Ethan Scott Graham's birth story

10 weeks later, and I am finally posting Ethan's birth story. Holy cow. All I can say is that life is crazy with an almost 3 year old and an infant who's not great at sleeping! But we are starting to get in the hang of things around here, and I found a rare moment of peace, so here it is. A warning to those who are squeamish:  I have posted pictures of my unique placenta and uterus on here after many people requesting to see it.

Ethan Scott Graham was born via C section 5 weeks early on January 4th, 2013 at 7:52 am, weighing 5 pounds 7 ounces and 18 inches long. On the morning of the surgery, I was feeling anxious, but prepared and at peace. Here is a picture of me right before we left for the hospital:

I knew everything would go well. I had made it this far through the tumultuous pregnancy, and I knew I had finally reached the end safely. I had not been admitted to the hospital on bed rest as previously planned, and was able to be home not only for the whole Christmas season, but even New Years. This came as a huge relief, and surprise. We were all feeling very blessed, and I know it is because of all the many prayers and blessings we received. And also because of divine inspiration that lead me to the most amazing, knowledgeable Periantologist I could have gone to. Because of her rare experience and intuition with Vasa Previa, she felt I was able to be home, that it would be better for me and the baby if I less stressed and comfortable, and that as long as everything looked good at my bi-weekly check ups, she felt good about me being at home. I am so grateful I found her, because most doctors would have just admitted me at 30 weeks,  regardless of any tests, just out of pure ignorance and fear of this rare condition. 

I woke up pretty nauseated due to having to be up so early (4:30 am) and not being able to eat anything. I through up on the way to the hospital twice, and was given a zofran injection. After that, it was smooth sailing. I felt great, and at ease. So excited to meet my baby. I thought I would be freaking out because I have always been terrified of being cut open, but I had no fear. It probably helped that I had had 3 months to prepare for it, versus being in labor and having to do it in an emergency. I got pretty shaky, so my awesome anesthesiologist gave me something to calm my nerves and even rubbed my head. My whole team was awesome, and they let me know everything that was going on. Here is a picture of me in surgery:

After I got the spinal tap, everything went really numb. The sheet went up, and Scott was right by my head. They asked me if I wanted a mirror so I could see the surgery, but I said no. I didn't want to see what was going on at the moment it was happening, but I wanted pictures. So I told Scott to take some pictures. I know at first he didn't want to watch, but when Ethan came out, he looked over and from that point on, Scott was watching. It was quite fascinating  At one point, they had to completely lift my uterus out of my body cavity in order to remove part of my placenta from the wall. Here is a picture of that:

Ethan came out screaming his guts out. Boy did he sound mad! Can you imagine what it would be like to be in a nice, warm environment, and without any warning you are ripped out and exposed in bright lights and cold air? I'd be screaming too! My first thought when I saw him was, "Look at all that dark hair!I knew it would be dark." I was so relieved to hear that beautiful cry. It's amazing that all the hardness of the past eight months was all revolving on hearing that one, piercing first scream, and that it was all so worth it. Here is Ethan shortly after birth:

When my doctor saw my bi-lobed placenta, she asked me if she could take a picture. I said of course. After all, I had a very rare case! She came into my room after surgery and told me something I'll never forget. She said, "Latissa, I didn't want to tell you while you were on the table, but the veins that connected the two placentas were so large, that even if I were to have admitted you to the hospital on bed rest, and even if you were right next to the c section room, ready to deliver the baby the second they ruptured, I don't believe I could have gotten the baby out in time to save him. He would have bled out too fast." I am so grateful that this never happened. Here is a picture of my bi lobed placenta. those veins are huge!

Recovery was better than I thought, but still quite hard. Mostly revolving around the many trips to the NICU and all the walking involved. I also pulled a muscle in my obliques, and had to see a physical therapist while in the hospital. But I was taken care of very well, and had many visitors. Here is a picture of Carson and I:

Ethan was in the NICU for only 8 days. By the time he left, he was 4 pounds 14 ounces, and I remember thinking that I couldn't believe how small he was. He was so healthy and strong, and his doctor was surprised how well he was doing. We were so blessed!

When I came home, I walked into my room and discovered that it had been painted and all set up and clean. While I was in the hospital recovering, both sides of the family came together and did it all. Our room used to be this nasty green, and it was so depressing, and so my mother in law thought I would like to have a beautiful room, since I'd be spending so much time in it. I was so surprised, and grateful. I really am so blessed to have family and friends that love me and my family so very much. We have so much support. Life would be a whole lot harder without them.

Since we brought Ethan home, life has been a crazy blur until just recently. Getting used to two kids, one of which doesn't sleep well, and the other who won't sleep when the baby sleeps has been super hard. Also dealing with some post pardum depression, and a trip to the ER after a seizure scare with Ethan, (turned out to be a reaction to acid re-flux  January and February were pretty much a blur. But life has seemed to level out, and we are adjusting. I love my tow boys more than I could have ever imagined. I am so happy and fulfilled. So thankful beyond words that I have two healthy, strong, beautiful boys, and a steady, loyal, selfless husband who has supported me through all the light and darkness. Life is beautiful.

An Actual Solution for Insomnia

I need to blog about Ethan's birth, but this needed to be posted tonight, seeing as many of you have prompted me to share what I learned from the Sleep Therapist today. So let me start at the beginning...

For the past ten years, I have had chronic insomnia, and before that, as my mother has shared with me, I wasn't such a great sleeper either. I toss and turn for hours and hours, until finally I fall asleep, only to find that it's usually 4 am, and I usually have to get up for something or someone, and cannot get the amount of sleep needed. My brain just won't shut off. That chemical that turns your brain off and helps you drift to sleep, just doesn't function. I have always slept better in the morning, and been wide awake late at night. I can't pin point when and why this really developed, but I have been off and on sleeping pills since I was 16, but for almost 3 years, I have been on Ambien every single night. If any of you know anything about sleeping pills, you know you are only supposed to be on them for a few nights, never long term. They aren't made for a chronic problem, and over time, you eventually develop a resistance to them, and need a higher dose in order for them to still work. Sooner or later, you are needing such a high dose, way more than recommended, and you are faced with either running out of your prescription too soon, or going to the doctor and getting on a different kind. When you've been on sleeping pills for this long, when you run out of your meds, you don't sleep...AT ALL... for a couple nights. Your body can go through withdrawal, and insomnia temporarily worsens. By the third night of hardly any sleep, your resolve to quit the sleeping pills diminishes. You NEED the pills...you can't function without sleep. right? So you HAVE to be on them. It's just part of who you are, and what you need to function...right???  In an article I was reading, I found this quote. "The only effect sleeping pills have," says sleep expert Dr. Kripke at UCSD, "is they make you feel good about not being able to sleep." Even your doctor tells you it's fine that you need it, and if it isn't working, lets load you up with more drugs. It's a hole you feel stuck in. YOu just wish you could shut your damn brain off and sleep like the rest of the normal people out there, but no one has an answer, and REAL solution to your problem.

This is where I am at right now. My baby is finally starting to sleep longer stretches, and here I am, wide awake. And just as I'm finally falling asleep, I look at the clock and realize my toddler will wake up in a couple hours, and I'll have no choice but to get up and be his mommy, no matter how tired I am. Then someone offers to give me a nap, and I take it. I feel better when I wake up, but I find that I have the same problem later that night, and I can't sleep unless I'm heavily drugged.

I have been wanting with all of my heart to get off of these meds, but with desperation and a priesthood blessing, I was prompted to wait until I was no longer pregnant, since my pregnancy was so complicated. I was told that I would be able to find a solution, even though it may be hard to go through. So here I am, almost 8 weeks post pardum, and last weekend, I ran out of Ambien, and of course, I had been taking too much and couldn't refill it yet. I went to my doctor, and he said I could start on a different medication, but he advised that I figure out why I am not sleeping. I asked him if I should see a sleep therapist, and he seemed to think that was a good idea. So I did the hard thing. I went home without a prescription, knowing all too well that I would not be sleeping a wink that night. But I was done. I was done with being so dependent on these pills. And with my body going back to normal, I was ready to take this on. The weekend was rough. My hubby let me sleep in on Saturday and Sunday and Monday, after no sleep the previous nights. Then Tuesday night, I finally fell asleep at midnight and slept for 3 1/2 hours, then woke up and fed the baby and could not go back to sleep, even though I was utterly exhausted and the baby was sleeping. That was last night, and today I went and saw the sleep specialist. I told him my history, and after going through many questions, he first told me that he was very impressed that I wanted to find a solution, and that I was brave enough to get conquer my dependence on the meds, and that I wasn't there just to convince him I needed a higher dose. Then he proceeded to tell me about this treatment called Sleep Restriction Therapy.

First he started out by explaining that our minds can be compared to a computer. When you go to shut it down, you have two ways of doing so. You can shut it down the correct way by clicking the button, and then it proceeds to go through the normal procedure of closing programs and turning off correctly. Or, you can push the start button and hold it down, till you force it to shut off. Forcing your brain to shut off at night is exactly what sleeping pills do. You are not shutting down the normal way, you are just skipping that whole process and forcing it to sleep. Pretty soon, this is the only way your brain knows how to sleep at night, and it completely relies on it. So, you are up all night, and then you sleep in the morning, or take naps during the day, so then you aren't tired so you have to take a pill to sleep, and the whole process repeats itself.

So this is what you do. First, you have to figure out how much sleep you normally get without sleeping pills. Get and average over a few nights, and log it. Then you must do a "hard reset" on your brain, and you stay up for 24 hours straight. This means no sleeping pills. Sleeping pills will harm any chance of retraining your body to know when to sleep and how to stay asleep. Sleep fasting reboots your internal sleep computer. This resets your circadian rhythm, and starts a clean slate.

Then you must figure out when you need or want to get up every morning, and subtract that from the number of hours you normally sleep at night, and that is the time you go to bed. So for me, I usually only get 4 hours of sleep at night, and I have to get up by 7 every morning, so my bedtime after the sleep fast would be 3 am. I MUST get up at 7 am, even if I feel like sleeping in.

Next, you must use bright light therapy. You can buy these at stores, but my hubby actually made a light box for me after researching how and what kind of light you needed. You have to be near the light for a half hour right after waking every morning. Using light therapy is absolutely essential, and this whole process is not near as successful without it. This helps to teach your system when to sleep and wake at the right times.

Next, you gradually increase the amount of sleep you get each night.This is one of the most important steps, because if you jump back too quickly into trying to sleep all night, you'll lose any benefit you gained up to this point. Once you find that you are falling asleep quickly (within 20 minutes of lying down) and you are sleeping the full amount of time, you can add 15 minutes of sleep. So if my bed time is 3 am, I could try going to sleep at 2:45 am, and if that night is successful, then 2:30 am and so on. But if I find that I cannot sleep at 2:30 am quickly, then I must go back to sleeping at 2:45 or 3 am, and start at the time I could sleep for a few days, and try it again.

And last, NO NAPPING. This is extremely important. Napping messes up your circadian rhythm and you won't be able to sleep when you need to. If you have chronic insomnia, like me, you should never ever nap again, it's that important. This kinda makes me wanna cry. If you feel tired during the day, use your light box or get out in the sunshine and exercise until the drowsiness is gone, but don't give in to napping.

In reading Dr. Spielman's studies, most people gained at least a couple hours of sleep each night after doing this therapy. That can make all the difference. 6 hours of sleep is a heck of a lot better than 4.

When he explained this to me, it felt right. I felt peace that this is the course of action I should take in order to beat this problem. It's definitely not the easy route. It's going to kill me, I am sure. But in my mind, it makes perfect sense. This is the only real solution I have ever been given to treat my chronic insomnia, and I am so grateful that it exists.

I'm debating whether to start this tonight, or wait until after Ethan's baby blessing this weekend. I have so much I have to do, and I think I need to plan for this. It's going to be a week or two of hell. I'm not sure how my kids will survive, especially my poor 2 year old Carson. His mommy is going to be dead and boring, and I'm sure very short tempered. But I feel this is right. Now I just need the strength to do it. But I am blessed to have many people praying for me. My mother in law felt prompted to put my name on the prayer roll of 16 temples. Bless that woman. Her faith is unwavering. I look up to her in so many ways. And I know my Heavenly Father will not leave me alone. I know he will provide a way that will make this possible.

So whether I start tonight, or Sunday night, I will keep you updated. I'm going to log everything on this blog, and let all my fellow insomniacs see how well it works for me. 

A Christmas Blessing

I am overwhelmed at the blessings I have received this Christmas season. This year has been one heck of a ride. This was a time for a true test of faith, endurance, perseverance, and testimony. It is so hard to formulate into words all of the emotions I have experienced through this year. In reading over my previous blog posts starting in January, I think I have done a decent job at piecing together this year of enormous spiritual growth through trial. In my last post, I described the condition that I was diagnosed with during this pregnancy, and how I got to that point. Since then, I have been through much more. I will try to start where I left off.

After being diagnosed with Vasa Previa, I endeavored to find out any and all information that I could about this condition. I read countless medical articles, various websites, blogs, news articles, etc. I needed to know everything I possibly could about my condition, so I could make the very best decisions regarding my doctors, specialists, and hospital I'd now have to choose to recieve the very best chance at getting this baby here safely.

After lots of research, I chose to transfer my care to Intermountain Medical Center in Murray. It's one of the highest ranking hospitals in the nation, and has an excellent NICU and beautiful new accommodations for new mommies. I also noted it had a couple of Maternal Fetal  Medicine doctors that made the national list, and after praying a lot about it, we decided to go up there and see if we could take a tour. While there, I was able to talk to the best of the best. One mention of Vasa Previa, and she was called down to see me. I had my records transferred over there, and she took on my case. The very next week I was able to get in and see her, and after a thorough ultrasound and exam, she confirmed that it was Vasa Previa, but that she was not certain that the best course of action would be to admit me to the hospital for 5 weeks. She said it would depend on my body, and whether or not there were any signs of preterm labor or stress on the baby. Only time would tell. But she said to plan on being admitted at 30 to 32 weeks. I prepared myself to miss Christmas, to miss the entire month of December. This in many ways was difficult. I'd have to find people to care for my son while my husband worked. I would miss everything. I would miss all the traditions, the whole season. My son's face on Christmas morning. And I'd have to stop working, which meant money would be extremely tight. It might sound like a nice break to some, being able to go to the hospital and have no responsibilities: watch movies, read books, sleep, etc all day... but you know what? I want my responsibilities. As nice as a break is once in awhile, I would never ever want to stop being my son's mommy, my husband's wife, the homemaker, the Massage Therapist. I love my jobs. And I was about to have all of that taken away. Of course I knew it was for the best cause; to get this baby here safely. And I was willing to do it, no matter how difficult it would be.

So every week, I have to go in and "pass my tests," meaning the non stress test for the baby and the ultrasound to make sure there are no indications that my body is getting ready for labor. The deal is, that if I keep passing these (now twice weekly) tests, I get to be home. December came, and now at 33 weeks, I am still here at home. Every time I've had to go in, it has been an emotional roller coaster not knowing if I'd come home that day or end up being admitted. It has truly helped me to live in the moment as much as I can, and cherish every second I have with my son and husband. It's been a true test of faith, that the Lord would guide and direct both me and the doctor to be inspired to know when and if I need to be admitted. In many ways, it's been a game of chance, which has been the most stressful part. My doctor said that you never know what could happen. Worst case scenario, my water could break without warning and I wouldn't get to the hospital in time to save the baby. But the likelihood of that happening, with as good as I look is very rare. And after many blessings, I know the Lord will tell me if and when I need to be in the hospital. But like I said, this has been a true test of faith.

The prospect of being home for Christmas is absolutely unbelievable. I never even considered that as a possibility. I am so beyond grateful that I have made it this far, and been able to experience things I never thought would be possible this season, like seeing the Mormon Tab. Christmas concert, (even though I had to go in a wheel chair.) It's been a humbling experience to rely on so many for help. I am so blessed, it just amazes me. In looking back on this year, sometimes I have sat there and really wondered if it was even possible for me to make it through, if this wasn't too much to bear. I know, that there is no way I could have ever made it through without my Savior Jesus Christ believing in ME. He never left me, not once. Even in my darkest moments, He was the one constant flicker of light. He never asked me to do it alone.

Although I am not in the hospital, I have to take it very easy. This has been the hardest for me. I am such a do and go type of person. I am not a homebody. And I don't like a dirty house. I hate looking at the dishes, the bathrooms, the floors, etc. and not cleaning them. But I am trying to do my best. I still have to have a C section delivery. There is no other way around that, and it must be done early enough to avoid me going into labor, but late enough that this baby won't be severely premature. Between 35-36 weeks is recommended  so we scheduled it for January 4th, 35 weeks and 2 days. I didn't have a C section with Carson, and in many ways I am quite terrified of the whole procedure. I am not out of the woods just yet. But I do know, without a doubt, that I won't have to do this alone. I know that the Lord will take care of me and my baby Ethan, and I know I can put my faith and trust in him. I also know, that no matter what I go through, He will make it possible for me to get through it, and learn and become stronger in faith and testimony if I only trust him.

So here's to a good possibility of being home for Christmas, and a wonderfully beautiful new baby boy to kiss and snuggle in the new year:)

A pregnancy and life update

So here is an update on the latest:

At 21 weeks we had our ultrasound where they check all the measurements of the baby and make sure everything is functioning and is placed properly. They also check gender if you are interested, but we had already found out that we were expecting little Ethan a couple of weeks before due to his heart beat not showing up on the Doppler. (little stinker, gave me a real fright!) So we were just excited to be able to see our little boy up close and personal and to make sure all was well. As the doctor moved through all the measurements, he stated that all looked normal and healthy, and exactly on schedule. There was just a couple of minor concerns. We found two cysts in little Ethan's brain. My doctor said that this was extremely normal, and that they usually disappear long before the baby is even born. But rarely, it can indicate a serious disease. But almost always, if they have this disease, they would have a great many other abnormalities that would be present in the ultrasound, which there were none. But just to be safe, he wanted to send me to a Periantologist at Utah Valley Regional to get his opinion. He told me that I really shouldn't worry at all, however. He also pointed out that I have two placentas, which is rare, and that one of them looked like it was covering my cervix, (placenta previa) but that he believed that it had a good amount of time left for it to migrate up away from my cervix, so he told me to not worry about that just yet, and that we would check it again as we got closer to delivery.

We left feeling a bit worried, but I felt nothing but peace. I knew that no matter what, we would all be ok. I felt that the baby would be healthy, and after a Priesthood blessing, my feelings were confirmed. I only had to wait a week to see the specialist, so I didn't think of it much.

Tuesday came, and Scott was able to come with me, which I was so grateful. The Ultrasound Tech performed the ultrasound first, and made a ton of notes. I loved how she explained everything she saw and why she was checking it. What a cool job. She pointed out that there was a concern with the placentas, but that the Perientologist would be in shortly to take a look. We found the cysts and she measured them. Then they Doctor came in. He did pretty much everything the Tech did. He looked at the cysts, and told us everything about the disease, and how in looking at all the rest of his stats, there is no reason why we should worry. He said that these cysts are more than likely normal. That was a relief. Then I asked him about my two placentas, and whether that would pose a problem. This is where the appointment took a turn for the worse.

He explained that with Placenta Previa, the placenta is covering the cervix. But in my case, instead of the actual placenta covering it, it is actually blood vessels coming from the placenta connecting to the other one on the other side, and thereby blocking the cervix. This condition is much worse, because if anything were to cause a tear or rupture in these blood vessels, the baby would bleed out very quickly. Things that can cause this to happen are my water breaking, too much weight from the uterus, any kind of force outside or in. This can be unpredictable, and in 75% of cases where it is not detected, the baby will die at or before birth. But the good news is that we detected it, so now we can formulate a plan that will more than likely save the baby.

The plan is, that November 13th when I am at 28 weeks we will be going in for another ultrasound to double check and make sure everything is the same, which my doctor says will more than likely be the case. From there, we will discuss all the details, but the plan is that I will be admitted to the hospital at 30 weeks, which will be the week after Thanksgiving, and stay there for 5 weeks, at which time they will take the baby 5 weeks early (about January 2nd) via c section to avoid me ever getting too far along that the vein would rupture. The risk of having a preemie is much lower than to wait till I am full term. So this is what we are planning on. This will mean I will spend the entire Christmas season in the hospital. This was quite disheartening, and quite a lot to take in. First of all, the concern for the baby was high. But also to miss Carson's Christmas, all of the activities we do and celebrations with family...I'll miss all of that. It broke my heart. But at the same time, I also have this overwhelming feeling of calmness and peace. What a blessing! I know me, and I know that typically this would have sent me over the edge, but for some reason I have been blessed to not be afraid. I believe a lot of it has to do with the trials I have experienced this year, which were almost more than I could bear. But I was strengthened. My testimony didn't increase, it matured. Faith that I never experienced was formed, from the ground up, through many paths of resistance. I discovered a strength in me, in my spirit. My spirit self was in charge, not my carnal mind that is full of doubts and weaknesses. I had to let everything go in order to overcome the greatest darkness. That is why we are here, so that God will know whether, in that moment of utter despair and darkness, when we have nothing left, we choose Him over the adversary. That we choose the light, and not give up in the darkness. That is our ultimate test, the reason he sent us here. The important thing to remember is that He never leaves us. We leave Him. He is just waiting, wishing, praying and hoping we will accept that He is the only way we can make it through even the thickest of hell. He will carry us, but we have to allow Him. I know that no matter what this life gives me, no matter what I experience, however wonderful or terrible, He will help me through. He will never leave me. All I have to do is put my TRUST and FAITH in Him. It's easier said than done, and it's something we must learn continually throughout our lives, and I know I am learning. I can do all through Him.

I am so grateful we had General Conference. what a wonderful weekend. It's amazing for me to consider where I was in my life and in my mind and spirit just 6 months ago. I had just had my miscarriage, and it was my birthday. I was so lost and bitter and hurt and depressed. I am amazed at how far I have come since then, and so grateful. Trials truly bless and strengthen us in the end, if we allow them.

Fall is here, and I am going to enjoy every minute of it! If I have to miss Christmas, I will have one heck of an Autumn! I love this time of year, and have truly enjoyed taking Carson to Cornbelly's twice, and going for a couple of drives through the Alpine Loop. I am anxious excited for Halloween and for Carson's costume. He's gonna be Superman, wearing a cape that his Oma made for his Uncle Chris when he was little. He looks adorable in it! Next is getting the boys room all painted and ready before I go in to the hospital. It's going to be so cute, if I can actually do it. Scott is leaving on a few business trips this month, so I am hoping all will be well without him, and I've just gotta stay busy so I won't get too lonely. So that is basically what is new in our little world, and I intend to keep y'all updated throughout the rest of this pregnancy. Thank you for your prayers and support. It has meant more than you could know, and I truly have felt the added strength and blessings.

An Overwhelming Response...

It's been 2 weeks since my confession, and from the day I posted that blog I was met with an overwhelming response. I received so many, many emails from people that are very close to me, but many people that I never thought would ever care to read what I post. I almost feel I have opened the flood gates to a whole slew of women (and also some men) that can relate, and are just as desperate as I am to find a solution to this nightmare they go through with so little help. I guess the most staggering result of writing this post was finding out just how NOT alone I am, and how many people I never would have thought would go through the same thing, actually have. In reading all of the stories and experiences, I have truly felt an immense sense of empathy, and a desire to seek out more information about this common struggle. I want to DO something about it. If I can help someone get through this kind of hell and not feel lost and helpless, then I've GOT to do it. 

The day I wrote that post, I kept feeling a prompting to write. When I finally sat down at the laptop, I knew that I was going to say everything I had kept inside of me for so long. I knew that some would not understand, but it felt right. I wasn't sure why at the time. But now I know that it was not only healing to me, but a way to open doors for healing in others. The support and love that I received was the greatest source of healing that I have yet to receive. Over the course of the next few days, I felt better than any pill, any therapy session, any walk, any time alone, any night of crying ever gave me. I felt strengthened, and loved. Another surprising effect was the immediate sense of wanting to serve others. Wanting to lift someone else and relieve their burdens. 

When I acted on that, it I felt even better. I felt a strength to do it. Something I have never felt so strong before. I can't explain exactly, but I feel better. I know it's not over, but after months of complete and terrible darkness, of self-loathing and hatred and hopelessness, I have felt my first break in the clouds. The sun feels so good. I knew it still existed, but it was so hard to believe and hope in it when you are completely covered in blackness. Answers to prayers come in so many different and unexpected forms, and often not on our time table. We are faced with dark holes that seem to come out of nowhere; trials and tests that we sometimes look at and think that there is no possible way I could ever get through this. It breaks us down until we can barely breathe, starving for relief, for even a sliver of the sun. But this was MEANT to happen. We are MEANT to go through this. And even if it seems completely impossible and insurmountable, it is not. In order for us to learn, to become that stronger person, to build up a soul that can move mountains, we must be willing to endure through the pain. God needs to see if, in that moment of utter despair, we still seek after Him, that we don't give up. We seek for the sun, and not give in to the dark. This is how we become the spirits that can become Gods and Goddesses. This is a test of whether we really believe in eternity, in a life beyond this one. Because if we do, nothing, NOTHING is impossible. We will have relief, and joy. More joy then we could ever, ever imagine. It is possible. It will be worth it. Worth every single shred of pain and darkness. I can think of so many scriptures that concur with these words; many that I've read and heard a thousand times but am now starting to realize that they actually apply to me, Latissa Marie. They are the answers for my life, not just the prophets of old. MINE! Wow. 

I just want to say that I love you all so much. You have no idea the impact your words of support have meant to me. To those of you who have struggled with similar trials, I feel for you. I want to make a promise that I am starting something, something that I am not certain as yet how I am going about it, but I will find solutions. But the moist powerful solution I have yet to find is the knowledge that if I endure, no matter how impossible it seems at the time, if I never  give up, HE will never give up on me. He won't leave me there forever. There will be a light, and I will come out stronger. What I have realized is that these words are just words until you truly figure them out for yourself. No one can figure it out for you. That is part of our test. I know that there will be many more days of dark, and many other different trials, but if I can just remember that this is only for a moment, then I will not only survive, but become closer to the Goddess I know I will be someday. 

PS: I intend to write back to each and every one of you who sent me responses. Thank you, thank you, again and again.

A very personal, private struggle

I need to write. Some know, but many don't know of the struggle that I have gone through these past 4 months. In reality, all of 2012 has been an accumulation of so many trials and struggles, that at times it has been nearly more than I have literally been able to bear. I am thinking of a certain scripture that promises we will not be faced with any trial that is more than we are able to bear, but that doesn't mean you don't get crazy close. Too much happened all at once. Too much change and trial and difficulty. I have snapped many times, have broken in many places, feel too many cracks in my courage, in my drive, in my faith and perseverance. That's not to say my testimony has decreased. If anything, it has strengthened. I have felt the Lord's hand in all of this. I haven't been left alone. I've had so much support and love, more than enough. But no one can take away thoughts. No one can rescue me from myself. Jesus Christ of course knows exactly how I feel, and can strengthen me, but there is also a certain amount of free will. He can not force me to change my thoughts. He could take all my trials away if he wanted to, but he won't, because I wouldn't learn anything. So I know I must go on. But this brain...it has been a nightmare. I often feel trapped. No matter what I do, the voices in my head are there to tell me exactly what I am doing wrong, and where I fall short, and how pathetic and hopeless I am. I find myself wanting to scream. Scream louder than those voices. Movement often helps, music, distraction. But they never really go away, and sometimes nothing helps, and I'm drowning.

 Please don't tell me I need therapy; I'm getting it. Or that I need medication; I'm on it, or rather on as much as I can be on while pregnant. You don't have many options when your body is connected to another. I have literally scaled the internet and picked doctors minds many times for an answer, for help, but I always seem to run into a big, fat wall. If you are pregnant, suck it up and deal with anything you are going through, because anything and everything will/could hurt the baby. Now there are things like, "Take a walk, get some fresh air, exercise, meditation etc..." but what if that's not enough? And furthermore, what if you are so sick, taking a walk sounds like torture and is downright impossible? WHAT ELSE is there? NOTHING. I have never wanted to go to medical school and into researching so bad as I have now. I would study pregnancy, and find and do legitimate studies on women who opt to take medication and provide accurate data on the effects on the fetus before, during and after birth. Right now, the few studies that have been attempted are inconclusive or illegitimate and flawed. They end up assuming and classifying just about every drug as a Category C, which is "We don't know so, just don't take it or something might maybe could happen." The studies they have done are deeply flawed. They will be doing a study on Ambien, and have women who are taking it join the study, but don't control anything else they take, or any other harmful habits they have ie smoking, drinking etc. So how can anyone know what really caused a problem when it could have been many different substances, or just coincidence? It's very frustrating, because I know I am not the only woman that has felt this way.

Most women don't go through major depression during pregnancy, but there are still a great many who do. And guess what, it's dangerous as hell. So then women are faced with either risking their life by not treating the depression with medication when nothing else works, or risking hurting their precious baby. Which is worse? When you are so low that you can barely take care of your kids that are already here, or be a decent wife, or even sleep or eat, and you've just about lost the will to live, what is more dangerous? And WHY, WHY oh WHY can't someone figure out some drug or supplement that ISN'T harmful? Why can't we get non-smoking, non-drinking women that are not on any other medication save one and do a study on those? Of course, these women would have already decided they were going to be on it. This would show a lot more accurate results, and I cannot think of a single reason why no one has figured this out.

Now, I need to explain something very, very important. I am unimaginably grateful that I am pregnant again. I am blessed beyond belief with an absolutely adorable son who is my little shadow and helper, who is so smart and quick to please, who has slept through the night since he was two months old and takes 2+ hour naps every day, who takes care of me when he knows I'm sick, and is just my best friend. I am so amazed that I get to be his mommy. He is always the solid reason I keep going. And this little life growing inside of me is already so loved. I can feel it's little spirit, and I know it is just so excited to come here.

I guess that is why I am so concerned about being enough. Being the best mommy my children deserves. But more so than that, I am concerned that they will see mommy depressed or anxious, and not know what to do. That they will feel insecure and worried. I am concerned that both might already feel that. But I know that I am literally doing my best. I just wish that I wouldn't fall so short so many times. I wish I could break through this wall that has formed.

In my entire life, I have never experienced anything like this. If you knew me when I was younger, even up till graduating high school, you would know that this isn't the real me. I had plenty of friends that struggled with depression all growing up, and I would feel so bad for them, and try to be there for them, but I never fully understood how they felt. I just didn't get it. But it's not like I didn't see it in my own family. Depression runs rampant in my family like a disease. Most of it has been discreetly hidden, and under the radar. But I have learned more and more through an adults eyes and as I have gone through my own what my family has gone through all this time. I remember my mother pulling me aside one day and trying to tell me that one day I may experience depression, and if I ever do that I should not just try and keep it quiet and not get any help. I remember looking at her and telling her to not worry; I am just not like that. I always loved the lime light. I never had social anxiety or depression. I was confident. I was free from that.

But slowly it changed. I started getting anxiety. I remember the first time it hit me. I was in a group of people, and the attention was all on me, and all of the sudden, for the first time in my life, I was anxious. I couldn't control it. I had to go in the bathroom and calm myself down. I didn't know what was happening to me. From that point on, it would hit at completely random times, sometimes out of nowhere, and sometimes physically incapacitating. I didn't understand what was happening to me. Then I got pregnant. The pregnancy was physically rough, but emotionally it wasn't anything abnormal, until I gave birth. Postpartum Depression hit me like a brick wall. It was so foreign, so scary, so NOT ME. I quickly went to the doctor and got on meds, and was able to control it. But I knew that the depression was still there, just subdued by the medication, ready to jump out in a moment of major stress.

With the desire to have another child, I slowly weened myself off of the anti depressants and anti anxiety meds, determined I was not going to use them while pregnant. I started taking this supplement, called Neuroreplete, to replace all of that. It helped. I was so happy. It worked even better than the drugs. I got pregnant, and immediately I knew something was wrong. 8 1/2 weeks into the pregnancy, I found out my baby had died at only 5 1/2 weeks, but hadn't miscarried yet. I had a D&C my birthday weekend, and with the up and down of all those hormones, and with lots of other added unrelated stress, I lost it.

Scott and I took an emergency trip to Oregon to heal. We came back and found out we had to be out of our apartment we had been in for 2 1/2 years in just a little over a month. We bought a house and moved in just 5 1/2 weeks later, and I got pregnant that month again. I just didn't have a chance. Too much change, too many hormones, too easy for the depression to sneak up. And it did, with a vengeance. Neuroreplete stopped working entirely. My sleeping pills stopped working. I turned into a person I don't even know. I was completely out of control, and it scared the hell out of me. I tried so hard not to go on meds. I remember the day I knew I couldn't go without it any longer, or I'd die. I went to the doc the very next day. I got a blessing and Scott and I prayed that we would know that we were making the right decision. I got on the meds, and I felt better in just 3 days, like my brain was literally starving for serotonin. I started taking Neuroreplete again and  seeing a therapist, which has helped quite a bit, and with all of them, I have been able to function. It literally saved my life. But the anxiety will not go away.

This is a problem I wish I could solve, and I'm working on it daily. I have ideas of what the cause is, but I haven't been able to fix it. I have moments where I hate my house. I feel trapped, caged in. I get so sick of being home. My husband doesn't understand this. He can't imagine why I would hate being here. Four walls drive me nuts after awhile. I hate seeing everything I should be cleaning or fixing, everything that really needs to get done, but I don't/can't do it. It's overwhelming.

I am thinking this won't last forever. And I truly do love my life, my kids and my husband. I am perfectly aware of how blessed my life is, and I guess that is the most frustrating part. With everything I have, With all the love and blessings and people I share this life with, why on EARTH would I be depressed/anxious?! WHY? It makes no logical sense.

I know all of this was deeply personal. I know that some may not want to know this or shy away from it because they don't know how to respond or how to help, and that is just fine. I have wanted to keep this away, but I guess this is a personal cry for help from anyone who has gone through something similar, but also I believe it helps so much to read about other peoples difficulties, knowing you are not the only one, and if I can help someone know that, then this is worth it. I hate feeling alone.

Note to reader: I do not always feel like this. I have lots of really good days too. And I cherish those days.

Life is all about how you handle Plan B

Plan A is always my first choice...the one where everything works out. But more often than not, I find myself dealing with the upside-down, inside-out version where nothing goes as it should.

This is where the real test of my character comes in. Do I sink or do I swim? Do I wallow in self-pity or simply shift gears and make the best of the situation? The choice is mine. After all...life is all about how you handle Plan B.
- Suzy Toronto

I found this quote in a gift shop in Oregon last week. It hit me pretty hard. I knew that this quote was speaking directly to me, and that I was supposed to find it. After all, Plan B was what got me to Oregon in the first place. Life seems to hit you with situations that you never thought you would personally have to go through. You see others going through the same thing, but you hope and pray that you will not have that particular challenge. At least, that's how I have thought.

A little over two weeks ago, I went to see my doctor for unrelated issues to the pregnancy. I was 8 1/2 weeks along, and asked out of curiosity if he would be able to hear my baby's heart beat by now. He said they could give it a go, and when we got to talking I mentioned to him that I was feeling quite sick in the previous weeks, but that most of it had passed lately. He got that look on his face; the one when doctors are trying to keep a straight, nothing-is-wrong face, but I knew he was a little concerned. When we couldn't find the heart beat on the regular monitor, we decided to have an ultra sound. When he saw the baby, the teeny tiny sack, he measured it to be about 5 1/2 weeks along...and there was no heart beat. My heart sank, but it didn't feel real. This wasn't really happening, I must be dreaming. A miscarriage? Me? But... I thought that didn't happen, shouldn't happen, wouldn't happen to me. Tears didn't come yet, I was still in shock, still in denial of the whole thing. Why didn't I have Scott come with me today? No, this wasn't really happening. Then the doctor was going on about guilt and how I shouldn't feel it, and that miscarriages are very common, and chromosomal issues, and how my body knew what it was doing, and then something about calling my husband for support...

The tears came. I knew it was real. The fact is, I knew it, from the moment I found out i was pregnant. I knew, somehow, that there was something wrong. I feared a miscarriage from the very beginning, where as with Carson, it never even crossed my mind. I knew he would be healthy. I was just a knowledge I possessed. But something was wrong this time, and although it hurt, more than I ever thought it would, I knew this would happen.

The strange thing is, I felt bad for telling everyone I was pregnant, for announcing it on facebook. I knew I'd have to tell everyone, and I almost felt guilty, like I had somehow let everyone down. I thought it would be so hard to tell everyone, but it ended up helping me more than I thought. It helped to hear how many people have gone through the same thing, and still ended up having healthy pregnancies after. That was my biggest scare. It was hard not to worry when I knew it took us 5 months to conceive, only to have a miscarriage, where as with Carson, we barely had to try and he was there. But with a Priesthood blessing, I knew I'd be ok. I knew I'd have more children, but I knew I had to be patient, and I knew I HAD to learn something; that Heavenly Father was trying to teach me something.

The next few days were a roller coaster. With it being my birthday weekend, and conference, I tried to make the most of it, and try to enjoy some time with friends. I chose to get a D and C done, because I couldn't emotionally handle not knowing when I would eventually miscarry the baby. My levels were still so high, and decreasing so slowly, the doctor said it could take weeks, and then a couple more weeks to recover. I needed to just let this be over, and get my body healing as quick as possible. I didn't want to post-pone trying again for an extra month or two. It was still a very emotional process, and by Sunday night, my birthday, I couldn't cope. Scott and I decided to take an emergency trip to Oregon, our honeymoon spot, to heal. We hadn't been back in 4 1/2 years, and we both just felt we needed it, pronto. With the graciousness of our parents, we were able to leave Carson for a week, and spend some much-needed alone time to heal and hold on to each other. It was exactly what we both needed, and I'm so grateful we were able to do it.

That quote was a turning point for me. It hit me like a brick wall that I am and have always been bad at handing Plan B. This is my greatest weakness. I knew that this was a chance for me to be aware of it, and to change. Since then, I have been trying oh so hard to think of this, even when little things go wrong, so that I can remember that this IS a test of my true character, and what do I want my true character to be? How do I want to affect people around me when my life is falling apart? What kind of example do I want to be? These are questions I will be asking myself for the rest of my life. But who doesn't need to think of this from time to time? Life is hard sometimes, really hard, but it's never impossible. Especially when we lean on out Heavenly Father, and realize that we do not have to do it alone. We do not have to take on the burden and hurt and pain all by ourselves. Christ already did that for us. Not only did he feel our sins, he felt our pain; physical, spiritual and emotional. He knows exactly how we feel, and he's only waiting for us to realize that it's ok to lean on him. That we were never meant to go down this road alone. He sends his love and support through those around us as well, and I have felt so much of that love all around me. I am blessed to have my families, friends, visiting teachers, neighbors, etc. I have some of the best, I am certain of that. I can only hope that I can be His Hands as well, and help those around me that need Him. I know that life will get better. The rain never stays. We will see the sun again, shining and happy and blessed. We only have to have faith to live, to get to that point, even if it means all we can do is hang on to Him.