It's been 2 weeks since my confession, and from the day I posted that blog I was met with an overwhelming response. I received so many, many emails from people that are very close to me, but many people that I never thought would ever care to read what I post. I almost feel I have opened the flood gates to a whole slew of women (and also some men) that can relate, and are just as desperate as I am to find a solution to this nightmare they go through with so little help. I guess the most staggering result of writing this post was finding out just how NOT alone I am, and how many people I never would have thought would go through the same thing, actually have. In reading all of the stories and experiences, I have truly felt an immense sense of empathy, and a desire to seek out more information about this common struggle. I want to DO something about it. If I can help someone get through this kind of hell and not feel lost and helpless, then I've GOT to do it.
The day I wrote that post, I kept feeling a prompting to write. When I finally sat down at the laptop, I knew that I was going to say everything I had kept inside of me for so long. I knew that some would not understand, but it felt right. I wasn't sure why at the time. But now I know that it was not only healing to me, but a way to open doors for healing in others. The support and love that I received was the greatest source of healing that I have yet to receive. Over the course of the next few days, I felt better than any pill, any therapy session, any walk, any time alone, any night of crying ever gave me. I felt strengthened, and loved. Another surprising effect was the immediate sense of wanting to serve others. Wanting to lift someone else and relieve their burdens.
When I acted on that, it I felt even better. I felt a strength to do it. Something I have never felt so strong before. I can't explain exactly, but I feel better. I know it's not over, but after months of complete and terrible darkness, of self-loathing and hatred and hopelessness, I have felt my first break in the clouds. The sun feels so good. I knew it still existed, but it was so hard to believe and hope in it when you are completely covered in blackness. Answers to prayers come in so many different and unexpected forms, and often not on our time table. We are faced with dark holes that seem to come out of nowhere; trials and tests that we sometimes look at and think that there is no possible way I could ever get through this. It breaks us down until we can barely breathe, starving for relief, for even a sliver of the sun. But this was MEANT to happen. We are MEANT to go through this. And even if it seems completely impossible and insurmountable, it is not. In order for us to learn, to become that stronger person, to build up a soul that can move mountains, we must be willing to endure through the pain. God needs to see if, in that moment of utter despair, we still seek after Him, that we don't give up. We seek for the sun, and not give in to the dark. This is how we become the spirits that can become Gods and Goddesses. This is a test of whether we really believe in eternity, in a life beyond this one. Because if we do, nothing, NOTHING is impossible. We will have relief, and joy. More joy then we could ever, ever imagine. It is possible. It will be worth it. Worth every single shred of pain and darkness. I can think of so many scriptures that concur with these words; many that I've read and heard a thousand times but am now starting to realize that they actually apply to me, Latissa Marie. They are the answers for my life, not just the prophets of old. MINE! Wow.
I just want to say that I love you all so much. You have no idea the impact your words of support have meant to me. To those of you who have struggled with similar trials, I feel for you. I want to make a promise that I am starting something, something that I am not certain as yet how I am going about it, but I will find solutions. But the moist powerful solution I have yet to find is the knowledge that if I endure, no matter how impossible it seems at the time, if I never give up, HE will never give up on me. He won't leave me there forever. There will be a light, and I will come out stronger. What I have realized is that these words are just words until you truly figure them out for yourself. No one can figure it out for you. That is part of our test. I know that there will be many more days of dark, and many other different trials, but if I can just remember that this is only for a moment, then I will not only survive, but become closer to the Goddess I know I will be someday.