tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79688197940027233152023-11-16T08:50:10.983-07:00All About the GrahamsThis adventure we call lifeLatissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.comBlogger86125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-75439229019466454522017-01-02T01:46:00.000-07:002017-01-02T02:17:11.642-07:00Lily Autumn Graham's Birth Story<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="font-family: "french script mt"; font-size: 24pt;">Lily Autumn Graham</span></b><span style="font-family: "french script mt"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "french script mt"; font-size: 18pt;">Born 11/1/2016 at 12:03 pm</span><span style="font-family: "french script mt"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "french script mt"; font-size: 18pt;">7 lbs 11 oz </span><span style="font-family: "french script mt"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "french script mt"; font-size: 18pt;">18 ½ inches</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I’ve waited two months to write Lily’s birth story, because I have
needed time to process it all. She is my last child. My last pregnancy. The
last time I get to feel the miracle of a baby moving inside me. The last chance
to experience what I always longed for, planned for, prepared for, dreamed for.
An unmedicated, calm, hypnobirth, where I felt powerful and in control of my
mind and my body. Hands that would hold and help me through the waves, rising
above any discomforts, being relaxed in my body and mind. Skin to skin
immediately after birth. Delayed cord clamping. An hour with no interventions,
just me and my precious baby to bond. I wanted to feel the rush of endorphins
you get when you’re able to feel your body deliver a baby. I wanted to be in
that group of women that had the opportunity to achieve this. I wanted to
believe that my body was capable. That I was inherently strong enough. I told myself
I can do hard things. What I discovered, was something I never expected. And it
has humbled me, healed me, cradled me, and shook me to my very core. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">It was Halloween night. I was 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Very
ready for this little lady to come. My body was in constant pain due to
Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction, and I was stuck in a wheelchair most of the time.
I had planned and prepared, in body, mind and spirit for the birth of my last
child. I was able to have the most beautiful, spiritual, loving sisterhood
experience of my life; a Mother’s Blessing. I was surrounded by so many women
in my life who loved, supported, and held me through this pregnancy. I felt so
much support and strength, and I knew I would never be alone. It was a blessed
gift. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><!--[if gte vml 1]><v:shapetype id="_x0000_t75"
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Here I am surrounded and touched as all these women laid their
hands on me and gave all their love, hope, wishes and blessings to me. I was
truly surrounded by angels.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgO_hLVoVWj14Us2jFXtty2v9eIcH4_yFFiLc9i1EAM9NTgF11w3wrR2Qf-yEp1r-_ywf4RkOr5c-Yud9-8IYOEZBI5wEBVFO4W8KSkTUvipCSbB34pGxVzPfZ4jsQ3LLHVM05jajUqYf0/s1600/Mother+blessing+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgO_hLVoVWj14Us2jFXtty2v9eIcH4_yFFiLc9i1EAM9NTgF11w3wrR2Qf-yEp1r-_ywf4RkOr5c-Yud9-8IYOEZBI5wEBVFO4W8KSkTUvipCSbB34pGxVzPfZ4jsQ3LLHVM05jajUqYf0/s320/Mother+blessing+2.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Being a Hypnodoula, and attending 25 births I was already trained
in Hypnobirthing, but had taken Lauralyn’s class again, and practiced
religiously. I did a lot of visualizations, and hired and asked for the
people that I needed and wanted there to be present. I hired a birth
photographer and a birth videographer, as well as a doula, and invited my
mother and sister to be there to witness and support. I had a wonderful
midwife, and the most hypnobirthing-friendly hospital. I purchased and selected
items I knew I wanted in my birth space to help bring peace and calm. I printed
out beautiful birth affirmations that I wanted hung in my birth space. I even
had a “Hypnobirth in progress” sign I wanted hung on the hospital door. I
purchased some beautiful nursing gowns to deliver and wear while at the
hospital. I had a prenatal photo shoot done with the autumn leaves, because I
knew her middle name would be Autumn.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNugAnJ0FuVY0W48JwukuCCYqKHHeK7MIE3nyPNegShKXirO7kQocMNx13M37_Z9133hkzvxFA7262cwpeQPPoLF6yqe7lwkHRqFHRWXj2iBLfNwwDCmYk3j0QF71b82aOQs83yS0oFng/s1600/maternity+shoot+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNugAnJ0FuVY0W48JwukuCCYqKHHeK7MIE3nyPNegShKXirO7kQocMNx13M37_Z9133hkzvxFA7262cwpeQPPoLF6yqe7lwkHRqFHRWXj2iBLfNwwDCmYk3j0QF71b82aOQs83yS0oFng/s320/maternity+shoot+2.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div>
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</v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"> I knew exactly what I needed. I
created my nest. My bags were packed, my mind was ready, and my body was tired.
</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">That night, I was able to go trick or treating with my kids by
borrowing a jazzy from my mom. It was such a gift to be able to experience that
with my children. I took a photo that night, not knowing if it would be the
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitKV5n1_ucrmOKCDhN9gGWAJ5IBklCJdCYNFzRCEdF-saZoJZGHrl0NyRjv0C0ZsUoeDgjoti_JqmbIFy-Wf1qt6hJW3VRBmi179TC438ccdPuJ8A5uGE21FDbe9yx4nMTotcw2p6Ud7o/s1600/last+pregnant+photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitKV5n1_ucrmOKCDhN9gGWAJ5IBklCJdCYNFzRCEdF-saZoJZGHrl0NyRjv0C0ZsUoeDgjoti_JqmbIFy-Wf1qt6hJW3VRBmi179TC438ccdPuJ8A5uGE21FDbe9yx4nMTotcw2p6Ud7o/s320/last+pregnant+photo.jpg" width="199" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">At about 3 am, I woke up to more water coming out of me than I
thought was humanly possible. I tapped Scott on the shoulder telling him. He
was just as surprised and shocked as me to see all that water. I was
immediately awake, and excited that this was finally happening. I decided to
jump in the shower and get ready, since I knew I wasn’t going back to sleep.
The surges started up pretty quickly, and by the time I finished my makeup I
knew we needed to get to the hospital quickly, even though I thought I would
labor at home longer. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Something was wrong. I was experiencing pain in my sacrum and
lower back, that was increasing with every surge, which was about every 90
seconds. We left for the hospital, and checked in fairly quickly. Things were
getting too intense too fast. I didn’t have a chance to get settled, to go to
that healing place in my mind. It was like I hit a cruel, shocking, and solid
brick wall. At this point, it is hard for me to recollect much of what happened.
</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I got into the tub, hoping that would bring some relief, but there
was none to be found. I remember thinking what was this? This was not labor. </span><span style="background: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I felt no
sensations in my uterus, not a single contraction, just breaking, searing pain
in my sacrum. She was posterior. I'd never felt that before. I was prepared for
uterine pain, for normal labor. I could do that. I knew how to handle that. To
relax through it. But this wasn't normal labor. Was this labor? What was this
horrible experience that held no joy? So fast, hard. Excruciating pain. Back
labor that felt as though my sacrum was being torn apart. Delusional pain.
Level 10. Nothing helping. No technique, no script, no touch, that helped so
much during my pregnancy. It was as if I wasn't a person anymore. I couldn't
see. I could not be. All there was, was pain. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">And I tried, so hard to live in that. To let
myself suffer. To overcome it. But it was bigger than I could ever surmount. I
begged for an epidural. When it finally was available, I found strength to
refuse it and try longer. I wanted that experience of a natural birth. The
euphoria you experience. I wanted to trust that my body was made for this. That
I was capable. That I was strong. This was my last labor, last birth, last
chance. I did everything right, I prepared. I had a wonderful birth team. So
many hands willing and wanting and trying to help. Why was nothing helping? Why
was there no relief? I made it another hour, or so, without the epidural. By
that point I was begging, pleading for relief. My head shaking back and forth.
I felt like i would pass out from the pain. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">The epidural came. When it kicked in, it was
heavenly mercy. I cried. I slept. And she came. I pushed her out in three
pushes. My pushes were strong. She was in distress. They said she needed to
come now, so I got her here quick. I felt strong in that moment. I didn't tear
at all. When she came, she wasn't breathing. They had to clamp and cut that
gorgeous, spiralling blue cord that was exceptionally long, full of her
precious blood she would never get. No immediate skin to skin. She was
intubated, twice. She had to have an IV of fluid. They were on Skype with UVRMC
to determine if they needed to transfer her. My heart was breaking. I was
trying to stay strong and hopeful, but I just wanted to hold my baby. They let
me say goodbye quickly before they took her to the NICU.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="background: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiS0cw8kjk3A-Q-kCa4_izzAXM7Fqa9LFo-wfSe6IIvdCVwIuIRoUnmzvowog96Inc0bMNJ9RhXPn5FRgfBtllpXVdhmspIcb3GGZTfAuFknKZTrxH-RTKqWJJtfollQTo4tqXb6Ia-YY/s1600/saying+goodbye.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiS0cw8kjk3A-Q-kCa4_izzAXM7Fqa9LFo-wfSe6IIvdCVwIuIRoUnmzvowog96Inc0bMNJ9RhXPn5FRgfBtllpXVdhmspIcb3GGZTfAuFknKZTrxH-RTKqWJJtfollQTo4tqXb6Ia-YY/s320/saying+goodbye.jpg" width="213" /></a></span></div>
<span style="background: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"> My husband followed.<!--[if gte vml 1]><v:shape id="Picture_x0020_4"
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</v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]-->I felt empty, although I was not
alone.I had many women who loved and supported me.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="background: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXigS-Gbb-vKkTi__1Mx10lsq0eGefXqkVFLtgA2VsavDrE600W0J452KMe9atNNUpw8H1dwdmNj5Afndhyphenhyphen3WFA5iYp-Xr-ndEaozzcIaeD61BENdIzxqbixg1f1yqSz3iKikUD7RYVvM/s1600/took+baby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXigS-Gbb-vKkTi__1Mx10lsq0eGefXqkVFLtgA2VsavDrE600W0J452KMe9atNNUpw8H1dwdmNj5Afndhyphenhyphen3WFA5iYp-Xr-ndEaozzcIaeD61BENdIzxqbixg1f1yqSz3iKikUD7RYVvM/s320/took+baby.jpg" width="213" /></a></span></div>
<span style="background: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">
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<span style="background: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMLTJQMqMEnavrNP-H5U2YFFRZFhqjZMv2TXBvEuz4KCeLRViaM7BE3CBCDjD11xBXDDRv4foH2_tamvvW02qyy2bbWJFetQisDULBZ_PZj5ZHRyF_FOE9DZ6XfbhG9XGGLnxWjuufygs/s1600/mourning.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMLTJQMqMEnavrNP-H5U2YFFRZFhqjZMv2TXBvEuz4KCeLRViaM7BE3CBCDjD11xBXDDRv4foH2_tamvvW02qyy2bbWJFetQisDULBZ_PZj5ZHRyF_FOE9DZ6XfbhG9XGGLnxWjuufygs/s320/mourning.jpg" width="213" /></a></span></div>
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</v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]-->Someone said, "You're done,
it's over." But I quickly responded that no, I was not done. It would not
be done till Lily was in my arms. Scott texted pictures of her to me. My heart
was aching. I needed her. When she finally came, I felt love and relief. I held
her so close, smelled her, breathed her. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieLfwGxRsslnNsxYJq9NdqF0VNaxATD4GvqrHiccTD5M8G8V8xiIfzWEGVradrkU6x856pSZFWW7fYGM4_HUo2-Eh_X2NUeHYHjb5v_NomFRGHu2cYdYqZbRpitH8bqWcZMz5NuBT4PN4/s1600/Smelling+lily.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieLfwGxRsslnNsxYJq9NdqF0VNaxATD4GvqrHiccTD5M8G8V8xiIfzWEGVradrkU6x856pSZFWW7fYGM4_HUo2-Eh_X2NUeHYHjb5v_NomFRGHu2cYdYqZbRpitH8bqWcZMz5NuBT4PN4/s320/Smelling+lily.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
After a few moments, we started
skin to skin. She felt like heaven. I was complete. Then, the greatest moment,
the most tender mercy, the miracle, the gift that ended the hardest experience
of my life happened. After all the trauma she experienced immediately after
birth, after all the medication I was on through pregnancy, after surviving at
8 weeks old when I had Severe Septic Pneumonia and was hospitalized, almost
dead, after everything, here she was, latched onto my breast, and nursing
perfectly. My first time. After 3 children who would never latch, this was
nothing short of a miracle! <!--[if gte vml 1]><v:shape
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</v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]-->That moment will live in my memory
forever. She is everything. She is my first co-sleeper, first baby to latch,
first time to never have formula. She takes a bottle, a binkie, and me, with no
problems. She is heaven.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhETPx5uIKhimgDwkxABk17Sr575JgGDDkK73hbbnK6YLJTkjAqZKNPdcNEmC1LlauGs0EffpCMBJL4ei9iv5BeYH3mTR1dvk4fyNWIBlH1M3V9swxEJz25aKkRb58P9pzi6ROmnhqkdCs/s1600/nursing+surprise+edit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhETPx5uIKhimgDwkxABk17Sr575JgGDDkK73hbbnK6YLJTkjAqZKNPdcNEmC1LlauGs0EffpCMBJL4ei9iv5BeYH3mTR1dvk4fyNWIBlH1M3V9swxEJz25aKkRb58P9pzi6ROmnhqkdCs/s320/nursing+surprise+edit.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Since then, I have gone through a series of
emotions. I was in mourning. I felt like a failure. I felt less than. Less than
those stronger women. A wise friend suggested I have a Closing of the Bones</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"> ceremony. I looked it up
and knew that was exactly what i needed. I was surrounded by a few women whom I
love and felt very safe with. They listened to my whole story. They witnessed
my pain, my joy. They watched my birth video and helped me process it all. They
helped me see the strength and the beauty I possessed. That my labor wasn’t
just that night, but the entire pregnancy, and I never gave up. Because of my
experiences, I am able to appreciate every second of the beauty, and the gift
that I have to be a mother. I cherish it. And I empathize and am able to relate
to many types of birth experiences. In 7 years, I have had 6 pregnancies, 6
births, including a vaginal, miscarriage, c section, vbac, miscarriage of
twins, and my last vbac. I have gone through Hyperemesis Gravidarum, heart
complications, Hydronephrosis, severe depression and anxiety, Vasa Previa,
postpartum hemorrhage, Severe Septic Pneumonia and Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction
twice. And I have survived ALL of it. I have 4 beautiful, perfectly healthy
children and a husband that stood by me, supporting me through it all. And it
was all worth it. It was beautiful, and glorious, and I AM a triumphant
warrior. I survived and conquered, and even through everything, I wouldn’t
change a thing. I have learned that life is beautiful not only because of love
and joy, but also because of the pain and sorrow. It is all a gift.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Here is my birth story video. It's rated G. :-)</span><br />
<a href="https://vimeo.com/195908617" target="_blank">https://vimeo.com/195908617</a><br />
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7968819794002723315" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpzHvIm4Epo8hZ8JxuakFUoIeqsCdYI9HrdoSooIvZXpLhKR5wTMfts18_WlM9g11muhIM8lIszS3cE3H07f1tbzWa2ScLlhwz4cKVcSFxbBwCKX7VnZhyphenhyphenwoTvJsE8xzsdbjB2kntEqNM/s1600/Lily+newborn+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpzHvIm4Epo8hZ8JxuakFUoIeqsCdYI9HrdoSooIvZXpLhKR5wTMfts18_WlM9g11muhIM8lIszS3cE3H07f1tbzWa2ScLlhwz4cKVcSFxbBwCKX7VnZhyphenhyphenwoTvJsE8xzsdbjB2kntEqNM/s320/Lily+newborn+1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br />Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-48178390889442165952016-02-21T14:18:00.000-07:002016-02-21T14:18:17.059-07:00Why I Tell/Break the SilenceLast blog post, I shared the miracle of finding my baby's heartbeat when it should have been impossible. It truly was a miracle. However, that following week I was spotting off and on, and by Sunday, I knew something was wrong. I ended up going to the ER, and during the ultrasound, we could not find a heartbeat. Baby was there, but it had died at 7.5 weeks. My heart was broken, to have gone through so much up and down with that pregnancy. But I had no regrets in telling everyone about it. I was so grateful to have the support and love to buoy me up. This past month has been one of healing, heartache, pain, and then peace. I am so grateful I have had so many people sharing words of encouragement and hugs and service. I have been in a good place the last week. January 18th was my D&C, and a few days ago it had been a month. I found myself feeling a sort of sadness mixed with peace. I longed for another child. I had taken a pregnancy test a few days before to find out it was negative. I knew I was too early, and the chances of me being pregnant that quickly was probably not very high, but I'm an incredibly impatient person. Thursday was the 1 month anniversary, and it had been about 5 days since my last pregnancy test. I had one left, so Friday I woke up and used it, even though I knew it would be negative. I had hope. And since it has always been so easy for me to conceive, I knew there was a chance. I had been expecting me period a couple days before, and it had not arrived yet. I sat there, looking at my phone, avoiding the results, not wanting to see only one line. When I finally looked, I couldn't believe my eyes...<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXNTBuyhgNXV_MZmmRRf9gLapRpvBq3wJoIZ1PLUeeA34UgoMvjDOZV64czGKF6-0McbMG1OAXmiqSee-7MgunUQEFIRbRcN3SAohPX5S14fBy8AmBe5czdYTmYr5rVWRiDdWkyh1T91I/s1600/pregnant.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXNTBuyhgNXV_MZmmRRf9gLapRpvBq3wJoIZ1PLUeeA34UgoMvjDOZV64czGKF6-0McbMG1OAXmiqSee-7MgunUQEFIRbRcN3SAohPX5S14fBy8AmBe5czdYTmYr5rVWRiDdWkyh1T91I/s320/pregnant.jpg" width="179" /></a><br />
I am so blessed and thrilled beyond belief to have another little soul growing inside of me. To have the privilege of loving him/her for as long as they need to live. I have always believed that a life should be celebrated, no matter how short or long it is. I've never understood why it is commonplace to hide a pregnancy till you hit that magic second trimester. What does that teach us? This idea feeds a few very harmful beliefs or thought processes. Now, speaking from someone who has gone through two miscarriages, here are my thoughts:<br />
<br />
1. "The pregnancy doesn't count unless you reach the second trimester. It is not worth celebrating unless it is going to live past this time. Keep it to yourself until we all know your chances of miscarriage are much lower." This is absolutely heartbreaking. Why on earth should we not celebrate any pregnancy, no matter how long that baby lives? Does that life not matter if it only lives a couple months or less? Why can't we all rejoice in the miracle of conception? That in and of itself is worth celebrating. Why does a still birth mom receive more love and support than a miscarriage mom? Why does either life count more than the other, simply because of the number of weeks of gestation?<br />
<br />
2. "If you do miscarry, no one wants to know. You need to suffer in silence. Heaven forbid you make someone feel uncomfortable and feel bad for you. If you're hurting, you hide it." This is such a harmful and sad way of thinking. The risk of postpartum depression is so much higher when you do not have the physical, emotional and mental help from a strong support system. And yes, even if you miscarry at 5 weeks, you are still postpartum. Hormones have gone up and down quickly, causing emotional and mental shifts that can trigger depression, especially without support. If a mother feels like she can talk about it, and that others are able to mourn with her and comfort her, providing meals or words of comfort, or watching her children and just holding her hand, THIS is what brings peace and healing.<br />
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3. If you feel that you would rather not share your pregnancy till the 2nd trimester, or later, that is entirely your prerogative,and completely ok. If you feel that you would rather not have to talk about your miscarriage, that you'd rather only a few people know to provide support to you, and if you feel it would hurt to have people ask about your pregnancy, and have to tell them you miscarried, then I completely understand, and support whatever you feel is most healing for you. This is ok. If this is how you feel, I'm so glad you know what you need. But if you feel this way because you are afraid of what people will think, or that your pregnancy isn't worth sharing, or if you can't talk about it, even if you want to, this is not ok.<br />
<br />
I truly feel that mothers and fathers should be able to be excited and cherish and celebrate and share this miracle of life as soon as they want to. That it should be NORMAL, and WELCOMED, and SUPPORTED. And in the 20% chance that you do miscarry, or if you know someone that does, that those parents will be surrounded and embraced with all the love, kindness, and support that they need. And the awkwardness is gone. So if you are like me, shout out your miracle! I want to know, and celebrate with you! And I will mourn with you, and love you, and be here for you if and when you need me. And I will pray for you, and look forward to that day that you conceive again, or that you adopt, or that you decide your family is complete. You do not need to rejoice in silence, or suffer in silence.Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-33895251363090504182016-01-10T01:18:00.000-07:002016-01-10T01:18:41.914-07:00Miracles and MagicMiracles happen. They are very, very real. Nothing is impossible.<br />
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<a href="https://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t34.0-12/12395200_10156351809030593_1354911165_n.jpg?oh=b230fcf4a3bfc85ccd837926ca21c0cc&oe=56949265" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t34.0-12/12395200_10156351809030593_1354911165_n.jpg?oh=b230fcf4a3bfc85ccd837926ca21c0cc&oe=56949265" width="111" /></a>I have had an amazing, heart breaking, magical and miraculous, roller coaster of an experience. On December 11th, I took a pregnancy test that showed positive, I was amazed at how quickly this happened, since we had just started trying that cycle. Very excited, I went to have my first prenatal appointment on December 15th to discuss certain medications I was on and whether they would be safe to continue during the pregnancy. During that appointment, my midwife asked if I wanted to check my HCG levels, since I had had a previous miscarriage. She wanted to help me feel at ease about everything. I was grateful she was willing to let me check.<br />
<br />
I had my blood drawn that day, and again 48 hours later. If the pregnancy is healthy and viable, your levels should at least double, more like have a 65% increase in 48 hours. My levels were not even close to doubling, This was not a good sign. So we decided to do an ultrasound to see what we could see. At this point, I was calculating that I was about 5 1/2 weeks along, according to my last period. We saw a gestational sac, but no yolk sac or fetal pole. And of course, no heartbeat. Basically an empty sac. This was also not good news. However, we determined that it could just be too early, and that we would do another ultrasound in a week.<br />
<br />
I had to go through the Christmas holiday not knowing whether my pregnancy was going to last. I did my best to put it in a box and not think of it until after Christmas. It was hard, but I was blessed to be able to enjoy Christmas.<br />
<br />
At the next ultrasound the next day, it showed no growth, in fact, the sac measured smaller than the week before, and was still empty. I also had my HCG levels checked again. Results were that they continued to rise, but not near enough. I found out these results while I was up at temple square with my family seeing the Christmas lights on December 28th. My midwife said she was 99% sure this was not a viable pregnancy. I knew I was losing my baby.<br />
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Now, I was faced with a big decision. I was going on a family vacation to Disneyland in just a few days, and I was worried about miscarrying while in California, away from my doctors and hospital. Possibly while traveling, or while walking around Disneyland with my kids. I researched A TON. I had lost a baby previously, but had opted for a D&C instead of miscarrying naturally. I didn't know what to expect. I found out it can be very painful, and lots of blood, and sometimes you have to go to the hospital because you lose too much. How hard would that be to have happen away from home?<br />
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I decided I wanted to get the D&C as soon as possible before our trip so I could start healing and not worry about it while I was gone. That day was awful, waiting for the call from my midwife to tell me when I could see an OB to schedule to procedure. I laid in bed, mourning. I was preparing for the D&C that day. I found out that I would have to see the doctor that day, but the D&C would not be scheduled till the next day. I just wanted it to be over with, Knowing the baby was not there, and not bleeding, just waiting for a miscarriage to happen was torture.<br />
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The hospital called and I was scheduled to go in the next day for the procedure at 12 pm. That evening, I went and saw my OB. He said he wanted to take just one more look on the ultrasound to make sure there was no baby. I didn't expect this. This was now my 3rd ultrasound. I should have been over 6 weeks. What came next, was very strange. He did find my empty sac, but right by it, was ANOTHER empty sac, that never showed up on the two previous ultrasounds!<img height="179" src="https://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t35.0-12/12464987_10156399522820593_1897289680_o.jpg?oh=454f149a4139d03ad23135c42554cf5b&oe=5693AE17" width="320" /><br />
This made things very bizarre, and confusing. There was still no baby, but the second sac presented more questions. My doctor said that what more than likely was happening, was that my sac collapsed, and split into two, and that I was close to miscarrying. But, there was also a very small possibility that I could have a disappearing twin, and that would explain why my levels were not as high as they should be, that it was throwing them off. He told me that he was 99% sure that this was not the case, and that if I wanted to he would do the D&C, but there was room for doubt, however little, The baby should have been seen at this point. There should have been a yolk sac at the very least, but there was nothing, No change in 3 weeks, no growth, except for this random second sac. KEEP IN MIND, this second sac WAS NOT there, just 24 hours before, in that second ultrasound. In just 24 hours, it showed up. This was crazy.<br />
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I didn't know what to think. I went home, and prayed. I worried and stressed. The night before I got a blessing, but it did not give me direct answers, except to trust and have faith that I would know what to do. I went to the temple the following day, December 30th. I had the feeling that I should not get the D&C. Not because I felt the pregnancy was ok, but just that it wasn't right, yet. I decided to take my chances and go on my trip with my family, and hope and pray that I didn't miscarry while away, and I would readdress the situation when I got home. I planned to schedule my D&C as soon as I got home. I had to put those worries and feelings in that box in my brain again.<br />
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Thankfully, I was able to. I had a magical, beautiful, perfect time with my family. Seeing the wonder and joy in my children's eyes was a dream come true. I literally cried on Pirates of the Caribbean because I was here, with my precious babies, experiencing the joy of seeing the magic through mother eyes. It was a moment I'd never forget. I was present. I was there. Occasionally I would think of the baby that more than likely would not be, but it didn't taint my experience. I was blessed.<br />
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We came home last night at 3 am. So very tired today. I messaged my midwife to tell her I was home, She said she was on call and could possibly get me in for another ultrasound today, since I really wanted to get the D&C done as soon as possible, so I could move on, and start trying again. Tonight, and 6 pm, I met her at the office. I was ready, and prepared for the result of losing this baby. I was at peace. I had mourned the loss. I had come to terms with it.<br />
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We first tried a normal ultrasound on the belly, but wasn't able to see anything. This didn't surprise me. So we did a transvaginal ultrasound. I waited, preparing to be told the sac was gone. It took a couple minutes. Then all of a sudden, my midwife turned the sound on...THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP...... THERE WAS A HEARTBEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!<img height="180" src="https://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/12439089_10156435970195593_4416170704172046312_n.jpg?oh=478cf066e4c4f0c478a13c3f08e1a519&oe=57069BDF" width="320" /> <img height="180" src="https://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10342_10156435971615593_3583272814265916112_n.jpg?oh=679eec7ee9270d14fcd44bfb315abbd2&oe=570ECD97" width="320" /><br />
She turned the screen, and I saw the beating heart of my baby that WAS there! My head was spinning. How was this possible? My midwife was baffled. This didn't make any sense. We looked for the second sac, but we could not find it. Just the one, with the living baby, with a heartbeat, measuring 6 weeks 2 days. I should have been 8 weeks along.<br />
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Getting the positive pregnancy test as early as I did, and only being 6 weeks along makes no sense. Having a gestational sac that didn't grow at all for 3 weeks makes no sense. Having my levels be so off makes no sense. This whole situation goes against all the textbooks. It's impossible, BUT it's not! It's a miracle, I have a living, healthy baby with a beating heart that I never thought would beat. I am in shock, amazement and am truly grateful and blessed. I am grateful beyond belief that I did not have that D&C. I'm grateful for a mother's intuition, for the spirit, and for miracles. For opportunities to build faith.<br />
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It's very interesting that I seemed to be the 1% quite often. With Ethan's <a href="http://latissaandscottgraham.blogspot.com/2012/10/a-pregnancy-and-life-update.html" target="_blank">Vasa Previa</a>, (birth story <a href="http://latissaandscottgraham.blogspot.com/2013/03/ethan-scott-grahams-birth-story.html" target="_blank">here</a>) and getting pregnant with Sophia while fully breastfeeding, taking the pill on time every day and no postpartum period, and now this. I know for certain that nothing is impossible. That miracle and blessings and magic are real. Most of the time it doesn't happen, Most of the time you lose. Most of the time, life isn't fair, and there is no rhyme or reason to anything. But SOMETIMES, just sometimes, miracles do happen, Disney magic and dreams do come true.<img height="200" src="http://bplusmovieblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/pinocchio-17.png" width="320" /><img height="294" src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/86/241258004_704bfc7bb1.jpg" width="320" />Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-33707581858138820582015-07-16T10:57:00.002-06:002016-02-23T16:41:49.614-07:00Podcast interview on The Balancing Act about Prenatal and Postpartum Depression<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I was interviewed for this awesome new podcast called The Balancing Act about my journey with prenatal and postpartum depression, and the tools I found that helped me come out of that darkness. Here is a direct link to my podcast interview. There are many other interviews from amazing members of our community on here as well. If you or your clients are suffering with this, I hope you find solidarity in knowing you are not alone, and hearing my journey may help!<br />
<a href="http://christyrossi.com/episode-17-latissa-graham-conquering-depression/" target="_blank">Hear my interview here.</a><br />
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Helpful websites:<br />
http://www.postpartum.net/<br />
http://www.thehealinggroup.com/<br />
https://www.facebook.com/afterbirthgroup/?fref=ts (Afterbirth Postpartum Support Group)<br />
http://healyourbrainwithq96.blogspot.com/<br />
http://www.healingpoweroftouch.blogspot.com/<br />
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See the post below for more information about my journey, and other resources.Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-44492059121113479092014-11-11T13:33:00.000-07:002015-07-16T00:39:51.352-06:00Q96 EmpowerPlus and how it has changed my life<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 17.5636348724365px;">To anyone who followed my story last year (here is the <a href="http://latissaandscottgraham.blogspot.com/2012/08/a-very-personal-private-struggle.html">link</a>) of my severe depression during my pregnancy, you will remember just how absolutely low and lost I was. Searching with all my might for a cure that would not hurt my baby. You will also remember the promise I gave in that post that if I ever found that cure, I would shout it from the rooftops and share it with anyone I could, that suffered just like me. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 17.5636348724365px;">Well over the past month, I have found that cure! After being on antidepressants and anti-anxiet</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; line-height: 17.5636348724365px;">ies for 6 years, I am off of them for the first time, and I feel 100% my self again. I feel amazing. Words can't describe. For anyone who is suffering with any sort of mood disorder, depression, anxiety, bi polar, OCD, ADD, ADHD, Autism, PTSD, Mood swings, even MS and Parkinson's, this will change your life. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; line-height: 17.5636348724365px;">My husband <a class="profileLink" data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=801320173" href="https://www.facebook.com/scottygrahamcracker" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;">Scott Graham</a> met the creator and his daughter of this vitamin/mineral/amino acid supplement on his mission, and he took it then and felt a huge difference for his ADD. I remember him telling me about it, but I had forgotten, until I accidentally stumbled upon it at a birth event. I decided to try it, and I cannot believe what it has done for me. I am in tears. I only wish I would have known of this sooner. It would have saved a lot of suffering for me and my whole family. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; line-height: 17.5636348724365px;">If you are struggling, PLEASE let me help you! I am very sincere, this supplement is food for your brain. It is not a synthetic anti depressant that only band aids your problem. It feeds your brain what it is lacking. Please check it out. Read the stories. Read the research. Then call me. A link to the blog I created with more information is <a href="http://healyourbrainwithq96.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">HERE.</a> Also, a link to my Massage therapy and Hypnodoula services is <a href="http://healingpoweroftouch.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">healingpoweroftouch.blogspot.com</a>.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here is the creator's daughter's inspirational story of how she almost took her life, just like her mother, because of her bipolar disorder, and how Q96 saved her life <a href="http://vimeo.com/78974155">here</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here is some information and research I copied from their website:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Q foundation. Our headlining product provides CALM, COPING and CLARITY. This product is a proprietary formula for optimal mood stability and healthy brain function for an all around incredible you. Reading the research conducted at major universities would astound you; it would also take you thousands of hours that we’re betting you don’t have. So here’s a great gist:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">EMPowerplus Q96</strong> delivers a well-balanced blend of 36 vitamins, minerals, and amino acids to the brain in a safe and effective dose to boost mood stability, mental clarity, and optimal brain health and function in both children and adults.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">EMPowerplus Q96</strong> is specifically formulated to provide essential nutritional support to the brain and central nervous system. The results are simply life changing. In fact, it gives people their life back.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Key benefits include:</span></h2>
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<span class="fa fa-sun-o pull-left fa-border" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background: rgb(0, 174, 255); border-bottom-left-radius: 2em; border-bottom-right-radius: 2em; border-top-left-radius: 2em; border-top-right-radius: 2em; border: 0.08em solid transparent; color: white; display: inline-block; float: left; height: 40px; line-height: 40px; margin: 0px 0.3em 0px 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0.2em 0.25em 0.15em; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline; width: 36px;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Supports mood stability, improved cognition, and overall brain health and function</span></div>
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<span class="fa fa-cloud-upload pull-left fa-border" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background: rgb(0, 174, 255); border-bottom-left-radius: 2em; border-bottom-right-radius: 2em; border-top-left-radius: 2em; border-top-right-radius: 2em; border: 0.08em solid transparent; color: white; display: inline-block; float: left; height: 40px; line-height: 40px; margin: 0px 0.3em 0px 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0.2em 0.25em 0.15em; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline; width: 36px;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Unique 96-hour micronization and nano-chelation process increases bioavailability for maximum nutrient uptake in the brain</span></div>
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<span class="fa fa-book pull-left fa-border" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background: rgb(0, 174, 255); border-bottom-left-radius: 2em; border-bottom-right-radius: 2em; border-top-left-radius: 2em; border-top-right-radius: 2em; border: 0.08em solid transparent; color: white; display: inline-block; float: left; height: 40px; line-height: 40px; margin: 0px 0.3em 0px 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0.2em 0.25em 0.15em; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline; width: 36px;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Backed by scientific studies conducted at major universities in four countries, as well as research published in peer-reviewed journals</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Contains a well-balanced blend of 36 vitamins, minerals, and amino acids specially formulated for the brain and central nervous system</span><br />
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Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-43906247945167591482014-02-12T19:43:00.001-07:002014-02-12T19:43:09.471-07:00Sophia's Birth StoryIt all started the night of January 23rd. I was 3 1/2 weeks from my due date, and very much ready for the pregnancy to be over. With months of Symphasis Pubis Dysfunction causing me constant pain in my pelvis, and claustrophobia setting in, I couldn't wait for it to be over. But at the same time, I did not believe I would be having little Sophia any time soon.<br />
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I was putting my other two children to bed, when all of a sudden I felt something warm in my pants. I immediately was annoyed because I thought I had just peed my pants, but then upon looking at it, I knew it wasn't urine. I couldn't believe it, could this be my water? I very much doubted it, and with company over to watch a movie, I decided to just wait and see if anything more happened.<br />
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After the movie, our friends went home, and I decided reluctantly to go to labor and delivery to check things out, since it kept on trickling, and my midwife encouraged me to go. I didn't bother packing a bag or bringing anything, and told my parents to not get excited, that we would more than likely just be coming back home in an hour or so. After all, even if I was in labor, my plan was to labor at home with my hubby and doula as long as possible, so I knew I wasn't going to be staying at the hospital. Wrong!<br />
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We got to L&D at about 10:45 pm, and was checked in to triage. They told us they would be doing a strip test that will automatically give you a good idea if it truly is amniotic fluid or not. The test came back looking like it could be, so then they did a more advanced test. As we waited, I kept thinking this was such a waste of time. I should be home in bed.<br />
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The nurse came back, and low and behold, it WAS amniotic fluid, and I wasn't going anywhere, I was going to have this baby within the next 24 hours! I was floored! I asked if I could go home, and come back when I was closer to delivery, but I was told that it would be against doctor's reccomendations, and could affect insurance coverage if I left and then something went wrong that could have been controlled had I stayed. So I made the decision to stay, even though my body wasn't in labor yet. I hadn't felt a single surge, or any indication that labor was starting. So after we were transferred to a L&D room, my job was to try and get my body started, with nipple stimulation and walking. The problem was, since I was going for a VBAC, they put me on constant fetal monitoring, which got in the way of walking, since it couldn't read it well. I thought this was one thing I could ask not to have, but apparently it is required in every hospital in Utah. I had less power than I thought, and I was a bit frustrated, but I knew that wouldn't help anything, so I stayed positive and decided to enjoy this experience as best I could.<br />
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After a few hours of trying so hard to start labor, nothing was happening. My midwife came in and talked to me about giving me pitocin, I was so surprised, because again, I thought pitocin was a no-no for VBAC patients. I guess I was wrong on a few accounts. She explained that it is used quite often and is safer than other forms of induction, because it is a controlled drip that you can shut off immediately, versus creams that cannot just come off if there was a problem. She told me it was my choice, but if my body didn't start progressing, eventually this baby would need to come, since the barrier was broken and the risk of infection goes up after 24 hours, and I could end up having a c section. So my options were labor with pitocin, or risk a c section. I reluctantly chose pitocin, and so we got started.<br />
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By early morning, my surges were becoming more consistent and stronger, and I decided to have Laurel come. I had been keeping her informed throughout the night, and I wanted her to get a good night's rest before she came. I also told my hubby to go get some breakfast, since I knew things would start getting intense, and I wouldn't want him to leave my side after that. So I found myself alone for a bit, but I felt calm and peaceful with Laura's tracks playing in my headphones, and the lights dimmed. I loved Your Healing Place, and the Birth affirmations tracks, and pretty much put them on repeat. When my surges started getting strong, I was fortunate enough to have an amazing midwife. She was very Hypnobirthing friendly, and was right there with me reminding me to breathe and moan low and drop my shoulders and jaw through each surge. She was there the entire time until Scott and Laurel came. I kept thinking how lucky I was, and how happy I was that I didn't choose a doctor, who I might not have even seen once until I delivered. She was just like a doula for me, and I just wanted to hug her. She made such a big difference. Once Laurel and my hubby Scott arrived, we all went to work. I needed them immediately. What a wonderful team I had. My mother was also there, and I think she felt a little out of place, but I was glad to have her mothering vibes in the room.<br />
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With each surge, they steadily got stronger and stronger. For anyone who doesn't know, pitocin is tough stuff. It is much harder than natural oxytocin that your body produces. My nurses kept upping the drip, and by the time it got to a 10, I was ready for the tub. Once we got all the monitors sorted out, I got in and immediately felt relief. Warm water is heaven in labor!! Laurel and Scott were there with each surge, and I felt a little break in between surges and we were able to chat a bit. After awhile though, apparently I was too comfortable, because they upped the drip again to a 12. This was hard, REAL hard to handle. I couldn't get on top of the pain. I couldn't relax anymore, and for the first time, I was dreading the coming surges. The water had lost it's magic, so I got out and tried other positions. By this time, my surges turned into back labor, and I felt an incredible amount of pain in my back and tailbone. It was unbearable, and after 20 hours of no food and no sleep, and over 12 hours of pitocin-induced labor, I was spent. I tried so hard to keep going, but once the tears started and my body started shaking, I knew I needed to rest, or I wasn't going to make it. I remember begging Laurel and Scott to not hate me or be disapointed with me for asking for an epidural. They both quickly said that they were very proud of me, and that I had made it through most of it so strong, and that I needed to listen to my body, and do what's right for me. I felt better after hearing that, and once the epidural was working, I had no regrets. My poor body needed a break. I fell asleep pretty quickly, and so did the rest of my team. It was a much needed break for all of us!<br />
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I'm not sure exactly how long, but I think it was only 3 hours before I was ready to push. The epidural had worn off enough that I could feel a decent amount of pressure. I could feel her pushing down, and after a look, the midwife said it was time! I remember right before she came, feeling a sense of anxiety, and fear, that I wouldn't be good enough, that I wouldn't be able to be everything my children needed with one more baby to take care of. Feelings of inadequatcy were mounting, and I started to cry. But Laurel, Scott and mom were all there to tell me everything would be fine. I could feel her crowning, and was able to control my pushes and not bear down too hard too fast. I used my breathing to breathe her down, and after only 3 pushes at 5:45 pm, her head was out, and I didn't tear a bit! Her body quickly followed, and she was put right on top of me, It was the most incredible moment of my life! All I ever wanted was to have my babies put right on me after delivery, and in this breathtaking moment, I felt an enormous flood of love. Hear she was, 5 lbs 8 oz and 16 in of beauty; my first daughter, beautiful and perfect in every way. All feelings of self doubt, fear and inadequacy vanished in that moment, and I was soaring.<br />
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After delivery, they had to take Sophia to the nicu for a short while to help her breathe, so my husband followed her, and my mom and I watched TV while I (finally) ate. Laurel said goodbye and I thanked her a million times for all she did. She is worth her weight in gold!! My breastfeeding consultant, Wendy, showed up and was ready to help me as soon as Sophia was back. The staff commented on how I hardly bled at all, and were very happy with everything postpartum. After I was done eating, a nurse came to take me in a wheel chair to see my baby in the nicu. I got up from the bed, a little shaky from the epidural, and went to sit on the chair, when all of a sudden blood was dripping down my legs and on the floor, fast. My nurse was surprised, and then looked at the bed and saw much more had been pooling as I sat there and ate after delivery. I asked her if this was normal, and she said she was getting the midwife back in here, and that I needed to get back on the bed. Once my midwife came in, she took a look and started pushing on my uterus to try and get it to clamp down like it is supposed to. But pad after pad was soaked in blood, and I started to realize this was not normal. I was hemorrhaging. I found myself quickly being surrounded by lots of staff, and I kept asking if I was ok, and what was going on. My midwife was very positive and upbeat, but I could tell once they started weighing how much blood I was losing, that it was serious. I was so glad that Wendy was there, acting as a doula and helping me breathe and stay calm. She was the voice that kept me here. She was right in my ear, telling me I was going to be ok, that I was strong, and she used the shoulder press a lot to calm my shaking. Apparently I was shaking very hard.I vaguely remember this. But Wendy was my angel. If any of you know her, you will agree with me that she has such a calming presence, and I could feel her transferring that to me. I started feeling dizzy and could feel my body barely conscious. I could hear voices, but was too weak to keep my eyes open. The thought occurred to me the possibility that I could die. I said a prayer, asking my Father in heaven to let me stay, that I wanted to raise these kids, that I wasn't ready to go. I was glad that Scott wasn't there to see all this blood. They gave me pitocin, cytotec, (another one I never thought I'd take) and another I can't remember to contract my uterus to get the blood to stop. They worked, and after 1000 CC's of blood loss, they took my blood count and determined I didn't need a blood transfusion, but my white blood cell count was elevated. Almost immediately I felt the fever. I had an infection, so I needed to start on antibiotics. I felt horrible, and realized my ear hurt quite a bit. The midwife took a look inside, and apparently I had ruptured my ear drum! Oh my! It all happened to fast, but with the bleeding controlled, and the antibiotics flowing and pain medication given, I was ready for recovery. Feeling very weak and tired, I was super out of it. Sophia was wheeled back into my room, and all I wanted was her. I pulled her close to me, up against my cheek, and smelled and felt her warmth. She was all I needed to feel whole. She was my medicine. She made all this so worth it. <br />
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So although I did not give birth 100% without intervention, I truly feel that Hypnobirthing and Laurel and Wendy and my husband helped me make it so much farther than I ever could have without them. I feel like I did everything exactly the way I needed to, and I have no regrets. I felt very empowered and in control, and felt completely surrounded and supported with peace and love and joy. I never once felt alone like I did with my first birth. I am so grateful beyond words that I educated myself to know all my options, to listen to my body, and to know that I could trust it. I am in love with birth, and with the power that comes with it. It is not to be feared, but rather embraced and accepted as the most amazing miracle of our existence.Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-15751728593769369562013-10-04T05:25:00.000-06:002013-10-04T05:25:08.029-06:00It's a GIRL!! And why I'm going natural...I'm having a girl, and I just can't believe it! I was certain it would be a boy, but I get to have a beautiful daughter who is going to be my very best friend! YAY! I'm envisioning lace galore, and classic beauty. She'll be all decked out in <a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/106305067/shabby-chic-fairy-dress-12-months-pink">this</a> and <a href="http://www.polyvore.com/baby_tutu_dress_shabby_chic/thing?id=54924045">this</a> and <a href="http://addingatouchofgrace.blogspot.com/2013/04/shabby-chic-first-birthday.html">this</a>. And her nursery will look something like <a href="http://cottagestyleblogs.blogspot.com/2011/02/nursery-and-little-girl-rooms.html">this</a> if I can only afford it!! She'll be classy shabby chic to the max! And I wonder if anyone can guess my favorite name right now, based off of that...<br />
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I'm so excited! And through this pregnancy, as well as my last, I have been on a journey of healing and self discovery, that has lead me to realize my own strength and power. It's such a long story, I hope that I will write it all down someday. Right now, I will leave you with this essay on why I am attempting to teach and learn and trust my body to birth the way God intended. I won a birth package at the Empowering Fearless Birth event that was held a couple weeks ago. It included full midwife services, doula services, birth video, newborn photos, a photo keepsake box, and a breast pump. A $4,500 value, and I won! And it just so happens, that the same doula I already had decided on is the one that I won the free services! Fate? I think so!! Here is what I wrote down of why I wanted those services:<br />
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<span id="yui_3_7_2_1_1380884185617_2790" style="font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif;">My name is Latissa Graham, and I am currently pregnant with my 3rd child. My first was delivered in a hospital with the use of pitocin and an epidural. If you would have talked to me then, I would have said that this is the only way a sane person would give birth. But after being so numb all the way up to my neck and not even being able to feel pressure when I was delivering, and then being unable to hold my baby because I was so drugged, and experiencing the epidural not wearing off for 2 days, I re-thought this method. I missed the opportunity to have my baby placed right on my chest after delivery, and instead have him whisked away with my husband and the entire staff right after I delivered. I felt so empty and alone, for a good hour. Breastfeeding never worked out, even though I tried for months. I ended up pumping my milk and bottle feeding for 8 months, because I was determined to give my baby the best I could. Postpartum depression also hit hard, and this was a hard time for me, with not many resources or info for support. I ended up on Zoloft, but knew this wasn't fixing the problem, it was only a band aid.</span></div>
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<span id="yui_3_7_2_1_1380884185617_2796" style="font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif;">My second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage after trying for 5 months. This was exceptionally hard on me, and I didn't have much time to recover. I got pregnant again a month later, and bought a house and moved all at the same time. My hormone levels went crazy. I found myself getting very depressed, but was terrified of taking any medication for fear of hurting my baby. I scoured the internet, searching for anything on depression during pregnancy, and found very little. Many studies done on medications used during pregnancy were inconclusive, and vague, and unreliable. I was so frustrated, and felt like I was the only one. There was much information about postpartum depression, but not during pregnancy. Was I the only one? I tried and tried everything, including therapy, but by the end of my 1st trimester, I was suicidal. The only thing keeping me alive was the baby growing inside of me. I knew if I hurt myself, I'd hurt the baby, and I would never do that. But that's when I knew I had no other option but to get medication. </span></div>
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<span id="yui_3_7_2_1_1380884185617_2798" style="font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif;">After being on Zoloft for awhile, it helped immensely, but I was still so concerned about the effects of medication. I started learning and researching birth, and came across The Business of Being Born. I watched, and knew that this is what I wanted. But with another major complication, that would be impossible for this baby. I had to have a scheduled C section at 35 weeks because of a very rare condition called Vasa Previa. Basically, my placenta was split in two parts, and was connected by blood vessels that crossed over my cervix. These blood vessels were in direct supply to the baby, and if ruptured (due to labor, waters breaking, too much pressure) the baby would bleed out in a matter of minutes. I was terrified of a c section, but I was beyond grateful that my ultrasound showed this condition, because undiagnosed, the mortality rate for this condition in 90%. Thank God in Heaven for modern technology. But through this whole experience, I longed for a natural birth. I delved in to the world of midwives and doulas and water births and how our bodies know how to give birth. My whole life, I thought that the doctors knew everything, that I need not question them, because they had it all figured out. All I had to do was show up to my appointments and show up to the hospital and they'll give me my baby. I didn't KNOW that I needed to KNOW. That my body knows what it needs, and I need to trust it, above anyone else. </span></div>
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<span id="yui_3_7_2_1_1380884185617_2842" style="font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif;">After giving birth, and my baby being born alive and only needing 8 days in the NICU, I was so happy he was here, but I knew that next time I wanted to do things differently. Next time, I will empower myself with all the knowledge I can about birth and my body, and I will trust it, and give it a chance to do what it was made to do.</span></div>
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<span id="yui_3_7_2_1_1380884185617_2800" style="font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif;">I am a massage therapist, and received this flyer in the mail for this certification done by Claire Marie Miller on Prenatal, Labor, and Postpartum massage. I immediately knew I needed to take this class. This class was beyond healing for me. Not only did I learn how to help pregnant women, but I experienced an emotional healing. A healing from all the heartaches I experienced in my pregnancies, the miscarriage, the severe depression, the fear of losing my baby, the guilt of not being able to breastfeed either of my children, feeling rejected, like something was wrong with me, and the knowledge that I am a powerful woman, that my body is a blessed creation, and that I am and have always been enough for my children. I forgave myself, and felt peace, for the first time in a very long time. Little did I know, that I was already pregnant again during that seminar! Only four months after having my last baby, I was pregnant again, and expecting the baby only 13 months after having my last! Hears the kicker- I was taking the mini pill perfectly on time every day, and fully breastfeeding (pumping) and I still got pregnant!! It was obviously meant to happen. At first I was terrified. Terrified of being so depressed again. But then I felt a very strong feeling of peace, that this would be different, that this was part of the plan, and that I can do this. Now at 18 weeks, I have experienced no depression, and very minimal nausea. I want with all my heart to do this differently, to have a dream birth, where my body is in charge, where my spirit is ready, and I have lots of love and support from an awesome birth team. I know I can do this, and I need to do this! I can't wait to go to Empowering Fearless birth event, and soak up all the info I possibly can to help empower me with all the knowledge and training and support I can to allow my body to birth the way it was made to. This money would help me immensely, since the C section and NICU stay dug a huge hole of debt for us, and with my husband's new job, our insurance is not great. Please consider me, and help me have my dream birth!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif;">I am currently taking Hypnobirthing classes that have helped me so much, to deal with my anxiety and sleep issues. It's basically just mind over matter, and it really works! I will post more on this later, but there is a taste of what I am currently experiencing!</span></div>
Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-18880771659296804282013-07-07T23:41:00.000-06:002013-07-07T23:41:06.641-06:00Ethan Scott Graham - 6 months already!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Mom! You've been holding out on me! These bananas are AWESOME!!</td></tr>
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My little Ethan celebrated his 1/2 year birthday on Independence Day! I can't believe how fast the time has gone, and how big he has gotten! I brought home a 4lb 14oz baby, and he is now 16 pounds!! Pretty much tripled his weight! This kid loves to eat. He wouldn't sleep more than 2-3 hours throughout the night, and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with him. Then finally, a few weeks before his 6 month date, I introduced solid foods; rice cereal and bananas. Not only did he LOVE eating, but he slept 6 hours straight! WOW!!! YAY!<br />
Now, he isn't perfect, but he does like a regular night time schedule, and if I keep him on that, he usually sleeps pretty well. But he is still a terrible napper! He loves cat naps, and just takes them all day off and on. He won't just go down on a schedule, like Carson did. Carson is my obscenely perfect sleeper however, so I can't really compare him to Ethan. I'm sure he'll get it down someday.<br />
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Ethan is my lover of kisses, hugs, cuddles, and being held. He just loves to be loved, and will let you know with a big smile and a sigh. He will also grab your face and pull you close and give you a big slobbery wet one. He loves to suck on daddy's chin. It's so hilarious to watch!! Ethan would be the absolutely most perfect baby if he could just be held all the time, and by anyone really. Anyone that will give him love and attention. He would never fuss. Too bad there is zero chance that is possible! He has an adorable giggle, and is ticklish under his chin and neck. He'll giggle like crazy when daddy nuzzles his face on his neck and chin with his whiskers. I love it!!!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZB1PvtCBJCYgNHdAbqJr0hYqkPOmMBtUHZwRwrs3jovN4hFyyfXq4_LVMOIq3HWc8ykUaDbaeou4nvCZLgXsnbqNE5grepziwKfD_4HoqP6mjFdJRYaoNRJpKm_tFFHTn7ieHJsN7EkM/s1600/1009338_10152921431830593_866255652_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZB1PvtCBJCYgNHdAbqJr0hYqkPOmMBtUHZwRwrs3jovN4hFyyfXq4_LVMOIq3HWc8ykUaDbaeou4nvCZLgXsnbqNE5grepziwKfD_4HoqP6mjFdJRYaoNRJpKm_tFFHTn7ieHJsN7EkM/s400/1009338_10152921431830593_866255652_o.jpg" width="400" /></a>He just recently started doing this whole body wiggle on his back, like he's trying to wiggle across the floor, like a snake. It's hilarious to watch, and I still haven't captured it on video yet, but I'll keep trying! Ethan hates tummy time, with a passion. He gets irritated very quickly, and then screams bloody murder, and then gives up entirely and falls asleep. This is very frustrating, and he still hasn't rolled over at all, and can barely push himself up in front. He also cannot sit by himself, but he is good at holding himself up in the Bumbo and on the swing. Carson was also crazy fast and ahead with reaching physical milestones, so it's hard to compare the two. Carson wasn't a preemie either. But I do worry a bit, and have been really working on building his muscles and trying to teach him how to roll, and I am seeing progress. So I think he'll be just fine!<br />
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Ethan is a beautiful, bright eyed baby, and I just love him to pieces! And I love that I can enjoy him without any more depression. What a relief. He was worth every dark second I had last year, and I'd do it all again just to know that I get to keep him forever and ever. He's my little miracle baby, and I just love him so much!!! <br />
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<br />Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-91966852458179373842013-04-04T11:59:00.001-06:002013-04-04T11:59:38.278-06:0026<p dir=ltr>It was a happy happy birthday lunch at Chili's with my family. And yummy fajitas and cake at my in laws that night. But I swear, I'm 22 at most!</p>
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text-align: center;'> <a href='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMjNJ5PXKoOhw_D9NlNg9tgeMLQNAj_Rd6ukWvlMv5BdZ5iFzclJWzrOrpuaTIx5PgH3NlX4CjozsLUzpIb3k-GHKeZcGiptgQDz00P3qYex9v_ZM5fietyu0HH5jcOZf0cdGWMZ6E6TI/s1600/20130401_131546.jpg' imageanchor='1' style='margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;'> <img border='0' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMjNJ5PXKoOhw_D9NlNg9tgeMLQNAj_Rd6ukWvlMv5BdZ5iFzclJWzrOrpuaTIx5PgH3NlX4CjozsLUzpIb3k-GHKeZcGiptgQDz00P3qYex9v_ZM5fietyu0HH5jcOZf0cdGWMZ6E6TI/s640/20130401_131546.jpg' /> </a> </div>Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-63572257056530443492013-03-17T15:37:00.002-06:002013-03-17T15:37:39.715-06:00Ethan Scott Graham's birth story10 weeks later, and I am finally posting Ethan's birth story. Holy cow. All I can say is that life is crazy with an almost 3 year old and an infant who's not great at sleeping! But we are starting to get in the hang of things around here, and I found a rare moment of peace, so here it is. A warning to those who are squeamish: I have posted pictures of my unique placenta and uterus on here after many people requesting to see it.<br />
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Ethan Scott Graham was born via C section 5 weeks early on January 4th, 2013 at 7:52 am, weighing 5 pounds 7 ounces and 18 inches long. On the morning of the surgery, I was feeling anxious, but prepared and at peace. Here is a picture of me right before we left for the hospital:<br />
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I knew everything would go well. I had made it this far through the tumultuous pregnancy, and I knew I had finally reached the end safely. I had not been admitted to the hospital on bed rest as previously planned, and was able to be home not only for the whole Christmas season, but even New Years. This came as a huge relief, and surprise. We were all feeling very blessed, and I know it is because of all the many prayers and blessings we received. And also because of divine inspiration that lead me to the most amazing, knowledgeable Periantologist I could have gone to. Because of her rare experience and intuition with Vasa Previa, she felt I was able to be home, that it would be better for me and the baby if I less stressed and comfortable, and that as long as everything looked good at my bi-weekly check ups, she felt good about me being at home. I am so grateful I found her, because most doctors would have just admitted me at 30 weeks, regardless of any tests, just out of pure ignorance and fear of this rare condition. </div>
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I woke up pretty nauseated due to having to be up so early (4:30 am) and not being able to eat anything. I through up on the way to the hospital twice, and was given a zofran injection. After that, it was smooth sailing. I felt great, and at ease. So excited to meet my baby. I thought I would be freaking out because I have always been terrified of being cut open, but I had no fear. It probably helped that I had had 3 months to prepare for it, versus being in labor and having to do it in an emergency. I got pretty shaky, so my awesome anesthesiologist gave me something to calm my nerves and even rubbed my head. My whole team was awesome, and they let me know everything that was going on. Here is a picture of me in surgery:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNhsJtpw-FH06Kql4H172YvxFPlTV0Cn2j478ySveFl-1mBbw6L0sxif71JqwSvcmAUQ4FqjdXnny7FYini7vZztRj-ekAZFtcO8_1bm8Yw4LqdQYfqBuiyNlLg62ymC0K3KE2gaCZmKo/s1600/740976_10152409496950593_1939506449_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNhsJtpw-FH06Kql4H172YvxFPlTV0Cn2j478ySveFl-1mBbw6L0sxif71JqwSvcmAUQ4FqjdXnny7FYini7vZztRj-ekAZFtcO8_1bm8Yw4LqdQYfqBuiyNlLg62ymC0K3KE2gaCZmKo/s400/740976_10152409496950593_1939506449_o.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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After I got the spinal tap, everything went really numb. The sheet went up, and Scott was right by my head. They asked me if I wanted a mirror so I could see the surgery, but I said no. I didn't want to see what was going on at the moment it was happening, but I wanted pictures. So I told Scott to take some pictures. I know at first he didn't want to watch, but when Ethan came out, he looked over and from that point on, Scott was watching. It was quite fascinating At one point, they had to completely lift my uterus out of my body cavity in order to remove part of my placenta from the wall. Here is a picture of that:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpC-HdaJ4j2v1jJXlV8J2nzMUqh9y5QpaVhLISkJGKciKa9Tk1kth-5S84Vfny_BsYvqXj32gDANwlZfIg-f2WKIlT83umO_xhCzH7Y3PephUPbgG8hYLzL4IqNVjqKUvKIL0_n-Ks0-0/s1600/20130104_081236.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpC-HdaJ4j2v1jJXlV8J2nzMUqh9y5QpaVhLISkJGKciKa9Tk1kth-5S84Vfny_BsYvqXj32gDANwlZfIg-f2WKIlT83umO_xhCzH7Y3PephUPbgG8hYLzL4IqNVjqKUvKIL0_n-Ks0-0/s400/20130104_081236.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Ethan came out screaming his guts out. Boy did he sound mad! Can you imagine what it would be like to be in a nice, warm environment, and without any warning you are ripped out and exposed in bright lights and cold air? I'd be screaming too! My first thought when I saw him was, "Look at all that dark hair!I knew it would be dark." I was so relieved to hear that beautiful cry. It's amazing that all the hardness of the past eight months was all revolving on hearing that one, piercing first scream, and that it was all so worth it. Here is Ethan shortly after birth:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiU5UR6aE-1PHHll5IeSWPvu0o3-hB_rwoe6J3_iILXZRFHOrkIki_mM6rvilqWUWE-IVQ1gax6vE7Npt3XgBREG7zEiJpfRN_wjkGAa-agsniDQ-29GZOwsDkChgHhuxxmibtv5L0GsoQ/s1600/IMG_3775.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiU5UR6aE-1PHHll5IeSWPvu0o3-hB_rwoe6J3_iILXZRFHOrkIki_mM6rvilqWUWE-IVQ1gax6vE7Npt3XgBREG7zEiJpfRN_wjkGAa-agsniDQ-29GZOwsDkChgHhuxxmibtv5L0GsoQ/s400/IMG_3775.JPG" width="400" /></a>When my doctor saw my bi-lobed placenta, she asked me if she could take a picture. I said of course. After all, I had a very rare case! She came into my room after surgery and told me something I'll never forget. She said, "Latissa, I didn't want to tell you while you were on the table, but the veins that connected the two placentas were so large, that even if I were to have admitted you to the hospital on bed rest, and even if you were right next to the c section room, ready to deliver the baby the second they ruptured, I don't believe I could have gotten the baby out in time to save him. He would have bled out too fast." I am so grateful that this never happened. Here is a picture of my bi lobed placenta. those veins are huge!<br />
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Recovery was better than I thought, but still quite hard. Mostly revolving around the many trips to the NICU and all the walking involved. I also pulled a muscle in my obliques, and had to see a physical therapist while in the hospital. But I was taken care of very well, and had many visitors. Here is a picture of Carson and I:<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQpgRw13EqEHCfmdliAWThwVC3fNdsE2kk8hnugOiIlQvvRwvyMWHXzXGeyemDZeVr316Q19thQLog4yyvh2IXQFgo85GhMOF2w6DZSkfXlcSC_tA8_8EaxWYZwk7-P_-hwFHHWzo7q4Y/s1600/IMG_3821.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQpgRw13EqEHCfmdliAWThwVC3fNdsE2kk8hnugOiIlQvvRwvyMWHXzXGeyemDZeVr316Q19thQLog4yyvh2IXQFgo85GhMOF2w6DZSkfXlcSC_tA8_8EaxWYZwk7-P_-hwFHHWzo7q4Y/s400/IMG_3821.JPG" width="400" /></a><br />
Ethan was in the NICU for only 8 days. By the time he left, he was 4 pounds 14 ounces, and I remember thinking that I couldn't believe how small he was. He was so healthy and strong, and his doctor was surprised how well he was doing. We were so blessed!<br />
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When I came home, I walked into my room and discovered that it had been painted and all set up and clean. While I was in the hospital recovering, both sides of the family came together and did it all. Our room used to be this nasty green, and it was so depressing, and so my mother in law thought I would like to have a beautiful room, since I'd be spending so much time in it. I was so surprised, and grateful. I really am so blessed to have family and friends that love me and my family so very much. We have so much support. Life would be a whole lot harder without them.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglpP3BwTKFaH1iLY-KCAt5UALOLanXW7hbl8fE7sLej5Rb8AUU5cgJu_hFXhDsIz47YVyKRx8nBokq-G1wPE4GRf0yJoLoHW5XqtaP1qWj-LyhBqzwEbzu20Ldd7tD0TuZPYlLg6xYAlw/s1600/733918_10152653207370593_97093132_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglpP3BwTKFaH1iLY-KCAt5UALOLanXW7hbl8fE7sLej5Rb8AUU5cgJu_hFXhDsIz47YVyKRx8nBokq-G1wPE4GRf0yJoLoHW5XqtaP1qWj-LyhBqzwEbzu20Ldd7tD0TuZPYlLg6xYAlw/s400/733918_10152653207370593_97093132_n.jpg" width="400" /></a>Since we brought Ethan home, life has been a crazy blur until just recently. Getting used to two kids, one of which doesn't sleep well, and the other who won't sleep when the baby sleeps has been super hard. Also dealing with some post pardum depression, and a trip to the ER after a seizure scare with Ethan, (turned out to be a reaction to acid re-flux January and February were pretty much a blur. But life has seemed to level out, and we are adjusting. I love my tow boys more than I could have ever imagined. I am so happy and fulfilled. So thankful beyond words that I have two healthy, strong, beautiful boys, and a steady, loyal, selfless husband who has supported me through all the light and darkness. Life is beautiful.</div>
Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-21557677302585644892013-02-27T23:13:00.003-07:002013-02-27T23:19:02.022-07:00An Actual Solution for InsomniaI need to blog about Ethan's birth, but this needed to be posted tonight, seeing as many of you have prompted me to share what I learned from the Sleep Therapist today. So let me start at the beginning...<br />
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For the past ten years, I have had chronic insomnia, and before that, as my mother has shared with me, I wasn't such a great sleeper either. I toss and turn for hours and hours, until finally I fall asleep, only to find that it's usually 4 am, and I usually have to get up for something or someone, and cannot get the amount of sleep needed. My brain just won't shut off. That chemical that turns your brain off and helps you drift to sleep, just doesn't function. I have always slept better in the morning, and been wide awake late at night. I can't pin point when and why this really developed, but I have been off and on sleeping pills since I was 16, but for almost 3 years, I have been on Ambien every single night. If any of you know anything about sleeping pills, you know you are only supposed to be on them for a few nights, never long term. They aren't made for a chronic problem, and over time, you eventually develop a resistance to them, and need a higher dose in order for them to still work. Sooner or later, you are needing such a high dose, way more than recommended, and you are faced with either running out of your prescription too soon, or going to the doctor and getting on a different kind. When you've been on sleeping pills for this long, when you run out of your meds, you don't sleep...AT ALL... for a couple nights. Your body can go through withdrawal, and insomnia temporarily worsens. By the third night of hardly any sleep, your resolve to quit the sleeping pills diminishes. You NEED the pills...you can't function without sleep. right? So you HAVE to be on them. It's just part of who you are, and what you need to function...right??? In an article I was reading, I found this quote. "The only effect sleeping pills have," says sleep expert Dr. Kripke at
UCSD, "is they make you feel good about not being able to sleep." Even your doctor tells you it's fine that you need it, and if it isn't working, lets load you up with more drugs. It's a hole you feel stuck in. YOu just wish you could shut your damn brain off and sleep like the rest of the normal people out there, but no one has an answer, and REAL solution to your problem.<br />
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This is where I am at right now. My baby is finally starting to sleep longer stretches, and here I am, wide awake. And just as I'm finally falling asleep, I look at the clock and realize my toddler will wake up in a couple hours, and I'll have no choice but to get up and be his mommy, no matter how tired I am. Then someone offers to give me a nap, and I take it. I feel better when I wake up, but I find that I have the same problem later that night, and I can't sleep unless I'm heavily drugged.<br />
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I have been wanting with all of my heart to get off of these meds, but with desperation and a priesthood blessing, I was prompted to wait until I was no longer pregnant, since my pregnancy was so complicated. I was told that I would be able to find a solution, even though it may be hard to go through. So here I am, almost 8 weeks post pardum, and last weekend, I ran out of Ambien, and of course, I had been taking too much and couldn't refill it yet. I went to my doctor, and he said I could start on a different medication, but he advised that I figure out why I am not sleeping. I asked him if I should see a sleep therapist, and he seemed to think that was a good idea. So I did the hard thing. I went home without a prescription, knowing all too well that I would not be sleeping a wink that night. But I was done. I was done with being so dependent on these pills. And with my body going back to normal, I was ready to take this on. The weekend was rough. My hubby let me sleep in on Saturday and Sunday and Monday, after no sleep the previous nights. Then Tuesday night, I finally fell asleep at midnight and slept for 3 1/2 hours, then woke up and fed the baby and could not go back to sleep, even though I was utterly exhausted and the baby was sleeping. That was last night, and today I went and saw the sleep specialist. I told him my history, and after going through many questions, he first told me that he was very impressed that I wanted to find a solution, and that I was brave enough to get conquer my dependence on the meds, and that I wasn't there just to convince him I needed a higher dose. Then he proceeded to tell me about this treatment called Sleep Restriction Therapy.<br />
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First he started out by explaining that our minds can be compared to a computer. When you go to shut it down, you have two ways of doing so. You can shut it down the correct way by clicking the button, and then it proceeds to go through the normal procedure of closing programs and turning off correctly. Or, you can push the start button and hold it down, till you force it to shut off. Forcing your brain to shut off at night is exactly what sleeping pills do. You are not shutting down the normal way, you are just skipping that whole process and forcing it to sleep. Pretty soon, this is the only way your brain knows how to sleep at night, and it completely relies on it. So, you are up all night, and then you sleep in the morning, or take naps during the day, so then you aren't tired so you have to take a pill to sleep, and the whole process repeats itself.<br />
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So this is what you do. First, you have to figure out how much sleep you normally get without sleeping pills. Get and average over a few nights, and log it. Then you must do a "hard reset" on your brain, and you stay up for 24 hours straight. This means no sleeping pills. Sleeping pills will harm any chance of retraining your body to know when to sleep and how to stay asleep. Sleep fasting reboots your internal sleep computer. This resets your circadian rhythm, and starts a clean slate. <br />
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Then you must figure out when you need or want to get up every morning, and subtract that from the number of hours you normally sleep at night, and that is the time you go to bed. So for me, I usually only get 4 hours of sleep at night, and I have to get up by 7 every morning, so my bedtime after the sleep fast would be 3 am. I MUST get up at 7 am, even if I feel like sleeping in.<br />
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Next, you must use bright light therapy. You can buy these at stores, but my hubby actually made a light box for me after researching how and what kind of light you needed. You have to be near the light for a half hour right after waking every morning. Using light therapy is absolutely essential, and this whole process is not near as successful without it. This helps to teach your system when to sleep and wake at the right times.<br />
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Next, you gradually increase the amount of sleep you get each night.This is one of the most important steps, because if you jump back too
quickly into trying to sleep all night, you'll lose any benefit you
gained up to this point. Once you find that you are falling asleep quickly (within 20 minutes of lying down) and you are sleeping the full amount of time, you can add 15 minutes of sleep. So if my bed time is 3 am, I could try going to sleep at 2:45 am, and if that night is successful, then 2:30 am and so on. But if I find that I cannot sleep at 2:30 am quickly, then I must go back to sleeping at 2:45 or 3 am, and start at the time I could sleep for a few days, and try it again. <br />
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And last, NO NAPPING. This is extremely important. Napping messes up your circadian rhythm and you won't be able to sleep when you need to. If you have chronic insomnia, like me, you should never ever nap again, it's that important. This kinda makes me wanna cry. If you feel tired during the day, use your light box or get out in the
sunshine and exercise until the drowsiness is gone, but don't give in to
napping.<br />
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In reading Dr. Spielman's studies, most people gained at least a couple hours of sleep each night after doing this therapy. That can make all the difference. 6 hours of sleep is a heck of a lot better than 4.<br />
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When he explained this to me, it felt right. I felt peace that this is the course of action I should take in order to beat this problem. It's definitely not the easy route. It's going to kill me, I am sure. But in my mind, it makes perfect sense. This is the only real solution I have ever been given to treat my chronic insomnia, and I am so grateful that it exists.<br />
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I'm debating whether to start this tonight, or wait until after Ethan's baby blessing this weekend. I have so much I have to do, and I think I need to plan for this. It's going to be a week or two of hell. I'm not sure how my kids will survive, especially my poor 2 year old Carson. His mommy is going to be dead and boring, and I'm sure very short tempered. But I feel this is right. Now I just need the strength to do it. But I am blessed to have many people praying for me. My mother in law felt prompted to put my name on the prayer roll of 16 temples. Bless that woman. Her faith is unwavering. I look up to her in so many ways. And I know my Heavenly Father will not leave me alone. I know he will provide a way that will make this possible.<br />
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So whether I start tonight, or Sunday night, I will keep you updated. I'm going to log everything on this blog, and let all my fellow insomniacs see how well it works for me. Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-61175295314334605442012-12-18T21:19:00.000-07:002012-12-18T21:19:37.546-07:00A Christmas BlessingI am overwhelmed at the blessings I have received this Christmas season. This year has been one heck of a ride. This was a time for a true test of faith, endurance, perseverance, and testimony. It is so hard to formulate into words all of the emotions I have experienced through this year. In reading over my previous blog posts starting in January, I think I have done a decent job at piecing together this year of enormous spiritual growth through trial. In my last post, I described the condition that I was diagnosed with during this pregnancy, and how I got to that point. Since then, I have been through much more. I will try to start where I left off.<br />
<br />
After being diagnosed with Vasa Previa, I endeavored to find out any and all information that I could about this condition. I read countless medical articles, various websites, blogs, news articles, etc. I needed to know everything I possibly could about my condition, so I could make the very best decisions regarding my doctors, specialists, and hospital I'd now have to choose to recieve the very best chance at getting this baby here safely.<br />
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After lots of research, I chose to transfer my care to Intermountain Medical Center in Murray. It's one of the highest ranking hospitals in the nation, and has an excellent NICU and beautiful new accommodations for new mommies. I also noted it had a couple of Maternal Fetal Medicine doctors that made the national list, and after praying a lot about it, we decided to go up there and see if we could take a tour. While there, I was able to talk to the best of the best. One mention of Vasa Previa, and she was called down to see me. I had my records transferred over there, and she took on my case. The very next week I was able to get in and see her, and after a thorough ultrasound and exam, she confirmed that it was Vasa Previa, but that she was not certain that the best course of action would be to admit me to the hospital for 5 weeks. She said it would depend on my body, and whether or not there were any signs of preterm labor or stress on the baby. Only time would tell. But she said to plan on being admitted at 30 to 32 weeks. I prepared myself to miss Christmas, to miss the entire month of December. This in many ways was difficult. I'd have to find people to care for my son while my husband worked. I would miss everything. I would miss all the traditions, the whole season. My son's face on Christmas morning. And I'd have to stop working, which meant money would be extremely tight. It might sound like a nice break to some, being able to go to the hospital and have no responsibilities: watch movies, read books, sleep, etc all day... but you know what? I want my responsibilities. As nice as a break is once in awhile, I would never ever want to stop being my son's mommy, my husband's wife, the homemaker, the Massage Therapist. I love my jobs. And I was about to have all of that taken away. Of course I knew it was for the best cause; to get this baby here safely. And I was willing to do it, no matter how difficult it would be.<br />
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So every week, I have to go in and "pass my tests," meaning the non stress test for the baby and the ultrasound to make sure there are no indications that my body is getting ready for labor. The deal is, that if I keep passing these (now twice weekly) tests, I get to be home. December came, and now at 33 weeks, I am still here at home. Every time I've had to go in, it has been an emotional roller coaster not knowing if I'd come home that day or end up being admitted. It has truly helped me to live in the moment as much as I can, and cherish every second I have with my son and husband. It's been a true test of faith, that the Lord would guide and direct both me and the doctor to be inspired to know when and if I need to be admitted. In many ways, it's been a game of chance, which has been the most stressful part. My doctor said that you never know what could happen. Worst case scenario, my water could break without warning and I wouldn't get to the hospital in time to save the baby. But the likelihood of that happening, with as good as I look is very rare. And after many blessings, I know the Lord will tell me if and when I need to be in the hospital. But like I said, this has been a true test of faith.<br />
<br />
The prospect of being home for Christmas is absolutely unbelievable. I never even considered that as a possibility. I am so beyond grateful that I have made it this far, and been able to experience things I never thought would be possible this season, like seeing the Mormon Tab. Christmas concert, (even though I had to go in a wheel chair.) It's been a humbling experience to rely on so many for help. I am so blessed, it just amazes me. In looking back on this year, sometimes I have sat there and really wondered if it was even possible for me to make it through, if this wasn't too much to bear. I know, that there is no way I could have ever made it through without my Savior Jesus Christ believing in ME. He never left me, not once. Even in my darkest moments, He was the one constant flicker of light. He never asked me to do it alone.<br />
<br />
Although I am not in the hospital, I have to take it very easy. This has been the hardest for me. I am such a do and go type of person. I am not a homebody. And I don't like a dirty house. I hate looking at the dishes, the bathrooms, the floors, etc. and not cleaning them. But I am trying to do my best. I still have to have a C section delivery. There is no other way around that, and it must be done early enough to avoid me going into labor, but late enough that this baby won't be severely premature. Between 35-36 weeks is recommended so we scheduled it for January 4th, 35 weeks and 2 days. I didn't have a C section with Carson, and in many ways I am quite terrified of the whole procedure. I am not out of the woods just yet. But I do know, without a doubt, that I won't have to do this alone. I know that the Lord will take care of me and my baby Ethan, and I know I can put my faith and trust in him. I also know, that no matter what I go through, He will make it possible for me to get through it, and learn and become stronger in faith and testimony if I only trust him.<br />
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So here's to a good possibility of being home for Christmas, and a wonderfully beautiful new baby boy to kiss and snuggle in the new year:)Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-29155311220224340982012-10-08T17:06:00.003-06:002012-10-08T17:17:39.214-06:00A pregnancy and life update<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So here is an update on the latest:</div>
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At 21 weeks we
had our ultrasound where they check all the measurements of the baby and
make sure everything is functioning and is placed properly. They also
check gender if you are interested, but we had already found out that we
were expecting little Ethan a couple of weeks before due to his heart
beat not showing up on the Doppler. (little stinker, gave me a real
fright!) So we were just excited to be able to see our little boy up
close and personal and to make sure all was well. As the doctor moved
through all the measurements, he stated that all looked normal and
healthy, and exactly on schedule. There was just a couple of minor
concerns. We found two cysts in little Ethan's brain. My doctor said
that this was extremely normal, and that they usually disappear long
before the baby is even born. But rarely, it can indicate a serious
disease. But almost always, if they have this disease, they would have a
great many other abnormalities that would be present in the ultrasound,
which there were none. But just to be safe, he wanted to send me to a
Periantologist at Utah Valley Regional to get his opinion. He told me
that I really shouldn't worry at all, however. He also pointed out that I
have two placentas, which is rare, and that one of them looked like it
was covering my cervix, (placenta previa) but that he believed that it
had a good amount of time left for it to migrate up away from my cervix,
so he told me to not worry about that just yet, and that we would check
it again as we got closer to delivery.</div>
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We left feeling
a bit worried, but I felt nothing but peace. I knew that no matter
what, we would all be ok. I felt that the baby would be healthy, and
after a Priesthood blessing, my feelings were confirmed. I only had to
wait a week to see the specialist, so I didn't think of it much.</div>
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Tuesday
came, and Scott was able to come with me, which I was so grateful. The
Ultrasound Tech performed the ultrasound first, and made a ton of notes.
I loved how she explained everything she saw and why she was checking
it. What a cool job. She pointed out that there was a concern with the
placentas, but that the Perientologist would be in shortly to take a
look. We found the cysts and she measured them. Then they Doctor came
in. He did pretty much everything the Tech did. He looked at the cysts,
and told us everything about the disease, and how in looking at all the
rest of his stats, there is no reason why we should worry. He said that
these cysts are more than likely normal. That was a relief. Then I asked
him about my two placentas, and whether that would pose a problem. This
is where the appointment took a turn for the worse.</div>
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He
explained that with Placenta Previa, the placenta is covering the
cervix. But in my case, instead of the actual placenta covering it, it
is actually blood vessels coming from the placenta connecting to the
other one on the other side, and thereby blocking the cervix. This
condition is much worse, because if anything were to cause a tear or
rupture in these blood vessels, the baby would bleed out very quickly.
Things that can cause this to happen are my water breaking, too much
weight from the uterus, any kind of force outside or in. This can be
unpredictable, and in 75% of cases where it is not detected, the baby
will die at or before birth. But the good news is that we detected it,
so now we can formulate a plan that will more than likely save the baby.</div>
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The
plan is, that November 13th when I am at 28 weeks we will be going in
for another ultrasound to double check and make sure everything is the
same, which my doctor says will more than likely be the case. From
there, we will discuss all the details, but the plan is that I will be
admitted to the hospital at 30 weeks, which will be the week after
Thanksgiving, and stay there for 5 weeks, at which time they will take
the baby 5 weeks early (about January 2nd) via c section to avoid me
ever getting too far along that the vein would rupture. The risk of
having a preemie is much lower than to wait till I am full term. So this
is what we are planning on. This will mean I will spend the entire
Christmas season in the hospital. This was quite disheartening, and
quite a lot to take in. First of all, the concern for the baby was high.
But also to miss Carson's Christmas, all of the activities we do and
celebrations with family...I'll miss all of that. It broke my heart. But
at the same time, I also have this overwhelming feeling of calmness and
peace. What a blessing! I know me, and I know that typically this would
have sent me over the edge, but for some reason I have been blessed to
not be afraid. I believe a lot of it has to do with the trials I have
experienced this year, which were almost more than I could bear. But I
was strengthened. My testimony didn't increase, it <span style="font-size: large;"><i>matured</i></span>. Faith that I
never experienced was formed, from the ground up, through many paths of resistance. I discovered a strength in me, in my spirit. My spirit self
was in charge, not my carnal mind that is full of doubts and
weaknesses. I had to let everything go in order to overcome the greatest
darkness. That is why we are here, so that God will know whether, in
that moment of utter despair and darkness, when we have nothing left, we
choose Him over the adversary. That we choose the light, and not give up
in the darkness. That is our ultimate test, the reason he sent us here.
The important thing to remember is that He never leaves us. We leave
Him. He is just waiting, wishing, praying and hoping we will accept that
He is the only way we can make it through even the thickest of hell. He
will carry us, but we have to allow Him. I know that no matter what
this life gives me, no matter what I experience, however wonderful or
terrible, He will help me through. He will never leave me. All I have to
do is put my TRUST and FAITH in Him. It's easier said than done, and
it's something we must learn continually throughout our lives, and I
know I am learning. I can do all through Him.</div>
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I am so
grateful we had General Conference. what a wonderful weekend. It's
amazing for me to consider where I was in my life and in my mind and
spirit just 6 months ago. I had just had my miscarriage, and it was my
birthday. I was so lost and bitter and hurt and depressed. I am amazed
at how far I have come since then, and so grateful. Trials truly bless
and strengthen us in the end, if we allow them.</div>
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Fall is
here, and I am going to enjoy every minute of it! If I have to miss
Christmas, I will have one heck of an Autumn! I love this time of year,
and have truly enjoyed taking Carson to Cornbelly's twice, and going for
a couple of drives through the Alpine Loop. I am anxious excited for
Halloween and for Carson's costume. He's gonna be Superman, wearing a
cape that his Oma made for his Uncle Chris when he was little. He looks
adorable in it! Next is getting the boys room all painted and ready
before I go in to the hospital. It's going to be so cute, if I can
actually do it. Scott is leaving on a few business trips this month, so I
am hoping all will be well without him, and I've just gotta stay busy
so I won't get too lonely. So that is basically what is new in our
little world, and I intend to keep y'all updated throughout the rest of
this pregnancy. Thank you for your prayers and support. It has meant
more than you could know, and I truly have felt the added strength and
blessings. </div>
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<br />Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-35611404921439598782012-09-05T15:36:00.001-06:002012-09-05T15:36:33.339-06:00An Overwhelming Response...<div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXnNHo2goGxl0dOKuht9RZUOwU_JIYTd4gLcSnDvvxexbZZYIiHjb44hKpy3Y411BslufxDjuPG-9JCYHxCq_FvYFOxg8K1rw8As0CBR4IIt_CvBEjKNxg-WwPqNTsqtGA69c-VYEUQLo/s1600/ray+of+sun.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXnNHo2goGxl0dOKuht9RZUOwU_JIYTd4gLcSnDvvxexbZZYIiHjb44hKpy3Y411BslufxDjuPG-9JCYHxCq_FvYFOxg8K1rw8As0CBR4IIt_CvBEjKNxg-WwPqNTsqtGA69c-VYEUQLo/s320/ray+of+sun.jpg" width="320" /></a>It's been 2 weeks since my confession, and from the day I posted that blog I was met with an overwhelming response. I received so many, many emails from people that are very close to me, but many people that I never thought would ever care to read what I post. I almost feel I have opened the flood gates to a whole slew of women (and also some men) that can relate, and are just as desperate as I am to find a solution to this nightmare they go through with so little help. I guess the most staggering result of writing this post was finding out just how NOT alone I am, and how many people I never would have thought would go through the same thing, actually have. In reading all of the stories and experiences, I have truly felt an immense sense of empathy, and a desire to seek out more information about this common struggle. I want to DO something about it. If I can help someone get through this kind of hell and not feel lost and helpless, then I've GOT to do it. </div>
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<br />The day I wrote that post, I kept feeling a prompting to write. When I finally sat down at the laptop, I knew that I was going to say everything I had kept inside of me for so long. I knew that some would not understand, but it felt right. I wasn't sure why at the time. But now I know that it was not only healing to me, but a way to open doors for healing in others. The support and love that I received was the greatest source of healing that I have yet to receive. Over the course of the next few days, I felt better than any pill, any therapy session, any walk, any time alone, any night of crying ever gave me. I felt strengthened, and loved. Another surprising effect was the immediate sense of wanting to serve others. Wanting to lift someone else and relieve their burdens. </div>
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When I acted on that, it I felt even better. I felt a strength to do it. Something I have never felt so strong before. I can't explain exactly, but I feel better. I know it's not over, but after months of complete and terrible darkness, of self-loathing and hatred and hopelessness, I have felt my first break in the clouds. The sun feels so good. I knew it still existed, but it was so hard to believe and hope in it when you are completely covered in blackness. Answers to prayers come in so many different and unexpected forms, and often not on our time table. We are faced with dark holes that seem to come out of nowhere; trials and tests that we sometimes look at and think that there is no possible way I could ever get through this. It breaks us down until we can barely breathe, starving for relief, for even a sliver of the sun. But this was MEANT to happen. We are MEANT to go through this. And even if it seems completely impossible and insurmountable, it is not. In order for us to learn, to become that stronger person, to build up a soul that can move mountains, we must be willing to endure through the pain. God needs to see if, in that moment of utter despair, we still seek after Him, that we don't give up. We seek for the sun, and not give in to the dark. This is how we become the spirits that can become Gods and Goddesses. This is a test of whether we really believe in eternity, in a life beyond this one. Because if we do, nothing, <span style="font-size: large;"><i>NOTHING</i></span> is impossible. We will have relief, and <span style="font-size: large;"><i>joy</i></span>. More joy then we could ever, <i><span style="font-size: large;">ever</span></i> imagine. It <i><span style="font-size: large;">is </span></i><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">possible. It will be worth it. Worth every single shred of pain and darkness. I can think of so many scriptures that concur with these words; many that I've read and heard a thousand times but am now starting to realize that they actually apply to <span style="font-size: large;"><i>me</i></span></span></span>, Latissa Marie. They are the answers for my life, not just the prophets of old. MINE! Wow. </div>
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I just want to say that I love you all so much. You have no idea the impact your words of support have meant to me. To those of you who have struggled with similar trials, I feel for you. I want to make a promise that I am starting something, something that I am not certain as yet how I am going about it, but I will find solutions. But the moist powerful solution I have yet to find is the knowledge that if I <i><span style="font-size: large;">endure</span></i><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">, no matter how impossible it seems at the time, if I <i><span style="font-size: large;">never </span></i>give up, HE will never give up on me. He won't leave me there forever. There will be a light, and I will come out stronger. What I have realized is that these words are just words until you truly figure them out for yourself. No one can figure it out for you. That is part of our test. I know that there will be many more days of dark, and many other different trials, but if I can just remember that this is only for a moment, then I will not only survive, but become closer to the Goddess I know I will be someday. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">PS: I intend to write back to each and every one of you who sent me responses. Thank you, thank you, again and again. </span></span>Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-10194219797087484142012-08-22T22:34:00.002-06:002012-08-22T22:34:42.096-06:00A very personal, private struggleI need to write. Some know, but many don't know of the struggle that I have gone through these past 4 months. In reality, all of 2012 has been an accumulation of so many trials and struggles, that at times it has been nearly more than I have literally been able to bear. I am thinking of a certain scripture that promises we will not be faced with any trial that is more than we are able to bear, but that doesn't mean you don't get crazy close. Too much happened all at once. Too much change and trial and difficulty. I have snapped many times, have broken in many places, feel too many cracks in my courage, in my drive, in my faith and perseverance. That's not to say my testimony has decreased. If anything, it has strengthened. I have felt the Lord's hand in all of this. I haven't been left alone. I've had so much support and love, more than enough. But no one can take away thoughts. No one can rescue me from myself. Jesus Christ of course knows exactly how I feel, and can strengthen me, but there is also a certain amount of free will. He can not force me to change my thoughts. He could take all my trials away if he wanted to, but he won't, because I wouldn't learn anything. So I know I must go on. But this brain...it has been a nightmare. I often feel trapped. No matter what I do, the voices in my head are there to tell me exactly what I am doing wrong, and where I fall short, and how pathetic and hopeless I am. I find myself wanting to scream. Scream louder than those voices. Movement often helps, music, distraction. But they never really go away, and sometimes nothing helps, and I'm drowning.<br />
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Please don't tell me I need therapy; I'm getting it. Or that I need medication; I'm on it, or rather on as much as I can be on while pregnant. You don't have many options when your body is connected to another. I have literally scaled the internet and picked doctors minds many times for an answer, for help, but I always seem to run into a big, fat wall. If you are pregnant, suck it up and deal with anything you are going through, because anything and everything will/could hurt the baby. Now there are things like, "Take a walk, get some fresh air, exercise, meditation etc..." but what if that's not enough? And furthermore, what if you are so sick, taking a walk sounds like torture and is downright impossible? WHAT ELSE is there? NOTHING. I have never wanted to go to medical school and into researching so bad as I have now. I would study pregnancy, and find and do legitimate studies on women who opt to take medication and provide accurate data on the effects on the fetus before, during and after birth. Right now, the few studies that have been attempted are inconclusive or illegitimate and flawed. They end up assuming and classifying just about every drug as a Category C, which is "We don't know so, just don't take it or something might maybe could happen." The studies they have done are deeply flawed. They will be doing a study on Ambien, and have women who are taking it join the study, but don't control anything else they take, or any other harmful habits they have ie smoking, drinking etc. So how can anyone know what really caused a problem when it could have been many different substances, or just coincidence? It's very frustrating, because I know I am not the only woman that has felt this way.<br />
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Most women don't go through major depression during pregnancy, but there are still a great many who do. And guess what, it's dangerous as hell. So then women are faced with either risking their life by not treating the depression with medication when nothing else works, or risking hurting their precious baby. Which is worse? When you are so low that you can barely take care of your kids that are already here, or be a decent wife, or even sleep or eat, and you've just about lost the will to live, what is more dangerous? And WHY, WHY oh WHY can't someone figure out some drug or supplement that ISN'T harmful? Why can't we get non-smoking, non-drinking women that are not on any other medication save one and do a study on those? Of course, these women would have already decided they were going to be on it. This would show a lot more accurate results, and I cannot think of a single reason why no one has figured this out.<br />
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Now, I need to explain something very, very important. I am unimaginably grateful that I am pregnant again. I am blessed beyond belief with an absolutely adorable son who is my little shadow and helper, who is so smart and quick to please, who has slept through the night since he was two months old and takes 2+ hour naps every day, who takes care of me when he knows I'm sick, and is just my best friend. I am so amazed that I get to be his mommy. He is always the solid reason I keep going. And this little life growing inside of me is already so loved. I can feel it's little spirit, and I know it is just so excited to come here.<br />
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I guess that is why I am so concerned about being enough. Being the best mommy my children deserves. But more so than that, I am concerned that they will see mommy depressed or anxious, and not know what to do. That they will feel insecure and worried. I am concerned that both might already feel that. But I know that I am literally doing my best. I just wish that I wouldn't fall so short so many times. I wish I could break through this wall that has formed.<br />
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In my entire life, I have never experienced anything like this. If you knew me when I was younger, even up till graduating high school, you would know that this isn't the real me. I had plenty of friends that struggled with depression all growing up, and I would feel so bad for them, and try to be there for them, but I never fully understood how they felt. I just didn't get it. But it's not like I didn't see it in my own family. Depression runs rampant in my family like a disease. Most of it has been discreetly hidden, and under the radar. But I have learned more and more through an adults eyes and as I have gone through my own what my family has gone through all this time. I remember my mother pulling me aside one day and trying to tell me that one day I may experience depression, and if I ever do that I should not just try and keep it quiet and not get any help. I remember looking at her and telling her to not worry; I am just not like that. I always loved the lime light. I never had social anxiety or depression. I was confident. I was free from that.<br />
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But slowly it changed. I started getting anxiety. I remember the first time it hit me. I was in a group of people, and the attention was all on me, and all of the sudden, for the first time in my life, I was anxious. I couldn't control it. I had to go in the bathroom and calm myself down. I didn't know what was happening to me. From that point on, it would hit at completely random times, sometimes out of nowhere, and sometimes physically incapacitating. I didn't understand what was happening to me. Then I got pregnant. The pregnancy was physically rough, but emotionally it wasn't anything abnormal, until I gave birth. Postpartum Depression hit me like a brick wall. It was so foreign, so scary, so NOT ME. I quickly went to the doctor and got on meds, and was able to control it. But I knew that the depression was still there, just subdued by the medication, ready to jump out in a moment of major stress.<br />
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With the desire to have another child, I slowly weened myself off of the anti depressants and anti anxiety meds, determined I was not going to use them while pregnant. I started taking this supplement, called Neuroreplete, to replace all of that. It helped. I was so happy. It worked even better than the drugs. I got pregnant, and immediately I knew something was wrong. 8 1/2 weeks into the pregnancy, I found out my baby had died at only 5 1/2 weeks, but hadn't miscarried yet. I had a D&C my birthday weekend, and with the up and down of all those hormones, and with lots of other added unrelated stress, I lost it.<br />
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Scott and I took an emergency trip to Oregon to heal. We came back and found out we had to be out of our apartment we had been in for 2 1/2 years in just a little over a month. We bought a house and moved in just 5 1/2 weeks later, and I got pregnant that month again. I just didn't have a chance. Too much change, too many hormones, too easy for the depression to sneak up. And it did, with a vengeance. Neuroreplete stopped working entirely. My sleeping pills stopped working. I turned into a person I don't even know. I was completely out of control, and it scared the hell out of me. I tried so hard not to go on meds. I remember the day I knew I couldn't go without it any longer, or I'd die. I went to the doc the very next day. I got a blessing and Scott and I prayed that we would know that we were making the right decision. I got on the meds, and I felt better in just 3 days, like my brain was literally starving for serotonin. I started taking Neuroreplete again and seeing a therapist, which has helped quite a bit, and with all of them, I have been able to function. It literally saved my life. But the anxiety will not go away.<br />
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This is a problem I wish I could solve, and I'm working on it daily. I have ideas of what the cause is, but I haven't been able to fix it. I have moments where I hate my house. I feel trapped, caged in. I get so sick of being home. My husband doesn't understand this. He can't imagine why I would hate being here. Four walls drive me nuts after awhile. I hate seeing everything I should be cleaning or fixing, everything that really needs to get done, but I don't/can't do it. It's overwhelming.<br />
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I am thinking this won't last forever. And I truly do love my life, my kids and my husband. I am perfectly aware of how blessed my life is, and I guess that is the most frustrating part. With everything I have, With all the love and blessings and people I share this life with, why on EARTH would I be depressed/anxious?! WHY? It makes no logical sense. <br />
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I know all of this was deeply personal. I know that some may not want to know this or shy away from it because they don't know how to respond or how to help, and that is just fine. I have wanted to keep this away, but I guess this is a personal cry for help from anyone who has gone through something similar, but also I believe it helps so much to read about other peoples difficulties, knowing you are not the only one, and if I can help someone know that, then this is worth it. I hate feeling alone.<br />
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Note to reader: I do not always feel like this. I have lots of really good days too. And I cherish those days.Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-77451179291419774242012-04-13T14:43:00.005-06:002012-04-13T15:31:56.454-06:00Life is all about how you handle Plan BPlan A is always my first choice...the one where everything works out. But more often than not, I find myself dealing with the upside-down, inside-out version where nothing goes as it should.<br /><br />This is where the real test of my character comes in. Do I sink or do I swim? Do I wallow in self-pity or simply shift gears and make the best of the situation? The choice is mine. After all...life is all about how you handle Plan B.<br />- Suzy Toronto<br /><br />I found this quote in a gift shop in Oregon last week. It hit me pretty hard. I knew that this quote was speaking directly to me, and that I was supposed to find it. After all, Plan B was what got me to Oregon in the first place. Life seems to hit you with situations that you never thought you would personally have to go through. You see others going through the same thing, but you hope and pray that you will not have that particular challenge. At least, that's how I have thought.<br /><br />A little over two weeks ago, I went to see my doctor for unrelated issues to the pregnancy. I was 8 1/2 weeks along, and asked out of curiosity if he would be able to hear my baby's heart beat by now. He said they could give it a go, and when we got to talking I mentioned to him that I was feeling quite sick in the previous weeks, but that most of it had passed lately. He got that look on his face; the one when doctors are trying to keep a straight, nothing-is-wrong face, but I knew he was a little concerned. When we couldn't find the heart beat on the regular monitor, we decided to have an ultra sound. When he saw the baby, the teeny tiny sack, he measured it to be about 5 1/2 weeks along...and there was no heart beat. My heart sank, but it didn't feel real. This wasn't really happening, I must be dreaming. A miscarriage? Me? But... I thought that didn't happen, shouldn't happen, wouldn't happen to me. Tears didn't come yet, I was still in shock, still in denial of the whole thing. Why didn't I have Scott come with me today? No, this wasn't really happening. Then the doctor was going on about guilt and how I shouldn't feel it, and that miscarriages are very common, and chromosomal issues, and how my body knew what it was doing, and then something about calling my husband for support...<br /><br />The tears came. I knew it was real. The fact is, I knew it, from the moment I found out i was pregnant. I knew, somehow, that there was something wrong. I feared a miscarriage from the very beginning, where as with Carson, it never even crossed my mind. I knew he would be healthy. I was just a knowledge I possessed. But something was wrong this time, and although it hurt, more than I ever thought it would, I knew this would happen.<br /><br />The strange thing is, I felt bad for telling everyone I was pregnant, for announcing it on facebook. I knew I'd have to tell everyone, and I almost felt guilty, like I had somehow let everyone down. I thought it would be so hard to tell everyone, but it ended up helping me more than I thought. It helped to hear how many people have gone through the same thing, and still ended up having healthy pregnancies after. That was my biggest scare. It was hard not to worry when I knew it took us 5 months to conceive, only to have a miscarriage, where as with Carson, we barely had to try and he was there. But with a Priesthood blessing, I knew I'd be ok. I knew I'd have more children, but I knew I had to be patient, and I knew I HAD to learn something; that Heavenly Father was trying to teach me something.<br /><br />The next few days were a roller coaster. With it being my birthday weekend, and conference, I tried to make the most of it, and try to enjoy some time with friends. I chose to get a D and C done, because I couldn't emotionally handle not knowing when I would eventually miscarry the baby. My levels were still so high, and decreasing so slowly, the doctor said it could take weeks, and then a couple more weeks to recover. I needed to just let this be over, and get my body healing as quick as possible. I didn't want to post-pone trying again for an extra month or two. It was still a very emotional process, and by Sunday night, my birthday, I couldn't cope. Scott and I decided to take an emergency trip to Oregon, our honeymoon spot, to heal. We hadn't been back in 4 1/2 years, and we both just felt we needed it, pronto. With the graciousness of our parents, we were able to leave Carson for a week, and spend some much-needed alone time to heal and hold on to each other. It was exactly what we both needed, and I'm so grateful we were able to do it.<br /><br />That quote was a turning point for me. It hit me like a brick wall that I am and have always been bad at handing Plan B. This is my greatest weakness. I knew that this was a chance for me to be aware of it, and to change. Since then, I have been trying oh so hard to think of this, even when little things go wrong, so that I can remember that this IS a test of my true character, and what do I want my true character to be? How do I want to affect people around me when my life is falling apart? What kind of example do I want to be? These are questions I will be asking myself for the rest of my life. But who doesn't need to think of this from time to time? Life is hard sometimes, really hard, but it's never impossible. Especially when we lean on out Heavenly Father, and realize that we do not have to do it alone. We do not have to take on the burden and hurt and pain all by ourselves. Christ already did that for us. Not only did he feel our sins, he felt our pain; physical, spiritual and emotional. He knows exactly how we feel, and he's only waiting for us to realize that it's ok to lean on him. That we were never meant to go down this road alone. He sends his love and support through those around us as well, and I have felt so much of that love all around me. I am blessed to have my families, friends, visiting teachers, neighbors, etc. I have some of the best, I am certain of that. I can only hope that I can be His Hands as well, and help those around me that need Him. I know that life will get better. The rain never stays. We will see the sun again, shining and happy and blessed. We only have to have faith to live, to get to that point, even if it means all we can do is hang on to Him.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPj9yhC9NIyYtlS5RupnIYsVmR2zd2-P7RR_MQhSa5c5ZmZ75dMda5-ZWmidBQ2SvwTyaosH1cMewe5T-q0-Rsyy_W7lAsIhM7zRhZXmU0aeTRLNOlKxr1gARwjf4mYSoXC4K6dUyo7uY/s1600/467439_10151488426665593_581670592_23583386_499784251_o.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPj9yhC9NIyYtlS5RupnIYsVmR2zd2-P7RR_MQhSa5c5ZmZ75dMda5-ZWmidBQ2SvwTyaosH1cMewe5T-q0-Rsyy_W7lAsIhM7zRhZXmU0aeTRLNOlKxr1gARwjf4mYSoXC4K6dUyo7uY/s400/467439_10151488426665593_581670592_23583386_499784251_o.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5731000875630065554" border="0" /></a>Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-57243355857992884622012-03-28T03:40:00.001-06:002012-03-28T04:01:26.177-06:00Carson's lullaby<div><p>Someday, <br>
When I'm awfully low, <br>
And the world is cold, <br>
I will feel a glow,<br>
Just thinking of you,<br>
And the way you look, tonight.</p>
<p>Oh but you're lovely,<br>
With your smile so warm,<br>
and your cheeks so soft, <br>
There is nothing for me, <br>
But to love you,<br>
And the way you look tonight.</p>
<p>With each word, your <br>
Tenderness grows, <br>
Tearing my fears, apart,<br>
and that laugh, that wrinkles your nose, <br>
Touches my foolish heart.</p>
<p>Lovely, never ever change, <br>
Keep that breathless charm,<br>
won't you please arrange it, <br>
Cause I love you, and the way you look tonight.<br>
Just the way you look, tonight...</p>
</div>Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com0Healing Power of Touch, 428 Eastview Drive, Alpine40.463406 -111.77058tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-43760866275392376692012-02-28T20:58:00.006-07:002012-02-28T21:39:57.000-07:00Ancient Chinese chart says it's a...<div style="text-align: center;">On Friday I was in the bathroom, ready to take a pregnancy test that I knew would just turn out negative, but the lack of patience and force of habit to not wait for my period to start pushed me to do it. You see, we had been trying for 5 months without any luck. This was unusual in comparison to the last time. We tried for 2 months and poof there was Carson! Easy as pie. So this second time around, I figured it would be just as easy. After 4 months of trying, I started getting a little anxious. After reading about IUD's and how they can create scar tissue and make it hard to conceive, I was terrified I had done that to myself. I had no idea IUD's could do that. So I prayed and hoped that everything was fine. So by the 5th month, I told myself I would get the ovulation pack at Wal Mart the next month if it didn't work out this month. I was prepared to see the "not pregnant" sign, when I looked down and saw one word, PREGNANT. Scott was in the shower when he heard me yell, "WHAT?!" He immediately wondered what the heck was wrong. All I could do was hand him the test. His delayed response was, "Really? I mean, is it right? Wow! Again, huh? Are you sure you're ready hun? Sweet!!" I just started laughing. It was an awesome start to the morning.<br /><br />Ever since then, I have kinda been in a daze, wondering if it's really real. I mean, I took another test later that day just to see if it would show the same result. Yep, pregnant. I was so thrilled, I even went to the Women's Clinic that day to have the registration appointment where they take your blood and get you all set up. Just 4 weeks along, but I was ready to get the ball rolling! Now I have to wait till April 5th for my first OB appointment to hear the heart beat and such. It seems like such a long ways away. I know I have done this before, but this time none of it feels real. I haven't had morning sickness yet, but I am betting it's just a week away. Time seemed to be going so fast, but now, everything has slowed down. My mind is filled with a million thoughts on what to expect with this new baby. I have realized the dynamics of having one child. I know Carson and his schedule and I have come to expect a certain rhythm with him. What will adding a newborn do to that rhythm? Random questions pop into my head like, "What do I do if Carson is getting into something he shouldn't while I'm nursing? How will I ever get any sleep if I can't sleep when the baby sleeps because Carson is awake? How do I run after a toddler in the store if I'm carrying a baby too? Oh man, so many, many questions. But I know it will all work itself out. I know I will change and adjust, but it all seems so daunting to me. I am not known for dealing with change well. But with a blessing to help ease my anxieties, I feel better. I know that the Lord will be by my side, helping me through all my struggles. I am so grateful I have another little blessing growing inside of me. And no matter how sick I may get again, I know all of it will be worth it in the end.<br /><br />While looking through the welcome packet I got from the doctor's office, there were many brochures and handouts, one of which was an Ancient Chinese Birth Gender Chart. It claims to have 90% accuracy in predicting the baby's gender according to the month you conceived and the age of the mother in that month. I just laughed when I saw it, but curiosity got the best of me, so I looked to see if they got Carson's gender correct. Yep, male. Interested, I checked a bunch of known genders, like mine, and Scott's and friends that knew what they were having, and they were ALL correct. What is this? Totally weirded out! So, checking my month, and age, the results for this pregnancy show that...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6ibE27aD-SDLbuSxIq5HPIZnqzmKLQqb919zKTNXuyoJRpwQXF5d1O_ZI28PWhxXfMe3-qoOJl-yler4IZh0jl3W8Ow8tE5zsUKDBZ72HvgiMbsyHGMnZlx0d0vUBKJe7mzpjIowuX5s/s1600/images.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 229px; height: 220px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6ibE27aD-SDLbuSxIq5HPIZnqzmKLQqb919zKTNXuyoJRpwQXF5d1O_ZI28PWhxXfMe3-qoOJl-yler4IZh0jl3W8Ow8tE5zsUKDBZ72HvgiMbsyHGMnZlx0d0vUBKJe7mzpjIowuX5s/s400/images.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5714411408646484530" border="0" /></a></div><br />With 3 grand baby boys in my family, a girl would be a sweet addition! But honestly, I'd be perfectly happy with either. Guess we'll find out in a few months!Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-30817755707893182152012-01-18T16:53:00.004-07:002012-01-18T17:59:00.379-07:00The Silver LiningSo, January honestly has not been the best month so far. Far too much has happened in just 2 weeks. I found myself feeling pretty overwhelmed today, with all of the misfortunes and trials we have faced so close together. It is easy to feel that someone is after us, or something. But a thought occurred to me today. Despite all these horrible trials, the best possible outcome has occurred.<br /><br />Starting with the burglary exactly 2 weeks ago, although we feel so incredibly horrible that the Edwards upstairs were robbed, we are so grateful that they weren't home, and no one was harmed, and are so lucky that he did not decide to come downstairs, into our part of the home. It could have been so much more frightening and a lot worse of an outcome. Also, the neighbors were also robbed, but not one person was harmed. This is truly a blessing.<br /><br />My brother Landon ended up in the ER the following Friday night due to overdose of Heroine. He arrived at the hospital completely unconscious and not breathing. He had been without oxygen for too long, and the doctors were afraid it was too late to save him, and even if they did stabilize him, his brain would probably have suffered damage due to the lack of oxygen, and he could end up a vegetable or have some sort of mental incapacitates. I got the phone call at 12:30 am, just as I had taken a sleeping pill. My heart sank as I listened to my mother tell me what was happening, and that I needed to get to the hospital asap, as we did not know if Landon would make it. Scott called his brother to come over and be here for Carson, so that we could go together. We rushed there, and it was all a haze. I remember seeing my brother, hooked up to all sorts of tubes, many doctors and nurses racing around him. I was in shock. There was a cop in a separate room talking with Landon's so called "friends" about what had happened, but of course he was not getting a straight story. I remember thinking that if I was not drugged at the moment, nothing would have stopped me from beating the hell out of all them, regardless of whose fault it was. We were sent to a waiting room, and Landon was stabilized, and transferred to the ICU. When I was able to go in and see him, I remember whispering in his ear, begging him to make it. Asking him if he could hear me, pleading with him to squeeze my hand. I didn't want to believe that it was possible to lose him. Stuff like this happens to other people. Not your family. I kept wishing I wasn't so drugged, so I could focus, and do something. As I walked back to the waiting room, I saw his "friends", sitting outside, pathetic faces, fake with concern. I hated them. I hated their presence. What right did they have to be here? They had the NERVE to stick around, with his family that was hurting, hurting SO DEEPLY, because of their influence. If looks could kill, they would have been dead, but not before being tortured. Looking back, it was again, a blessing that I was drugged, or I probably would have been escorted from the hospital. Later I came to find out, that the three on the right were Landon's heroes, that brought him to the hospital. The one on the left however, Landon's "best friend," was the one who dealt him the drug, and was too scared to call 911 to save his friend, because then they would find the drugs, and he would be nailed. It was because of him that Landon almost died. That coward. He had to call someone else to drive there, pick Landon up, and take him in, which wasted precious minutes. He almost killed him. My mother found out it was him, and has proof from a text message. He ran away quickly when he found that out. I hope I never see his face again.<br /><br />The next day, Landon woke up. He was coherent, and acting normal, besides feeling horrible. He was diagnosed with pneumonia, and was not breathing well, and coughing up blood. He would need to be in the hospital for awhile longer, but he suffered no brain damage. We were all so grateful. Landon was pretty shaken up about it. He was in shock, not believing that he almost died. The first thing I asked him when he woke, was "Why? Did you do this on purpose? Were you trying to die?" Thankfully, he wasn't suicidal. He had no idea this would happen. We had a long conversation, and I know he realized that what he did was completely stupid. I know it scared the crap out of him. I told him that every time you do something like this, you are risking your life. Drugs on the street are often laced with other drugs, and their potency can vary from dealer to dealer, so you may think you are getting a certain drug and amount, but it could be completely wrong. They aren't clean, and from a doctor that cares for your well-being. These people care less about your life. They just want your money.<br /><br />Over the next few days, Landon was visited by many friends, family, and ward members. I think it really overwhelmed him at how many people truly care for Landon, and how many people he scared and hurt by his actions. He continued to improve, and was released a week ago from the hospital, and has been making every effort to fix his life, and cooperate with the police, and stay away from all the bad people in his life. I pray every night that he will know how very much he is loved, and that he will know his worth, and that he will realize that this life is a gift, and he has so much more potential. So despite this horrible event, the silver lining is that I didn't lose my brother, that the best possible outcome came to past, that he is not disabled, or scarred. He has a second chance, and I am overwhelmingly grateful for this.<br /><br />Lastly, last night was another nightmare. I have suffered my whole life with sleeping, and have been off and on medications to help me sleep. I have recently tried to stop taking Ambien, and switch to a safer drug for pregnancy, because we have been trying to conceive as of the last few months. I took the new drug last night, at about 3:30 am after not having any luck sleeping. A few minutes later, I started to feel like my breathing was becoming quite difficult, and my heart was starting to race. I decided to get out of bed because I didn't want to wake Scott. On my way to the living room, my heart started racing very fast, and I could hardly breathe. I was incredibly dizzy, and my vision was blurred. I sat down on the couch and then realized i was very nauseous, so I stumbled to the bathroom and stubbed my toe really hard, almost falling every step. I made it to the bathroom, and immediately felt that I was going to lose conciousness. I sat down on the bathroom floor, head between my legs, ears ringing, and could hardly breathe. I knew I should call for Scott, but I was terrified i was going to pass out if I didn't focus all my energies on staying concious. I prayed a million times, and recited children's hymns in my head to make myself focus. I was so terryfied that this was it, that Scott would find me on the bathroom floor, dead the next morning. That I would never see my baby again, that this wasn't fair, that I wasn't ready for this. After about 30 minutes, I started to feel like the worst was over. I stumbled to the living room agian, and looked up adverse side effects, and allergic reations to the drug. Turns out, I had all the symptoms of a very rare and sometimes fatal condition caused by the drug, called QT prolongation. I crawled back in bed, even though I should have woken Scott. After a few hours Scott woke up and I told him what happened. I just started bawling, so grateful I didn't die. I felt so horrible though, still recovering from the effects. Scott was just upset I didn't wake him. I don't really know what I was thinking. I have not felt great today, and am seeing the doctor tomorrow to discuss what happened, but the silver lining is that I didn't die, that I am here today. I know that prayer got me through that ordeal, and that it wasn't my time to go.<br /><br />Although it seems that me and my family have gone through so much, and it's easy to let it depress you, and feel that you are being picked on, that life is too hard sometimes, the one thing that makes it possible to get through anything, is our Heavenly Father's love. No matter what trial we are presented with, no matter how hopeless it may seem, He is there, waiting to comfort, waiting for you to accept the atonement, and the fact that he knows exactly what you are going through, and knows EXACTLY how you feel. He will never desert you. He will never leave you, even in your darkest hour. He always gives you a way to find peace, and hope, and forgiveness. He will always send you help. And even though the past two weeks have been rough, I can see the silver lining in all those events. I have felt His love, and His strength, and he has been there through it all. I don't think I would have been able to feel so much comfort if I didn't have this knowledge, and the peacefulness that the scriptures and Priesthood blessings, and prayers from so many brings me. I want to thank each and every one of you who have been a support and given your prayers to all of us. We truly are SO blessed, and I am just grateful. I know that life is sometimes hard, and some things seems impossible to overcome, but He does and will, ALWAYS provide a way.<br /><br />Here's to a better February....Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-45547794731122260692012-01-01T13:20:00.004-07:002012-01-01T13:43:57.321-07:00What a wonderful season of Joy<div style="text-align: center;">What the tree looked like before Carson came in.<br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0Lmytp3l2vZJJEmVk2tQp4FPOxzDXMalIuloR_AlJ9dYDsF1r275kBL2B-6NAV3sMmPehbjVOJ83Fs9tOLI95jRgW_5M8r38mVx80B94XSRdwYafO7XiXz8PqkGjlvSJrl-dZ9K6ZKCo/s1600/2011-12-24+09.20.25.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0Lmytp3l2vZJJEmVk2tQp4FPOxzDXMalIuloR_AlJ9dYDsF1r275kBL2B-6NAV3sMmPehbjVOJ83Fs9tOLI95jRgW_5M8r38mVx80B94XSRdwYafO7XiXz8PqkGjlvSJrl-dZ9K6ZKCo/s400/2011-12-24+09.20.25.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5692766578800593218" border="0" /></a><br />Christmas came and went so fast, but I loved every second. Carson had such a blast opening all his gifts. We chose to open presents on Christmas Eve morning, since Christmas was on Sunday, and Elder James would be calling at 8 am, with church following directly after and parties throughout the day. It was so nice, because we were in no rush and had my parents and brother and sister over to watch Carson. He's still too young to understand who Santa is, but he caught onto opening the presents and knowing that there was something fun waiting for him underneath real quick. The cute little boy was overwhemled I think, by so many fun things to play with at the same time. He was just in awe! It was so darling. My parents gave him a tent with a tunnel, and that was definitely a big hit this year! he was so spoiled, and now we have to purchase some toy bins and figure out how to organize everything, because right now his room is a complete mess. Christmas is so much more fun when you have a child. The magic comes back to life :)<br /><br />We were especially blessed this year to have our extended family in town. My Dad's siblings have always lived here in Utah, and we have been accustomed to seeing them at least monthly for family parties and other events for my whole life. But in June/July, they all ended up having to move, one to Texas and the other to Indiana, and have left a huge hole in our lives. It has been very hard and sad to not see them so often, but they were both able to come and stay with my parents for Christmas break. It was so emotional to have everyone together again on Christmas Eve, doing our cherished traditions and gathering together. I think I had tears streaming down my face 3 different times throughout the night, and I know I wasn't the only one. And on top of that, my mother's brother, who has been estranged from the family for 8 or 9 years, has recently come back into our lives, which we never ever thought would happen. He was also there for all our celebrations and get togethers, and I know that added to the emotions of gratefulness and love that was shared so strongly this Christmas. I remember looking around the room, and seeing every one, and feeling so incredibly blessed that we all have each other. We only wished we could have my Uncle Richard and Aunt Natasha and their girls from Hawaii, and then we would have been complete. My Grammie's presence was felt very strongly in the room that night as well, and we all missed her so much. But we know she is our guardian angel in Heaven, and we can't wait to see her again someday. I love this time of year, and feel so fortunate and blessed to be with all those I love and to have everything and everyone I have. I hope all of you had a blessed Christmas as well, and keep all these blessings and love in our hearts.Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-90537887938740145232012-01-01T13:00:00.004-07:002012-01-01T13:18:41.813-07:00I blinked, and a new year came<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEsAqJx1EhB_kSHwjmTeP8nBYWEEwi9EF17qKkqphnn6jjktrma7eVuQLHTn_iwGQ-ddopd6vR4pFE3w6fhtZrC8BN37z_NfUocPUuqZ_q0_nxwkKs9vgUcuERZqjSy1z5wdqEZjfS2hs/s1600/cropped.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 379px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEsAqJx1EhB_kSHwjmTeP8nBYWEEwi9EF17qKkqphnn6jjktrma7eVuQLHTn_iwGQ-ddopd6vR4pFE3w6fhtZrC8BN37z_NfUocPUuqZ_q0_nxwkKs9vgUcuERZqjSy1z5wdqEZjfS2hs/s400/cropped.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5692759975727567986" border="0" /></a><br />I really don't understand how time can just fly by without barely a breath taken. I sometimes wish I could pack my family up and move to a place in the middle of nowhere, nestled in some forest, away from every little thing that speeds time up so fast. No media, no television, no electronics, not even a clock. Tucked away, unbothered from the demands that we subject ourselves to every day. Can't we live a simple life, that is slow, and focused on the here and now, never pushing for the latest and greatest, the most up to date time waster? I wish I could capture how it feels to go camping, in the silence and the peacefulness of the mountains. Maybe someday, over-the-rainbow...<br /><br />But for now, maybe it is time to try and do the best I can. Turn Barney off and go explore outside with my toddler. Give facebook a rest, and read some real books, stop making every excuse known to man of why I am not reading my scriptures, and saying personal prayers, and just do it. Go to the temple instead of that movie. Spend time teaching my son, and playing with him more, instead of making sure the house is perfect. All these things are so simple, and yet so difficult to remember. It's like we forget that there is any other way to function but to move and do and go and have and get. Time becomes more and more precious to me as I watch my little baby grow into a boy. It breaks my heart to know that I will never get that time back again, and he will be gone, out of my arms, before I have a chance to really, truly enjoy those kisses, those pleading eyes that want a book read to him, that just want to play and explore, to cuddle, to <span style="font-style: italic;">want </span>to be with me. I know he will grow up, and not need me as much as he does now. So I've got to <span style="font-style: italic;">SLOW DOWN</span>, and savor <span style="font-style: italic;">EVERY SECOND, </span>because it will be gone, in a blink of an eye...<br /><br />If there are any real resolutions I have for this year, anything meaningful, and worth giving it my best, it is for me to <span style="font-style: italic;">SAVOR</span>, and slow down. My baby is 19 months, and I can't bare to miss a single thing.Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-1030079437406308242011-11-01T12:38:00.011-06:002011-11-01T13:41:28.796-06:00This is Halloween<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHAKSOIVoXnIuTasJtaFRzHP9Y1CgkG8GMrzlMwVyoDmcXREsTnfZY3kh6n13j_PWvdd2eHfWrtGOjDWUTY_S578aciLXthyphenhyphenOX6u4h2RYTGpEZKG2q237Iq7eIp6odH1UVEsxX2M97_CI/s1600/2011-11-01+12.39.38.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHAKSOIVoXnIuTasJtaFRzHP9Y1CgkG8GMrzlMwVyoDmcXREsTnfZY3kh6n13j_PWvdd2eHfWrtGOjDWUTY_S578aciLXthyphenhyphenOX6u4h2RYTGpEZKG2q237Iq7eIp6odH1UVEsxX2M97_CI/s400/2011-11-01+12.39.38.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5670114773441155458" border="0" /></a><br />OK, I really have failed in the blogging world. I fail in the journal world as well. I go through phases for some reason. I guess it's the same with my poetry writing as well. It's either a downpour or drought. But, as an early new years resolution, I am going to write, and keep up on this blog, even if it's the only journal I do.<br /><br />So, since my last post, Carson has grown up considerably. Before my very eyes, I have watched him transform from a baby to a toddler. He plays pretend! I bought him these baby pumpkins at the grocery store, and he just loves to take them everywhere and make them dance and he even created a slide for them to go down. He is so creative, just like his daddy.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaWdcshbwsumg4NoJCM-MMexUOZkVVeE8bEjxmj4vf4KgE0dDAwHmNkZT8jddPTKKT7SSMNie2Qrjwb_9dSn4a2t8a-SA6RxgEJ-sRC8rLU4Lg35ncGgw3XZlcN6VJOXLmgpGWeYUZqwI/s1600/324170_10150916829345593_581670592_21455507_598905639_o.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaWdcshbwsumg4NoJCM-MMexUOZkVVeE8bEjxmj4vf4KgE0dDAwHmNkZT8jddPTKKT7SSMNie2Qrjwb_9dSn4a2t8a-SA6RxgEJ-sRC8rLU4Lg35ncGgw3XZlcN6VJOXLmgpGWeYUZqwI/s200/324170_10150916829345593_581670592_21455507_598905639_o.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5670102582062903314" border="0" /></a>He's also learning how to feed himself, and this has caused quite a lot of frustration for the both of us. He wants to do it without any help, but mommy hates the mess, and knows he doesn't get much in his mouth, so it's always a challenge at meal time. I sometimes wonder if he even eats anything. I'm betting this might be because his eye teeth are coming in. Teething is so hard. But, again, I know it's just a phase.<br /><br />This last week was the death of the 2nd nap. Mom fought for it's life tooth and nail, but reluctantly lost the war. Now we're lucky if we get an hour and a half. I sure hope this is also a phase, but I doubt it. At least he is still my perfect sleeper at night. 12 hours straight every night, unless he's sick. THANK HEAVENS!!<br /><br />Halloween sure sneaked up on us this year. We celebrated earlier in the month by going to The Off Broadway theater in SLC with the Engebretsen's to see Dracula vs. Jekyll and Hyde, which was quite funny and entertaining. We also got to see some gorgeous fall colors up the canyon on the Alpine loop,<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6ueQezi3OzQ9l_-RUpjQoSOX3gOC0ZnI50JzjkSMKAqUxfrym_q1NlWgB-eiv3ksMlDDsRemUj5csCMuK1VwCxH4-OtiBzaSyhji_F85oznpSvA5Z7DL936V-w5XunoTKZEA0SaMLmdQ/s1600/2011-10-16+18.09.01.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6ueQezi3OzQ9l_-RUpjQoSOX3gOC0ZnI50JzjkSMKAqUxfrym_q1NlWgB-eiv3ksMlDDsRemUj5csCMuK1VwCxH4-OtiBzaSyhji_F85oznpSvA5Z7DL936V-w5XunoTKZEA0SaMLmdQ/s320/2011-10-16+18.09.01.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5670106898557931026" border="0" /></a> which was the very first time Carson sat forward facing in his car seat. He was just in AWE at everything he could see out the front window. He kept pointing and saying "That!" and "Oh!" around every turn. He's happy he's a big boy now.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRb6hprOy-JNfs4Gvp5VHn2tWtCMF3lKevtsTfZ5-DHoDaIbnJhvlEopUhOPedvSJKxqWkHGbjIo8M9BfKN7yKOSv7JmRG7zB9JErp-aBxW4l63OVcCBEp6rnLVggYsQJlrHYDGqEHTpM/s1600/2011-10-16+18.47.03.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRb6hprOy-JNfs4Gvp5VHn2tWtCMF3lKevtsTfZ5-DHoDaIbnJhvlEopUhOPedvSJKxqWkHGbjIo8M9BfKN7yKOSv7JmRG7zB9JErp-aBxW4l63OVcCBEp6rnLVggYsQJlrHYDGqEHTpM/s320/2011-10-16+18.47.03.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5670106381269182706" border="0" /></a>We took him to Cornbelly's at Thanksgiving point and it just wasn't his day. He was cranky for most of it, and not cooperative for family pictures, so it mostly didn't work out. Although he loved this corn pit they had for the babies.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4WJYdp7XmVxgIv1_wmdLz_DPFmLBy9thZLw3qcB4Ald3-ndWZzBZhaRuAASeRBgqf27gJnGqGce-omr8uV4IRZJEpjy7_OT9NhXYNBBzK5gBfNxTtjxD_FkETiC6MZOCI77x3UmJT22A/s1600/2011-10-29+17.52.57.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4WJYdp7XmVxgIv1_wmdLz_DPFmLBy9thZLw3qcB4Ald3-ndWZzBZhaRuAASeRBgqf27gJnGqGce-omr8uV4IRZJEpjy7_OT9NhXYNBBzK5gBfNxTtjxD_FkETiC6MZOCI77x3UmJT22A/s320/2011-10-29+17.52.57.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5670111935849508242" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMn3mLSSayjciMUDurue_9tfeOquUrQAI0xpUH89VtKR4qMnEqF44ghDfsJj41EA1CXNutaWMxcEkhJ14Jv2olpmyd_ewByYzmFjis5IaNVdFJvf0gHPodeJCplU7lZo_vmUyHX1yco_8/s1600/2011-10-31+12.31.43.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMn3mLSSayjciMUDurue_9tfeOquUrQAI0xpUH89VtKR4qMnEqF44ghDfsJj41EA1CXNutaWMxcEkhJ14Jv2olpmyd_ewByYzmFjis5IaNVdFJvf0gHPodeJCplU7lZo_vmUyHX1yco_8/s320/2011-10-31+12.31.43.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5670112402504493986" border="0" /></a>We've been reading this book that talks all about Halloween and he just loved the pumpkins. He can't get enough of them. And when I bought him his pumpkin for his candy, and he realized you could put stuff <span style="font-style: italic;">in<span style="font-style: italic;"> it! </span></span>Oh he was thrilled! I've been putting snacks and surprises in it for awhile so he would be prepared for trick or treating. And I think it worked. He was thrilled when we went trick or treating last night and he discovered treats in his pumpkin. He got tired of it pretty quick, but it was cute while it lasted :)<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM1SXED0LOBCuhTtLrx3inoP_7Kt5yfDsnaVSztx_hnfdpY5_HalFDKJoprb4uuVAJvse68GTZ7xYdORj2RMyMorqE9rBL5VWvDg3qtJVRWuvK99WR8W6ugjke89YPUoB8EKMvqKohYRY/s1600/2011-10-31+19.36.05.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM1SXED0LOBCuhTtLrx3inoP_7Kt5yfDsnaVSztx_hnfdpY5_HalFDKJoprb4uuVAJvse68GTZ7xYdORj2RMyMorqE9rBL5VWvDg3qtJVRWuvK99WR8W6ugjke89YPUoB8EKMvqKohYRY/s320/2011-10-31+19.36.05.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5670112924842656354" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFqxrskTL_eyGB073K5CbtRi-fWBLueS_3mry2uNYBUd-uM24ER7Qf7BSuO8Ro6Zs7usl3Ap0bYpCBI3NzrOJF2AKI2dcMaLgSH-biMOODHQsfOl_6nsMl2i02KXXWPG_Sq3BVcUKKrAg/s1600/2011-10-31+18.34.13.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFqxrskTL_eyGB073K5CbtRi-fWBLueS_3mry2uNYBUd-uM24ER7Qf7BSuO8Ro6Zs7usl3Ap0bYpCBI3NzrOJF2AKI2dcMaLgSH-biMOODHQsfOl_6nsMl2i02KXXWPG_Sq3BVcUKKrAg/s320/2011-10-31+18.34.13.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5670112840415698162" border="0" /></a>After eating a yummy cheese soup and wassail, we finally got around to carving our pumpkins at 9 pm on Halloween. Pretty dang last minute, but we did it, while watching Michael Jackson's Thriller. It turned out to be a great Halloween night, and I am now looking forward to the holiday season. I felt like we were a month too early, but I think I'm ready now. I just can't believe how much my little one is changing and growing right before my eyes. Sometimes when I am rocking him to sleep at night, and he is quite and sleepy in my arms, I realize I miss my baby. I just don't want him to grow up anymore. I cherish the hugs and kisses and cuddles, and I just never want him to grow out of sharing them with me. Is that too much to ask?Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-31549479510258345382011-06-18T21:13:00.003-06:002011-06-18T21:45:19.666-06:00My Garden of Eden<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXKBZF05WL-yD1Je52One0UJhlh310UuaiWqAvGRxGZ1MNJlEORKlCKhPRijRovt6cwkJc-o4_P7X0MP8vePzwirhG9fQ4kKYk_LE6OPoxs6NkmtfkR612nu-P83Sap85wd5wRcdCT7CU/s1600/Alpine+Mountains.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXKBZF05WL-yD1Je52One0UJhlh310UuaiWqAvGRxGZ1MNJlEORKlCKhPRijRovt6cwkJc-o4_P7X0MP8vePzwirhG9fQ4kKYk_LE6OPoxs6NkmtfkR612nu-P83Sap85wd5wRcdCT7CU/s400/Alpine+Mountains.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5619771865506556162" border="0" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: center; font-family: trebuchet ms;">Scott and I took a drive today, with Carson and Syd in tow. We were looking for yard sales, but after a couple of unfortunate-looking ones, we ended up just driving in Alpine. We drove on some hidden roads that lead to breathtaking views of the gorgeous mountains we are surrounded by. Beautiful trees, hills full of wildflowers, birds singing and the sun cascading over the green was more than enough for me to absolve to never move. This place we live, this little crevice of heaven, our own Garden of Eden, is all I could ever need. So peaceful, so calm, so serene, so sacred. I am overwhelmed with emotion when I see just how blessed I really am in my life to have the privilege of living here, with my family, and all I'll ever need. I informed Scott that I have no intention to ever leave, and will rent for 10 years if I have to and save enough so we can buy a house here. It doesn't have to be a big house, or even semi-large. I am fine with a cottage; a place tucked away in these hills, that sing. I feel like Julie Andrews from The Sound of Music. And luckily, my husband feels the same way. After traveling all over Idaho, and seeing the Grand Tetons in Wyoming, and the majestic red rock of St. George, I have realized that although they are beautiful, and I enjoy visiting, I believe these mountains of mine are superior, and more beautiful than any I've seen. I will travel the world, and take in it's infinite beauties, but I will come home, and be content and blissfully happy with my piece of heaven, Alpine, Utah, my home.<br /></div>Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-57554380923962032642011-05-13T16:23:00.003-06:002011-05-13T16:58:40.242-06:00All before a year<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtuvvGIm0hHi6-RX8-RhQQgnIeh9u-L3iFw5AxYsQ2snhRQZsNPhWXK1BSgWjh78HG-C5b99aV89PX9AQYjZA-GkdGYP3ZBOAMp5St6uOZPGKUoMkSC5ZLbLXnyEoX21KyLcjQeN_hO6k/s1600/204478_10150567044285593_581670592_18033257_7034231_o.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtuvvGIm0hHi6-RX8-RhQQgnIeh9u-L3iFw5AxYsQ2snhRQZsNPhWXK1BSgWjh78HG-C5b99aV89PX9AQYjZA-GkdGYP3ZBOAMp5St6uOZPGKUoMkSC5ZLbLXnyEoX21KyLcjQeN_hO6k/s400/204478_10150567044285593_581670592_18033257_7034231_o.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5606338926735402082" border="0" /></a><br />It has been so long since I blogged, which is silly, because I have time, I just don't remember to do it! A lot has happened since my last posts, so I will probably be posting a bunch of different ones, so this one won't be a book :)<br /><br />Watching Carson over the last couple of weeks has inspired me to write down his accomplishments thus far. Here are some things I have noticed that he has accomplished all before turning a year old next Saturday:<br /><br />1. He has 8 teeth! 4 on top and 4 on bottom. The molars are next! Teething hasn't been fun for him, but he is enjoying being able to use those chompers! (even on people, watch out!)<br /><br />2. He has been walking since 9 months! Carson has just started to run, or rather walk really fast. He can climb stairs, hills, uneven terrain, and loves to explore all over outside!<br /><br />3. His favorite place in the whole world is being outside. He LOVES to pick off dandelion heads and chew on them. Yuck! He notices every little crack and rock and bug. Very curious little boy!<br /><br />4. He just learned how to wave "bye-bye" and just said it out loud this morning for the first time!! He also says "mamma" and "dada".<br /><br />5. He loves playing "horsey" with Grandpa Young and every time I say "Do you want to go see Grandpa?" he mimmicks bouncing up and down :)<br /><br />6. He actually listens to me when I tell him no. (most of the time)<br /><br />7. He has been clapping his hands and bending his knees up and down when you tell him to dance for 2 months now.<br /><br />8. His favorite food is mandarin oranges, and also loves yogurt and green beans and corn. He has never liked bananas, until this week!<br /><br />9. He is starting to be nicer to our dog Sydney when we tell her to be "soft", and has recently been going up to her and cuddling and hugging her. (So cute!)<br /><br />10. He got his first-ever fever last Sunday (for Mother's Day) and has been fighting a cold ever since. Poor thing :(<br /><br />11. Carson got his first hair cut a couple weeks ago. Mommy was sad to see the curls leave, but his hair was just too long, it was covering his eyes! He was so calm and still when he got the haircut.<br /><br />12. Carson has been sleeping through the night (11 hours straight) since he was 3 months old. Mommy and Daddy are SPOILED!<br /><br />13. Carson loves to move and play, and thinks the world is a jungle gym, but with Oma (Grandma) Graham, he will sit with her for long periods of time. (She has MS, and I think he understands she can't run around with him. This is single to only her.)<br /><br />We are just so lucky to have this little monkey in our lives, and I just can't even believe that in just a week he will be my 1 year old. Honestly, where does the time go? I am just thrilled beyond belief that summer is just around the corner and Carson is big enough to enjoy it! We are going camping, swimming, hiking, playing at parks, walking, running, playing as much as we can this summer! It is going to be a blast, and I just can't wait to show Carson this beautiful world :)Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7968819794002723315.post-84663758558030448522011-03-22T17:06:00.004-06:002011-03-22T17:40:06.302-06:00New frame, hobbies, and a 10 month old<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD3c8jjPK50Ikmvn2i83yodzblkX0xXtIYdGYuKZr8ml1xtf9cGySCRFpszHQvbgmG-CBHfBpXOOAQwormK_hDLNs5wua89wgxxz8GmYlAK1Pf9tPZIQfOc8_5M7GyFjz-1Q6Mqcs6JTA/s1600/190989_10150461000375593_581670592_17662910_775473_o.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD3c8jjPK50Ikmvn2i83yodzblkX0xXtIYdGYuKZr8ml1xtf9cGySCRFpszHQvbgmG-CBHfBpXOOAQwormK_hDLNs5wua89wgxxz8GmYlAK1Pf9tPZIQfOc8_5M7GyFjz-1Q6Mqcs6JTA/s400/190989_10150461000375593_581670592_17662910_775473_o.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5587051743811235730" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family: georgia; font-style: italic;">This picture is a frame I bought at the Holy Cow Boutique on Saturday with some birthday money I got. It brought a tear to my eye, and I felt the spirit immediately testifying the importance of keeping myself worthy to enter his holy temple. I knew I had to have this hanging in my house. I had never seen anything like this before, with the door knob of the temple. I just love it.</span><br /></div><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">Scott and I decided to have a garden this year. I'm really excited to do it, and so far it's been hard, but fun work. I discovered that I have a somewhat OCD thing with weeds. Once I start, I could pull weeds for hours and never get bored. But my back sure doesn't like it. :) We are having a beautiful flower garden that is right by my house. We are growing tulips (which are already coming up), a wild flower mix, daisies, sunflowers, zinnias, a rose bush and some others I forgot the names of. We also have our strawberry plants in the same area. Over in the back of our large yard we have a fenced off garden area with boxes that our landlords decided they weren't going to use this year, so we are planting our veggies out there. We have started some of them in a little indoor greenhouse with peat moss. We will be planting them in a few weeks after the last frost. Some of the veggies we are doing are peppers, carrots, tomatoes, sugar snap peas, watermellon, cucumbers, etc. I really am so excited to do this, since it's been so long since I had my own garden, and definitely never had one this big. But I figure since I am a stay at home mom I have sufficient time to work on it, and it will keep me busy and productive, not to mention we will be saving money on veggies!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">An update on my running: I signed up for a 5k on April 30th at Thanksgiving Point. I am so excited for this because the course runs through the gardens during the Tulip Festival, so it will be a GORGEOUS run, not to mention the air will smell divine! Also, my dad has decided to do it with me, so we will start training together soon! I love that Spring is here, and I can bask in the sun again. I thrive during Spring and Summer.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">Carson turned 10 months old yesterday! He is walking better and better everyday, and is starting to really try and talk. It's still gibberish, but it sounds like he's trying to tell us something. He can actually say "baba" when he wants an bottle and "mamma" when he wants me, or when he's tired and wants to go to bed. He has learned how to shake his head "no" when he doesn't want something. He is just so darling and happy and is still a perfect sleeper. I love him with all my heart, and can't believe we will be celebrating his first birthday in 2 months.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">As far as I'm concerned, I am doing so much better. I was in a hard place earlier this year, and I felt lost and out of control, but I feel myself again, and it's a WONDERFUL feeling. I am a lot more fun to be with now :) All I can say, is therapists are wonderful and medication can make all the difference when you really need it. :)</span>Latissa Marie Graham, L.M.Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12450154240146088992noreply@blogger.com3