Plan A is always my first choice...the one where everything works out. But more often than not, I find myself dealing with the upside-down, inside-out version where nothing goes as it should.
This is where the real test of my character comes in. Do I sink or do I swim? Do I wallow in self-pity or simply shift gears and make the best of the situation? The choice is mine. After all...life is all about how you handle Plan B.
- Suzy Toronto
I found this quote in a gift shop in Oregon last week. It hit me pretty hard. I knew that this quote was speaking directly to me, and that I was supposed to find it. After all, Plan B was what got me to Oregon in the first place. Life seems to hit you with situations that you never thought you would personally have to go through. You see others going through the same thing, but you hope and pray that you will not have that particular challenge. At least, that's how I have thought.
A little over two weeks ago, I went to see my doctor for unrelated issues to the pregnancy. I was 8 1/2 weeks along, and asked out of curiosity if he would be able to hear my baby's heart beat by now. He said they could give it a go, and when we got to talking I mentioned to him that I was feeling quite sick in the previous weeks, but that most of it had passed lately. He got that look on his face; the one when doctors are trying to keep a straight, nothing-is-wrong face, but I knew he was a little concerned. When we couldn't find the heart beat on the regular monitor, we decided to have an ultra sound. When he saw the baby, the teeny tiny sack, he measured it to be about 5 1/2 weeks along...and there was no heart beat. My heart sank, but it didn't feel real. This wasn't really happening, I must be dreaming. A miscarriage? Me? But... I thought that didn't happen, shouldn't happen, wouldn't happen to me. Tears didn't come yet, I was still in shock, still in denial of the whole thing. Why didn't I have Scott come with me today? No, this wasn't really happening. Then the doctor was going on about guilt and how I shouldn't feel it, and that miscarriages are very common, and chromosomal issues, and how my body knew what it was doing, and then something about calling my husband for support...
The tears came. I knew it was real. The fact is, I knew it, from the moment I found out i was pregnant. I knew, somehow, that there was something wrong. I feared a miscarriage from the very beginning, where as with Carson, it never even crossed my mind. I knew he would be healthy. I was just a knowledge I possessed. But something was wrong this time, and although it hurt, more than I ever thought it would, I knew this would happen.
The strange thing is, I felt bad for telling everyone I was pregnant, for announcing it on facebook. I knew I'd have to tell everyone, and I almost felt guilty, like I had somehow let everyone down. I thought it would be so hard to tell everyone, but it ended up helping me more than I thought. It helped to hear how many people have gone through the same thing, and still ended up having healthy pregnancies after. That was my biggest scare. It was hard not to worry when I knew it took us 5 months to conceive, only to have a miscarriage, where as with Carson, we barely had to try and he was there. But with a Priesthood blessing, I knew I'd be ok. I knew I'd have more children, but I knew I had to be patient, and I knew I HAD to learn something; that Heavenly Father was trying to teach me something.
The next few days were a roller coaster. With it being my birthday weekend, and conference, I tried to make the most of it, and try to enjoy some time with friends. I chose to get a D and C done, because I couldn't emotionally handle not knowing when I would eventually miscarry the baby. My levels were still so high, and decreasing so slowly, the doctor said it could take weeks, and then a couple more weeks to recover. I needed to just let this be over, and get my body healing as quick as possible. I didn't want to post-pone trying again for an extra month or two. It was still a very emotional process, and by Sunday night, my birthday, I couldn't cope. Scott and I decided to take an emergency trip to Oregon, our honeymoon spot, to heal. We hadn't been back in 4 1/2 years, and we both just felt we needed it, pronto. With the graciousness of our parents, we were able to leave Carson for a week, and spend some much-needed alone time to heal and hold on to each other. It was exactly what we both needed, and I'm so grateful we were able to do it.
That quote was a turning point for me. It hit me like a brick wall that I am and have always been bad at handing Plan B. This is my greatest weakness. I knew that this was a chance for me to be aware of it, and to change. Since then, I have been trying oh so hard to think of this, even when little things go wrong, so that I can remember that this IS a test of my true character, and what do I want my true character to be? How do I want to affect people around me when my life is falling apart? What kind of example do I want to be? These are questions I will be asking myself for the rest of my life. But who doesn't need to think of this from time to time? Life is hard sometimes, really hard, but it's never impossible. Especially when we lean on out Heavenly Father, and realize that we do not have to do it alone. We do not have to take on the burden and hurt and pain all by ourselves. Christ already did that for us. Not only did he feel our sins, he felt our pain; physical, spiritual and emotional. He knows exactly how we feel, and he's only waiting for us to realize that it's ok to lean on him. That we were never meant to go down this road alone. He sends his love and support through those around us as well, and I have felt so much of that love all around me. I am blessed to have my families, friends, visiting teachers, neighbors, etc. I have some of the best, I am certain of that. I can only hope that I can be His Hands as well, and help those around me that need Him. I know that life will get better. The rain never stays. We will see the sun again, shining and happy and blessed. We only have to have faith to live, to get to that point, even if it means all we can do is hang on to Him.
Family, photos, and pinkies.
2 days ago