The Silver Lining

So, January honestly has not been the best month so far. Far too much has happened in just 2 weeks. I found myself feeling pretty overwhelmed today, with all of the misfortunes and trials we have faced so close together. It is easy to feel that someone is after us, or something. But a thought occurred to me today. Despite all these horrible trials, the best possible outcome has occurred.

Starting with the burglary exactly 2 weeks ago, although we feel so incredibly horrible that the Edwards upstairs were robbed, we are so grateful that they weren't home, and no one was harmed, and are so lucky that he did not decide to come downstairs, into our part of the home. It could have been so much more frightening and a lot worse of an outcome. Also, the neighbors were also robbed, but not one person was harmed. This is truly a blessing.

My brother Landon ended up in the ER the following Friday night due to overdose of Heroine. He arrived at the hospital completely unconscious and not breathing. He had been without oxygen for too long, and the doctors were afraid it was too late to save him, and even if they did stabilize him, his brain would probably have suffered damage due to the lack of oxygen, and he could end up a vegetable or have some sort of mental incapacitates. I got the phone call at 12:30 am, just as I had taken a sleeping pill. My heart sank as I listened to my mother tell me what was happening, and that I needed to get to the hospital asap, as we did not know if Landon would make it. Scott called his brother to come over and be here for Carson, so that we could go together. We rushed there, and it was all a haze. I remember seeing my brother, hooked up to all sorts of tubes, many doctors and nurses racing around him. I was in shock. There was a cop in a separate room talking with Landon's so called "friends" about what had happened, but of course he was not getting a straight story. I remember thinking that if I was not drugged at the moment, nothing would have stopped me from beating the hell out of all them, regardless of whose fault it was. We were sent to a waiting room, and Landon was stabilized, and transferred to the ICU. When I was able to go in and see him, I remember whispering in his ear, begging him to make it. Asking him if he could hear me, pleading with him to squeeze my hand. I didn't want to believe that it was possible to lose him. Stuff like this happens to other people. Not your family. I kept wishing I wasn't so drugged, so I could focus, and do something. As I walked back to the waiting room, I saw his "friends", sitting outside, pathetic faces, fake with concern. I hated them. I hated their presence. What right did they have to be here? They had the NERVE to stick around, with his family that was hurting, hurting SO DEEPLY, because of their influence. If looks could kill, they would have been dead, but not before being tortured. Looking back, it was again, a blessing that I was drugged, or I probably would have been escorted from the hospital. Later I came to find out, that the three on the right were Landon's heroes, that brought him to the hospital. The one on the left however, Landon's "best friend," was the one who dealt him the drug, and was too scared to call 911 to save his friend, because then they would find the drugs, and he would be nailed. It was because of him that Landon almost died. That coward. He had to call someone else to drive there, pick Landon up, and take him in, which wasted precious minutes. He almost killed him. My mother found out it was him, and has proof from a text message. He ran away quickly when he found that out. I hope I never see his face again.

The next day, Landon woke up. He was coherent, and acting normal, besides feeling horrible. He was diagnosed with pneumonia, and was not breathing well, and coughing up blood. He would need to be in the hospital for awhile longer, but he suffered no brain damage. We were all so grateful. Landon was pretty shaken up about it. He was in shock, not believing that he almost died. The first thing I asked him when he woke, was "Why? Did you do this on purpose? Were you trying to die?" Thankfully, he wasn't suicidal. He had no idea this would happen. We had a long conversation, and I know he realized that what he did was completely stupid. I know it scared the crap out of him. I told him that every time you do something like this, you are risking your life. Drugs on the street are often laced with other drugs, and their potency can vary from dealer to dealer, so you may think you are getting a certain drug and amount, but it could be completely wrong. They aren't clean, and from a doctor that cares for your well-being. These people care less about your life. They just want your money.

Over the next few days, Landon was visited by many friends, family, and ward members. I think it really overwhelmed him at how many people truly care for Landon, and how many people he scared and hurt by his actions. He continued to improve, and was released a week ago from the hospital, and has been making every effort to fix his life, and cooperate with the police, and stay away from all the bad people in his life. I pray every night that he will know how very much he is loved, and that he will know his worth, and that he will realize that this life is a gift, and he has so much more potential. So despite this horrible event, the silver lining is that I didn't lose my brother, that the best possible outcome came to past, that he is not disabled, or scarred. He has a second chance, and I am overwhelmingly grateful for this.

Lastly, last night was another nightmare. I have suffered my whole life with sleeping, and have been off and on medications to help me sleep. I have recently tried to stop taking Ambien, and switch to a safer drug for pregnancy, because we have been trying to conceive as of the last few months. I took the new drug last night, at about 3:30 am after not having any luck sleeping. A few minutes later, I started to feel like my breathing was becoming quite difficult, and my heart was starting to race. I decided to get out of bed because I didn't want to wake Scott. On my way to the living room, my heart started racing very fast, and I could hardly breathe. I was incredibly dizzy, and my vision was blurred. I sat down on the couch and then realized i was very nauseous, so I stumbled to the bathroom and stubbed my toe really hard, almost falling every step. I made it to the bathroom, and immediately felt that I was going to lose conciousness. I sat down on the bathroom floor, head between my legs, ears ringing, and could hardly breathe. I knew I should call for Scott, but I was terrified i was going to pass out if I didn't focus all my energies on staying concious. I prayed a million times, and recited children's hymns in my head to make myself focus. I was so terryfied that this was it, that Scott would find me on the bathroom floor, dead the next morning. That I would never see my baby again, that this wasn't fair, that I wasn't ready for this. After about 30 minutes, I started to feel like the worst was over. I stumbled to the living room agian, and looked up adverse side effects, and allergic reations to the drug. Turns out, I had all the symptoms of a very rare and sometimes fatal condition caused by the drug, called QT prolongation. I crawled back in bed, even though I should have woken Scott. After a few hours Scott woke up and I told him what happened. I just started bawling, so grateful I didn't die. I felt so horrible though, still recovering from the effects. Scott was just upset I didn't wake him. I don't really know what I was thinking. I have not felt great today, and am seeing the doctor tomorrow to discuss what happened, but the silver lining is that I didn't die, that I am here today. I know that prayer got me through that ordeal, and that it wasn't my time to go.

Although it seems that me and my family have gone through so much, and it's easy to let it depress you, and feel that you are being picked on, that life is too hard sometimes, the one thing that makes it possible to get through anything, is our Heavenly Father's love. No matter what trial we are presented with, no matter how hopeless it may seem, He is there, waiting to comfort, waiting for you to accept the atonement, and the fact that he knows exactly what you are going through, and knows EXACTLY how you feel. He will never desert you. He will never leave you, even in your darkest hour. He always gives you a way to find peace, and hope, and forgiveness. He will always send you help. And even though the past two weeks have been rough, I can see the silver lining in all those events. I have felt His love, and His strength, and he has been there through it all. I don't think I would have been able to feel so much comfort if I didn't have this knowledge, and the peacefulness that the scriptures and Priesthood blessings, and prayers from so many brings me. I want to thank each and every one of you who have been a support and given your prayers to all of us. We truly are SO blessed, and I am just grateful. I know that life is sometimes hard, and some things seems impossible to overcome, but He does and will, ALWAYS provide a way.

Here's to a better February....

What a wonderful season of Joy

What the tree looked like before Carson came in.

Christmas came and went so fast, but I loved every second. Carson had such a blast opening all his gifts. We chose to open presents on Christmas Eve morning, since Christmas was on Sunday, and Elder James would be calling at 8 am, with church following directly after and parties throughout the day. It was so nice, because we were in no rush and had my parents and brother and sister over to watch Carson. He's still too young to understand who Santa is, but he caught onto opening the presents and knowing that there was something fun waiting for him underneath real quick. The cute little boy was overwhemled I think, by so many fun things to play with at the same time. He was just in awe! It was so darling. My parents gave him a tent with a tunnel, and that was definitely a big hit this year! he was so spoiled, and now we have to purchase some toy bins and figure out how to organize everything, because right now his room is a complete mess. Christmas is so much more fun when you have a child. The magic comes back to life :)

We were especially blessed this year to have our extended family in town. My Dad's siblings have always lived here in Utah, and we have been accustomed to seeing them at least monthly for family parties and other events for my whole life. But in June/July, they all ended up having to move, one to Texas and the other to Indiana, and have left a huge hole in our lives. It has been very hard and sad to not see them so often, but they were both able to come and stay with my parents for Christmas break. It was so emotional to have everyone together again on Christmas Eve, doing our cherished traditions and gathering together. I think I had tears streaming down my face 3 different times throughout the night, and I know I wasn't the only one. And on top of that, my mother's brother, who has been estranged from the family for 8 or 9 years, has recently come back into our lives, which we never ever thought would happen. He was also there for all our celebrations and get togethers, and I know that added to the emotions of gratefulness and love that was shared so strongly this Christmas. I remember looking around the room, and seeing every one, and feeling so incredibly blessed that we all have each other. We only wished we could have my Uncle Richard and Aunt Natasha and their girls from Hawaii, and then we would have been complete. My Grammie's presence was felt very strongly in the room that night as well, and we all missed her so much. But we know she is our guardian angel in Heaven, and we can't wait to see her again someday. I love this time of year, and feel so fortunate and blessed to be with all those I love and to have everything and everyone I have. I hope all of you had a blessed Christmas as well, and keep all these blessings and love in our hearts.

I blinked, and a new year came

I really don't understand how time can just fly by without barely a breath taken. I sometimes wish I could pack my family up and move to a place in the middle of nowhere, nestled in some forest, away from every little thing that speeds time up so fast. No media, no television, no electronics, not even a clock. Tucked away, unbothered from the demands that we subject ourselves to every day. Can't we live a simple life, that is slow, and focused on the here and now, never pushing for the latest and greatest, the most up to date time waster? I wish I could capture how it feels to go camping, in the silence and the peacefulness of the mountains. Maybe someday, over-the-rainbow...

But for now, maybe it is time to try and do the best I can. Turn Barney off and go explore outside with my toddler. Give facebook a rest, and read some real books, stop making every excuse known to man of why I am not reading my scriptures, and saying personal prayers, and just do it. Go to the temple instead of that movie. Spend time teaching my son, and playing with him more, instead of making sure the house is perfect. All these things are so simple, and yet so difficult to remember. It's like we forget that there is any other way to function but to move and do and go and have and get. Time becomes more and more precious to me as I watch my little baby grow into a boy. It breaks my heart to know that I will never get that time back again, and he will be gone, out of my arms, before I have a chance to really, truly enjoy those kisses, those pleading eyes that want a book read to him, that just want to play and explore, to cuddle, to want to be with me. I know he will grow up, and not need me as much as he does now. So I've got to SLOW DOWN, and savor EVERY SECOND, because it will be gone, in a blink of an eye...

If there are any real resolutions I have for this year, anything meaningful, and worth giving it my best, it is for me to SAVOR, and slow down. My baby is 19 months, and I can't bare to miss a single thing.

This is Halloween

OK, I really have failed in the blogging world. I fail in the journal world as well. I go through phases for some reason. I guess it's the same with my poetry writing as well. It's either a downpour or drought. But, as an early new years resolution, I am going to write, and keep up on this blog, even if it's the only journal I do.

So, since my last post, Carson has grown up considerably. Before my very eyes, I have watched him transform from a baby to a toddler. He plays pretend! I bought him these baby pumpkins at the grocery store, and he just loves to take them everywhere and make them dance and he even created a slide for them to go down. He is so creative, just like his daddy.He's also learning how to feed himself, and this has caused quite a lot of frustration for the both of us. He wants to do it without any help, but mommy hates the mess, and knows he doesn't get much in his mouth, so it's always a challenge at meal time. I sometimes wonder if he even eats anything. I'm betting this might be because his eye teeth are coming in. Teething is so hard. But, again, I know it's just a phase.

This last week was the death of the 2nd nap. Mom fought for it's life tooth and nail, but reluctantly lost the war. Now we're lucky if we get an hour and a half. I sure hope this is also a phase, but I doubt it. At least he is still my perfect sleeper at night. 12 hours straight every night, unless he's sick. THANK HEAVENS!!

Halloween sure sneaked up on us this year. We celebrated earlier in the month by going to The Off Broadway theater in SLC with the Engebretsen's to see Dracula vs. Jekyll and Hyde, which was quite funny and entertaining. We also got to see some gorgeous fall colors up the canyon on the Alpine loop, which was the very first time Carson sat forward facing in his car seat. He was just in AWE at everything he could see out the front window. He kept pointing and saying "That!" and "Oh!" around every turn. He's happy he's a big boy now.We took him to Cornbelly's at Thanksgiving point and it just wasn't his day. He was cranky for most of it, and not cooperative for family pictures, so it mostly didn't work out. Although he loved this corn pit they had for the babies.We've been reading this book that talks all about Halloween and he just loved the pumpkins. He can't get enough of them. And when I bought him his pumpkin for his candy, and he realized you could put stuff in it! Oh he was thrilled! I've been putting snacks and surprises in it for awhile so he would be prepared for trick or treating. And I think it worked. He was thrilled when we went trick or treating last night and he discovered treats in his pumpkin. He got tired of it pretty quick, but it was cute while it lasted :)After eating a yummy cheese soup and wassail, we finally got around to carving our pumpkins at 9 pm on Halloween. Pretty dang last minute, but we did it, while watching Michael Jackson's Thriller. It turned out to be a great Halloween night, and I am now looking forward to the holiday season. I felt like we were a month too early, but I think I'm ready now. I just can't believe how much my little one is changing and growing right before my eyes. Sometimes when I am rocking him to sleep at night, and he is quite and sleepy in my arms, I realize I miss my baby. I just don't want him to grow up anymore. I cherish the hugs and kisses and cuddles, and I just never want him to grow out of sharing them with me. Is that too much to ask?

My Garden of Eden

Scott and I took a drive today, with Carson and Syd in tow. We were looking for yard sales, but after a couple of unfortunate-looking ones, we ended up just driving in Alpine. We drove on some hidden roads that lead to breathtaking views of the gorgeous mountains we are surrounded by. Beautiful trees, hills full of wildflowers, birds singing and the sun cascading over the green was more than enough for me to absolve to never move. This place we live, this little crevice of heaven, our own Garden of Eden, is all I could ever need. So peaceful, so calm, so serene, so sacred. I am overwhelmed with emotion when I see just how blessed I really am in my life to have the privilege of living here, with my family, and all I'll ever need. I informed Scott that I have no intention to ever leave, and will rent for 10 years if I have to and save enough so we can buy a house here. It doesn't have to be a big house, or even semi-large. I am fine with a cottage; a place tucked away in these hills, that sing. I feel like Julie Andrews from The Sound of Music. And luckily, my husband feels the same way. After traveling all over Idaho, and seeing the Grand Tetons in Wyoming, and the majestic red rock of St. George, I have realized that although they are beautiful, and I enjoy visiting, I believe these mountains of mine are superior, and more beautiful than any I've seen. I will travel the world, and take in it's infinite beauties, but I will come home, and be content and blissfully happy with my piece of heaven, Alpine, Utah, my home.

All before a year

It has been so long since I blogged, which is silly, because I have time, I just don't remember to do it! A lot has happened since my last posts, so I will probably be posting a bunch of different ones, so this one won't be a book :)

Watching Carson over the last couple of weeks has inspired me to write down his accomplishments thus far. Here are some things I have noticed that he has accomplished all before turning a year old next Saturday:

1. He has 8 teeth! 4 on top and 4 on bottom. The molars are next! Teething hasn't been fun for him, but he is enjoying being able to use those chompers! (even on people, watch out!)

2. He has been walking since 9 months! Carson has just started to run, or rather walk really fast. He can climb stairs, hills, uneven terrain, and loves to explore all over outside!

3. His favorite place in the whole world is being outside. He LOVES to pick off dandelion heads and chew on them. Yuck! He notices every little crack and rock and bug. Very curious little boy!

4. He just learned how to wave "bye-bye" and just said it out loud this morning for the first time!! He also says "mamma" and "dada".

5. He loves playing "horsey" with Grandpa Young and every time I say "Do you want to go see Grandpa?" he mimmicks bouncing up and down :)

6. He actually listens to me when I tell him no. (most of the time)

7. He has been clapping his hands and bending his knees up and down when you tell him to dance for 2 months now.

8. His favorite food is mandarin oranges, and also loves yogurt and green beans and corn. He has never liked bananas, until this week!

9. He is starting to be nicer to our dog Sydney when we tell her to be "soft", and has recently been going up to her and cuddling and hugging her. (So cute!)

10. He got his first-ever fever last Sunday (for Mother's Day) and has been fighting a cold ever since. Poor thing :(

11. Carson got his first hair cut a couple weeks ago. Mommy was sad to see the curls leave, but his hair was just too long, it was covering his eyes! He was so calm and still when he got the haircut.

12. Carson has been sleeping through the night (11 hours straight) since he was 3 months old. Mommy and Daddy are SPOILED!

13. Carson loves to move and play, and thinks the world is a jungle gym, but with Oma (Grandma) Graham, he will sit with her for long periods of time. (She has MS, and I think he understands she can't run around with him. This is single to only her.)

We are just so lucky to have this little monkey in our lives, and I just can't even believe that in just a week he will be my 1 year old. Honestly, where does the time go? I am just thrilled beyond belief that summer is just around the corner and Carson is big enough to enjoy it! We are going camping, swimming, hiking, playing at parks, walking, running, playing as much as we can this summer! It is going to be a blast, and I just can't wait to show Carson this beautiful world :)

New frame, hobbies, and a 10 month old

This picture is a frame I bought at the Holy Cow Boutique on Saturday with some birthday money I got. It brought a tear to my eye, and I felt the spirit immediately testifying the importance of keeping myself worthy to enter his holy temple. I knew I had to have this hanging in my house. I had never seen anything like this before, with the door knob of the temple. I just love it.

Scott and I decided to have a garden this year. I'm really excited to do it, and so far it's been hard, but fun work. I discovered that I have a somewhat OCD thing with weeds. Once I start, I could pull weeds for hours and never get bored. But my back sure doesn't like it. :) We are having a beautiful flower garden that is right by my house. We are growing tulips (which are already coming up), a wild flower mix, daisies, sunflowers, zinnias, a rose bush and some others I forgot the names of. We also have our strawberry plants in the same area. Over in the back of our large yard we have a fenced off garden area with boxes that our landlords decided they weren't going to use this year, so we are planting our veggies out there. We have started some of them in a little indoor greenhouse with peat moss. We will be planting them in a few weeks after the last frost. Some of the veggies we are doing are peppers, carrots, tomatoes, sugar snap peas, watermellon, cucumbers, etc. I really am so excited to do this, since it's been so long since I had my own garden, and definitely never had one this big. But I figure since I am a stay at home mom I have sufficient time to work on it, and it will keep me busy and productive, not to mention we will be saving money on veggies!

An update on my running: I signed up for a 5k on April 30th at Thanksgiving Point. I am so excited for this because the course runs through the gardens during the Tulip Festival, so it will be a GORGEOUS run, not to mention the air will smell divine! Also, my dad has decided to do it with me, so we will start training together soon! I love that Spring is here, and I can bask in the sun again. I thrive during Spring and Summer.

Carson turned 10 months old yesterday! He is walking better and better everyday, and is starting to really try and talk. It's still gibberish, but it sounds like he's trying to tell us something. He can actually say "baba" when he wants an bottle and "mamma" when he wants me, or when he's tired and wants to go to bed. He has learned how to shake his head "no" when he doesn't want something. He is just so darling and happy and is still a perfect sleeper. I love him with all my heart, and can't believe we will be celebrating his first birthday in 2 months.

As far as I'm concerned, I am doing so much better. I was in a hard place earlier this year, and I felt lost and out of control, but I feel myself again, and it's a WONDERFUL feeling. I am a lot more fun to be with now :) All I can say, is therapists are wonderful and medication can make all the difference when you really need it. :)