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Sunday, January 10, 2016

Miracles and Magic

Miracles happen. They are very, very real. Nothing is impossible.

I have had an amazing, heart breaking, magical and miraculous, roller coaster of an experience. On December 11th, I took a pregnancy test that showed positive, I was amazed at how quickly this happened, since we had just started trying that cycle. Very excited, I went to have my first prenatal appointment on December 15th to discuss certain medications I was on and whether they would be safe to continue during the pregnancy. During that appointment, my midwife asked if I wanted to check my HCG levels, since I had had a previous miscarriage. She wanted to help me feel at ease about everything. I was grateful she was willing to let me check.

I had my blood drawn that day, and again 48 hours later. If the pregnancy is healthy and viable, your levels should at least double, more like have a 65% increase in 48 hours. My levels were not even close to doubling, This was not a good sign. So we decided to do an ultrasound to see what we could see. At this point, I was calculating that I was about 5 1/2  weeks along, according to my last period. We saw a gestational sac, but no yolk sac or fetal pole. And of course, no heartbeat. Basically an empty sac. This was also not good news. However, we determined that it could just be too early, and that we would do another ultrasound in a week.

 I had to go through the Christmas holiday not knowing whether my pregnancy was going to last. I did my best to put it in a box and not think of it until after Christmas. It was hard, but I was blessed to be able to enjoy Christmas.

 At the next ultrasound the next day, it showed no growth, in fact, the sac measured smaller than the week before, and was still empty. I also had my HCG levels checked again. Results were that they continued to rise, but not near enough. I found out these results while I was up at temple square with my family seeing the Christmas lights on December 28th. My midwife said she was 99% sure this was not a viable pregnancy. I knew I was losing my baby.

Now, I was faced with a big decision. I was going on a family vacation to Disneyland in just a few days, and I was worried about miscarrying while in California, away from my doctors and hospital. Possibly while traveling, or while walking around Disneyland with my kids. I researched A TON. I had lost a baby previously, but had opted for a D&C instead of miscarrying naturally. I didn't know what to expect. I found out it can be very painful, and lots of blood, and sometimes you have to go to the hospital because you lose too much. How hard would that be to have happen away from home?

I decided I wanted to get the D&C as soon as possible before our trip so I could start healing and not worry about it while I was gone. That day was awful, waiting for the call from my midwife to tell me when I could see an OB to schedule to procedure. I laid in bed, mourning. I was preparing for the D&C that day. I found out that I would have to see the doctor that day, but the D&C would not be scheduled till the next day. I just wanted it to be over with, Knowing the baby was not there, and not bleeding, just waiting for a miscarriage to happen was torture.

The hospital called and I was scheduled to go in the next day for the procedure at 12 pm. That evening, I went and saw my OB. He said he wanted to take just one more look on the ultrasound to make sure there was no baby. I didn't expect this. This was now my 3rd ultrasound. I should have been over 6 weeks. What came next, was very strange. He did find my empty sac, but right by it, was ANOTHER empty sac, that never showed up on the two previous ultrasounds!
This made things very bizarre, and confusing. There was still no baby, but the second sac presented more questions. My doctor said that what more than likely was happening, was that my sac collapsed, and split into two, and that I was close to miscarrying. But, there was also a very small possibility that I could have a disappearing twin, and that would explain why my levels were not as high as they should be, that it was throwing them off. He told me that he was 99% sure that this was not the case, and that if I wanted to he would do the D&C, but there was room for doubt, however little, The baby should have been seen at this point. There should have been a yolk sac at the very least, but there was nothing, No change in 3 weeks, no growth, except for this random second sac. KEEP IN MIND, this second sac WAS NOT there, just 24 hours before, in that second ultrasound. In just 24 hours, it showed up. This was crazy.

I didn't know what to think. I went home, and prayed. I worried and stressed. The night before I got a blessing, but it did not give me direct answers, except to trust and have faith that I would know what to do. I went to the temple the following day, December 30th.  I had the feeling that I should not get the D&C. Not because I felt the pregnancy was ok, but just that it wasn't right, yet. I decided to take my chances and go on my trip with my family, and hope and pray that I didn't miscarry while away, and I would readdress the situation when I got home. I planned to schedule my D&C as soon as I got home. I had to put those worries and feelings in that box in my brain again.

 Thankfully, I was able to. I had a magical, beautiful, perfect time with my family. Seeing the wonder and joy in my children's eyes was a dream come true. I literally cried on Pirates of the Caribbean because I was here, with my precious babies, experiencing the joy of seeing the magic through mother eyes. It was a moment I'd never forget. I was present. I was there. Occasionally I would think of the baby that more than likely would not be, but it didn't taint my experience. I was blessed.

We came home last night at 3 am. So very tired today. I messaged my midwife to tell her I was home, She said she was on call and could possibly get me in for another ultrasound today, since I really wanted to get the D&C done as soon as possible, so I could move on, and start trying again. Tonight, and 6 pm, I met her at the office. I was ready, and prepared for the result of losing this baby. I was at peace. I had mourned the loss. I had come to terms with it.

We first tried a normal ultrasound on the belly, but wasn't able to see anything. This didn't surprise me. So we did a transvaginal ultrasound. I waited, preparing to be told the sac was gone. It took a couple minutes. Then all of a sudden, my midwife turned the sound on...THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP...... THERE WAS A HEARTBEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
She turned the screen, and I saw the beating heart of my baby that WAS there! My head was spinning. How was this possible? My midwife was baffled. This didn't make any sense. We looked for the second sac, but we could not find it. Just the one, with the living baby, with a heartbeat, measuring 6 weeks 2 days. I should have been 8 weeks along.

Getting the positive pregnancy test as early as I did, and only being 6 weeks along makes no sense. Having a gestational sac that didn't grow at all for 3 weeks makes no sense. Having my levels be so off makes no sense. This whole situation goes against all the textbooks. It's impossible, BUT it's not! It's a miracle, I have a living, healthy baby with a beating heart that I never thought would beat. I am in shock, amazement and am truly grateful and blessed. I am grateful beyond belief that I did not have that D&C. I'm grateful for a mother's intuition, for the spirit, and for miracles. For opportunities to build faith.

It's very interesting that I seemed to be the 1% quite often. With Ethan's Vasa Previa, (birth story here) and getting pregnant with Sophia while fully breastfeeding, taking the pill on time every day and no postpartum period, and now this. I know for certain that nothing is impossible. That miracle and blessings and magic are real. Most of the time it doesn't happen, Most of the time you lose. Most of the time, life isn't fair, and there is no rhyme or reason to anything. But SOMETIMES, just sometimes, miracles do happen, Disney magic and dreams do come true.

2 comments:

Morgan said...

What a beautiful story Latissa!
Thank you for sharing your miracle!!

Morgan said...

What a beautiful story Latissa!
Thank you for sharing your miracle!!