Another trial of faith

God knows what he's doing. I don't know why we forget that sometimes. This experience I have had over the past couple weeks has brought to mind that if I only humble myself enough to listen and do what he asks, he will take care of things. While going through this, I received 2 blessings. One of healing and one of comfort. Both times I was told to read my scriptures. That it would help me greatly. I heard this, but I guess it wasn't at the forefront of my mind. So I didn't. Until one night, I believe Tuesday last week, I threw a tantrum. Literally. I was sick of being sick, and having to lay around and do nothing. I was sick of the pain. It was exhausting. I was sick of all the lortab, of everything. I was upset I had to cancel our Valentine trip to St. George. I had had it. So I threw a few pillows. Yep, like a little kid. Stomping around throwing pillows, feeling angry and sorry for myself. And then I glanced in the back room, and my scriptures were laying out on the floor in the middle of the room. I honestly have no idea what they were doing there, but it stopped my tantrum flat. I walked in the room, sat down on the floor, and read. I read for about 15 minutes, and then prayed for what seemed like eternity. When I got up, I felt a calm and peace that I hadn't felt in quite some time. I honestly had a completely different attitude to my situation. I knew that everything was in the Lord's hands. I knew I would be ok, and the baby would be ok, and that I had so much to be grateful for, that if this was my only trial, I am blessed. It was a whole new feeling. And that attitude change alone did wonders. I went to bed that night and slept. I woke up, and I started feeling better. Saturday and Sunday last week were almost completely pain-free. I was able to go out with my husband and celebrate Valentine's day, and go to church yesterday and help teach our 13-14 year olds. I made it through the whole 3 hours of church without any lortab. In fact, I haven't had to take one for over 24 hours, only a few tylennol here and there. It was a miracle. Now, the Hydronephrosis is still there, and probably will be a condition I have to live with off and on throughout my pregnancy, but it is managable now. The antibiotics they gave me for my kidney infection have helped tremendously. But I believe the change of attitude and spirit has helped me even more. I now realize that whatever I am faced with, whatever trial I go through, I know God is taking care of things. I know that if I put my trust in the Lord, that I honestly have nothing to fear. I am grateful for my little boy Carson, I am grateful it was so easy to conceive, I am grateful for a body that can conceive. I am grateful for a husband who loves me eternally and is my best friend, I am grateful for the apartment we have in this beautiful area of Alpine, and for the amazing ward who has welcomed us with open arms and has fed us and helped us so much when I needed it last week. I am grateful for my families on both sides being so close to us, and for all their love and support. I am grateful for my dog Sydney and all the unconditional love and company she provides when Scott is gone and I need someone. I am grateful for my testimony, and for the knowledge that God loves me, and I am His daughter, and he wants me to be happy and wants only the best for me. I know this now, again, and am grateful.

I hate being lonely:(

So after my appointments yesterday, I have come to the conclusion that surgery is not an option I am willing to consider. First of all, surgery in general can induce preterm labor, and has risks for the baby. Also, the stint that they would put in only has a 40% chance of reducing the pain I am in, and has a 60% chance of making it a lot worse. Also, they have to change it every 12 weeks, so that would mean 2 surgeries during the remainder of my pregnancy, and also my body might reject it and there could be problems associated with that. All in all, I don't like my chances. So my only option is to manage the pain I am in with bed rest and lortab, for 3 whole months. The main concern here is kidney infections, which upon being tested yesterday, low and behold, I have one. So after getting a shot in the rear and a perscription to take for 2 weeks, I have to see the Obgyn every 2 weeks from now on, to make sure I get rid of the infection and not get it again, because kidney infections cause preterm labor as well. So with 2 stuffed animals, a card, and some chocolates I received from my mom and sister, I am laying here trying to figure out what to do with myself for 3 months, until this little one can come. I have the blanket I am crocheting, and I am learning to sew. I have books I could read, and blogs and facebook and movies, but beyond that, I need ideas. I hate feeling worthless. I want to feel like I can accomplish things, even on the couch. I hate the silence. My wonderful husband Scott got a new job, and I am so very happy for him, but he is gone all day every day now, so it's just me and my dog Sydney. So I ask, do any of you have ideas of what I could do that would make me feel accomplished? Please share them with me. I need them! Love you all, Tissa

25 weeks along, and bedrest isn't fun

I am 6 months pregnant, and man, has it been a ride. First I started out the 1st trimester with horrible morning sickness, which caused me to lose 15 pounds and be on Zofran to prevent me from throwing up (which I STILL have to take to this day). It was also fraught with many migraines which was also not fun.

The second trimester started out better, with finding out that we are having a little boy who will be named Carson, and feeling him kick and move. I was finally able to feel connected to the little guy. Scott also has been able to feel him several times, which has brought tears of joy and excitement. Also, plans for the baby room and registering for baby showers with Scott have been wonderful distractions. I have also tapped into my creative, domesticated self (which is not a strong point in my life) and started crocheting and sewing and all things crafty. I am currently working on 2 baby blankets to keep my mind off of the recent events of the last month. So here's what's been going on.

I have what's called Hydronephrosis, which basically means water in the kidney. My uterus is sitting on my ureters, and therefore backing up my urine in my kidney, making it swell very large. It is extremely painful. I saw my kidney on the ultrasound, and its huge. My Obgyn is referring me to a Urologist and I see him on Monday. But until then, I have to lay on my left side as much as I can for as long as I can to try and move my uterus out of the way so my kidney can drain. If I am successful, and the swelling has gone down, I will probably be on mostly bedrest for the remainder of my pregnancy to keep my kidney from swelling up again, which is damaging to my kidney. If bedrest shows no improvement, then I will most likely have surgery to drain it out. I will find out on Monday what's happening exactly. All I know is that both outcomes don't sound good, and I am sick of having to take lortab to function. But I am very grateful that all of this is not affecting the baby, just me. I am very grateful for that. I prayed over and over as I waited in the doctors office that the baby wasn't being affected my whatever was going on with me, and my prayers were answered. If I have to endure lots of pain and bedrest for the remainder of my pregnancy with the knowledge that my baby will be fine, I will do it with a smile on my face. The only thing I have asked for each night is a strong, healthy baby, and I pray that will happen. Being on all this medication worries me, despite the fact that my Doctor says it's fine. I guess my body just doesn't like being pregnant. I just hope I can get through the next 3 months and have a beautiful baby boy at the end of it. I only wish I could do more. I wish I could be one of those women who feel great during pregnancy, and get so much done, and can work full time for most of it without too much problems. I wish I could massage more, and take voice and piano lessons, and visit the temple each week. Those were all goals I had for myself at the beginning of this year, but now are not possible to accomplish. But I am trying to keep myself occupied, with my little projects. I hope I don't sound like I am complaining. This entry feels like I am venting in a journal, just spilling out my thoughts and worries and wishes. I hope everyone knows I want to be a mom, that I'm excited to be a mom, and can't wait. That is the ultimate goal here, and I WILL achieve it, no matter what.